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knightsbff posted 10/11/2013 20:09 PM

I think I'm stuck, he's stuck and we're stuck.

Things aren't good and they're not awful. I still have a lot of work to do on me but I can look back and see that I have made significant progress as well. Our M is in some ways better than it has ever been and in others broken beyond repair (infidelity). My BH.....I don't know....he got past the screaming at me and calling me names within a month or so of dday...but I think that's it.

Maybe he's processing and doing the work internally. Maybe I'm not appreciating changes that have taken place? I know I'm supposed to focus on my own work and healing and I'm trying but I feel like part of it is to support him in his healing. Right? I was selfishness incarnate having the A, so part of my personal growth and healing should be to demonstrate empathy and compassion for my BH by supporting him in his healing...right?

It's not happening. He is sad and angry and miserable and triggering every day. He keeps it to himself. I can see him triggering so I try to reach out. I can't get him to talk to me. He says he will feel this way until he doesn't anymore and talking to me about it won't do anything but drag me into a spiral too.

I feel like I can handle it. Part of my work has been learning to feel my feelings and be ok. I don't think it would be bad for me to hear his anger or his pain. Isn't part of intimacy sharing those things?

Neither one of us has been to IC for a couple of months. We cancelled our last appointments due to work and we have never rescheduled. I wanted to but BH doesn't want to go anymore. He will go if I pressure him but I don't feel like I should. His IC was doing EMDR with him to help with triggers. His sessions basically are an hour long trigger every time so he has an aversion to going now... Should I encourage him to go?

I have contacted my IC to get an appointment for me...

I read here frequently and post sometimes. BH mainly reads here to see if I have posted lately but does not post for support himself. I wish he would. He has no one to talk to irl but me....

I have read infidelity books recommended by folks on SI, BH has not. I'm rereading them now searching for something I can do to help.

My BH is respectful, he treats me well, he loves me. I show him I love him every day. But he's so deeply sad all the time. The thing he says every day is, "I'm just so tired." He talks about the heavy burden carries. I want to help carry the load.

Maybe we need to learn some way to communicate that he will feel safe sharing his pain and anger with me? He keeps it to himself because he worries about me. I mean I haven't demonstrated the best coping mechanisms in the past IYKWIM... But I know more now, I'm stronger and I'm learning and growing.

What can I do?

LA44 posted 10/11/2013 20:47 PM

knightsbff, can you just sit him down, knees touching and gently express that you see how deeply sad he is and feel concerned for his well being. It sounds like IC would be good for both of you.

I guess if it were me....I would hope that my H would approach me if he saw me angry, triggering daily and so sad.

You have always been so thoughtful towards me. I wish you well.


ThoughtIKnewYa posted 10/11/2013 20:51 PM

This stuff is really the pits! The only thing I think you can *do* is continue to be patient with him and continue working on yourself. I'm over six years out and I still have a bad day now and then. For the first few years, I was deeply sad, like your H. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it just takes a whole lot of time. Hang in there!

knightsbff posted 10/11/2013 21:25 PM

can you just sit him down, knees touching and gently express that you see how deeply sad he is and feel concerned for his well being

LA44, I have tried to reach him daily. He says it won't do any good to talk about it, it will just suck me down into a spiral too. I think he believes he's protecting me.

The only thing I think you can *do* is continue to be patient with him and continue working on yourself.

TIKY, I will continue being patient and definitely continue the work on myself. The time thing...I understand, and I'm not rushing him. I will be here with him as long as it takes.

I'm just wondering if I'm failing him somewhere. Should I push him to go back to IC? If I make the appointment he will go...he won't even complain much. Is that the right thing to do? Or does he need to drive his own train? I just don't think he has the energy or drive right now to take charge of his healing...

tooanalytical posted 10/11/2013 21:25 PM

I lost my passion for living for about 3 years. I remember not wanting to feel that way but couldn't breakout of the depression.

I Want to Feel Something by Trace Adkins expressed my feelings well at the time.

knightsbff posted 10/11/2013 22:04 PM

tooanalytical, Thanks for the song. How did you get past that? What helped you?

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 10/11/2013 22:09 PM

I'm just wondering if I'm failing him somewhere. Should I push him to go back to IC? If I make the appointment he will go...he won't even complain much. Is that the right thing to do? Or does he need to drive his own train? I just don't think he has the energy or drive right now to take charge of his healing...
You know him better than anyone here. If you think IC would help him and he wouldn't resent you for making the appointment, you should do it.

