We've been in R since March, everything has been going GREAT. We have seen nothing but one wonderful day after another.
Tonight, however- fWH is out at a mandatory "team-building" dinner at a very nice local place with his 15 group team from work. No spouses allowed.
It just so happened that this coincided with him falling asleep without charging his phone last night, so his phone has been off all day. He did call me as he was leaving work from the office to let me know his phone was dead but he thinks the dinner would only run an hour, so he'd be home a little after 6:00 tonight.
It's currently 6:51 and no sign of him.
This is triggering me because his affair was with his old boss (he no longer works there!) but his new job plopped him on a team of mostly women. I haven't been too concerned until tonight, knowing he is out drinking with them and this was the exact situation that lead to his last affair. They went out for dinner with the team and one thing lead to another...
Also, I didn't know about this team building dinner until yesterday. He claims it was just "sprung on him."
Should I be fuming right now or do I need to calm down?
I know where you are coming from, but try not to panic or jump to conclusions.
When we are in this hyper vigilant mode, we may tend to get carried away with worry.
I hope this did not spoil your evening together.
Although he's still not home... 7:15...
But you're right- we've been on track.
Trying to chill!
A 60 second call goes a long way!
I will remind him to buzz me when late. I have a sneaking suspicion I'm going to hear "I'm sorry since my phone was off I lost track of time and that's also why I didn't call!"... trying to work up a response to that.
Although I'm still paranoid, it does help a little.
Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.
I will include this idea into our conversation tonight for future team meetings.
On another note- we're at 7:40 and STILL not home... Now I'm starting to get a little nervous that he's been in a car wreck or something! Buhhh
If I were you I would be having a fucking meltdown. This would be a major trigger for me. I mean, if this was exactly (or even if just had some elements) like how the affair started, how can't you not be triggerig?
I don't know about you, but I always tried to be the "cool" wife. Gave my FWH a lot of rope. Yeah, he not only hung himself but for good measure he hung me, too.
FWH wouldn't "think" to call me. Even if it had nothing to do with the affair, all he ever thought about was himself. That is what enabled him to have an affair, 'cause it was all MisterSister everyday, all day.
Your WH should be aware of how triggery this is for you. He could have found a phone. As soon as he wasn't home on time, he needed to call you. He should have been watching the time. He needs to be thinking of you, that isn't being too demanding. Especially when they have gone and fucked someone else. Only 7 months into Reconciliation? Naw, way too early to be slacking off.
I am not saying this to get you worked up, however, this is unacceptable, or at least to me it would be. Also, I am sorry, I don't feel like he just found out about this "mandatory" meeting. I suppose it is possible, but maybe not probable.
The thing is, if it is mandatory, they need to give the employees more than 24 hours notice. I mean, what if someone had something big already planned, or even not big, that isn't very fair of the company. Most give more notice if they truly expect all their employee's to show up.
Can you swing by where he is supposed to be?
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson "She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
It is just considerate to call or send news in SOME way when you are this late.
I think it is one thing to lost track of 10-20 minutes. But any longer then that aren't we aware that hey, "this thing seems to be going long...what time is it?"
But yeah. Ask first why so late and then take it from there.
I would say: I can appreciate you losing track of a few minutes but you said you would be home at 6pm and it is after 7:30pm. Surely you were aware that the meeting had gone way long. In the future, I NEED you to respect my feelings more then you did tonight.
Oh boy.
No time for anything else, his phone was down to 5% battery. He should be home in a few.
Whatever.
Thanks for calming me in the meantime! Now to suck it up, toss these nasty thoughts out of my head and put my nice face on for when he pulls in the driveway in a few minutes.
Here I was calming the hell down and you riled me up again!
Just Kidding
Thanks for the other perspective. Thank you VERY much because you know what...I played cool wife too. And I find myself slipping back into that role occasionally. I'm glad you hollered. I'm gunna watch my steps.
[This message edited by yogaga1 at 7:49 PM, October 11th (Friday)]
It's Friday night. He's way late and he's drunk.
The nice face is not the face to put on right now, yogagal....you need the, "we will talk in the morning face."
Fill us in tomorrow!
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
I expressed (ahem) that I was not interested going back to old ways. As I told him, "we are weak in this area" (crossing boundaries). Let's not go back.
I also allowed myself to be vulnerable: "I missed you so it hurts that you were gone for 5 days and today made plans to go out tonight."
Just be honest with how you felt. He needs to know.
Harden- I'm with you, was not thrilled with him driving home tipsy. That was touched on too- no nice face there.
We discussed the evening- in the end it was a very good conversation and he completely understood why I triggered. Wasn't met with any defensive actions, all warm and loving the way they have been since true R started. Calmed down a bit now.
Took a little from everyone here- set some ground rules for any future team meetings/outing without spouse- things that should have been done prior to last night. Live & Learn...