I just don't think he has the energy or drive right now to take charge of his healing...
Well, I can certainly relate to that and, like tooanalytical, it lasted for about three years for me, too.

heartache101 posted 10/11/2013 22:51 PM

EMDR therapy was hard on me while at the appointment. It wore me out. But it also allowed me to heal.
I say back into therapy for the both.
Have you looked into retroville everyone on here raves about it?
I lock my feelings up to. My spouse has asked me 2 nites in a roll whats wrong. I will talk when I am ready.
Otherwise its nothing I am ok.
You 2 need to work thru it together if he will let you.

knightsbff posted 10/11/2013 23:30 PM

TIKY, I really don't think he will resent me for making the appointment, he knows the motivation behind that is love. What he resents is that he needs EMDR or IC at all. I'm sure all BS can relate to that. I will schedule appointments for both of us. Our ICs are in the same office about 1 1/2 hours away so we try to go at the same least we get time to talk that way.

heartache101, We did retrouvaille. It was very good. We have stopped doing the dialoging we learned there because life took over and honestly BH feels like he is doing the best he can just getting through each day right now. I mentioned starting up with that again and he wasn't opposed but I have kind of been watching and waiting to see if things get a little easier for him. I just don't want to ask anything else of him right now...

She-Ra posted 10/12/2013 03:20 AM

Hi KnightsBFF

Yes it does sound like you are stuck. Looks like it's the battle of year 2. The toughest to get through. The shock of the A has worn off and the day to day of the new reality can suck.

I bet a few more IC sessions would help kick start progress for him again. At least he is willing to go. My BH just refuses for the same reason. It's my fault why he would have to go and he feels he didn't need it.

I don't have any advice, just wanted to poke my head in to let you know that I hear ya and can relate about the stuck feeling

tooanalytical posted 10/12/2013 10:32 AM

How did you get past that? What helped you?

1. Time: Not the first answer you wanted to hear but it is true.

2. Forgive, Forgiving, Forgiven: When I decided to R, I also made the decision to forgive her even though she could never do enough to pay back what she had did to me. I then had to go through the long process of forgiveness. Constantly reminding myself that I already cancelled the debt. I prayed for strength to forgive and I prayed for her and our relationship because she was doing all the right things. About 4-5 years out I knew I had really forgiven her when reminded of the A, I didn't hurt anymore.

3. WWME/Dialogue: We didn't know about retrouvaille and ended up at a marriage encounter weekend. It helped FWW finally open up and we reached new levels of intimacy. We stay involved with a monthly circle which gives us a booster shot of dialogue.

4. FWW Actions in R: Even though she was a model spouse after the A and during R, I still was skeptical for years wondering when the next shoe would drop. Was she really 'OK' now? Was she really 'with' me or was this another lie. Secretly, I monitored her accounts, phone, etc. to check for A signs. Over time, I finally believed she was remorseful and consistent in her actions to R.

[This message edited by tooanalytical at 10:33 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 10/12/2013 11:51 AM

If you're looking to improve your communication, both of you should read Non-Violent Communication by Rosenberg. Holy. Crap. Changed my life. Very easy read, and it teaches you how to express your feelings without blaming the other person. Which it sounds like Knight could really use right now. BH and I now try never to say "You made me feel X" or "What you said was so rude!" but instead we use the construct "I felt hurt when you said X." Because the fact is...nobody can *make* us feel anything, and how another's words land with us is often formed more by our own perspective than the speaker's intent. Even my kids are communicating like this now, and it has been incredibly helpful to our R. Instead of having an argument, BH and I will work out an NVC (non-violent comm.) statement that we both understand and agree to. Those statements sound like this:

When I don't hear from you all day, I feel anxious and scared. I'm needing to feel loved and appreciated. Therefore I would like you to send me at least one nice message each day.

That lands a lot better than something like:

You had no problem sending your asshole boyfriends all those ridiculous gushing emails during your As, but now you can't send me, your husband who loves you, one nice email a day? I'm clearly not a priority in your life!

Even if I totally deserve the latter...going on the defensive when accused of wrong-doing is a natural human reaction. Using NVC defuses that reaction, because the speaker is not accusing the listener of wrong-doing, but simply is stating his feelings and needs.

knightsbff posted 10/12/2013 13:26 PM

She-Ra, Thanks! It helps to know I'm not alone.

tooanalytical, You're answer is calming to me. Things I kind of knew but needed to hear anyway.

Time- it passes no matter what I do. I love this man, so patience is easy. It's just so hard to watch his suffering that I caused.
Forgiveness-I can see BH working on this every day. He prays a LOT. The way he treats me demonstrates his effort to forgive. It will come. I can wait.
Dialogue- We will start doing this again. Even though I hate to ask anything of him right now I think it will help both of us. I think the sharing of feelings both ways will increase his safety/security.
Actions in R- My actions have been consistent, but I see him waiting for that other shoe. He asks me, "Do you really love me?" I can identify some areas for improvement in my job as homemaker/mother. I think the more I get myself together and embrace my new role as a SAHM the more safe he will feel with me. He's being so patient with me...

20Wrongs, Thank you, you have finally convinced me to get that book. Your advice sounds like it will help the whole family.

20WrongsVs1 posted 10/12/2013 17:04 PM

kbff, I really should start rec'ing that book in my signature. People are probably sick of me talking about it by now

But it should be required reading for all humans. Just sayin'

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 5:04 PM, October 12th, 2013 (Saturday)]

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