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Newest Member: Sharebear (50553)

User Topic: moments of regression
♀ 35150
Member # 35150
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else out there still float between the worlds of self blame for where I am ...that somehow the X's infidelity was my fault and all the ways in which I contributed to the demise of the marriage..and then within a second I will float to the other side...WHY THE HELL did I tolerate what I did for so long???? Why didn't have the self worth to brave the fear and protect myself and my children. Why didn't I do what I needed to do instead of just take it all. Numb. Sick place to live. Sick especially because I'm now "free" free to me. While I have put myself out there into the dating world, you all know it isn't an easy place to be @ mid forties. I have my 'highs' where I recognize ...I am where I am and embrace it...and then the lows come too...I am where I am. A single mom ...financially ruined at 45 because of the contentious divorce and not sure of anything about my future except that I am alone Now. I know many others in similar places. However, most of the single parents I know have the benefit of financial security. How do they fix things? Just throw some $$ at whatever it is. Ok, this is pathetic...I'm going to stop my pity party for myself right now. Does anyone else go there even months after the divorce?? Thanks.

Digging Deep in the Mud

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Virginia
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't consider it regression I think its progress.

I spent the first year blaming him for ruining my life. Now don't get me wrong - I do still blame him but its different. In that time I also beat myself up a lot for marrying him in the first place.

Then a strange and uncomfortable thing happened. I started thinking about how my choices, FOO coping mechanisms etc led me to this place. I spent a little time angry at myself but the further I get along on this road the more I see how important this part is.

My own fucked-up coping mechanisms led me to this place. Led me to a man like him. Led me to tolerating that unhappy life I was living. I think I was always heading towards a WH.

The beauty of it is that I have found the hidden steaming pile of shit within me that I need to shine a light on and work through. I may never have found it had I stayed in the 'its all his fault' place.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5953 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 10798
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FlySomeday--I know exactly what you mean--and I've been at this for a long time and I am way older than you. It's hard to keep hoping that things will get better. But I do. Just not sure when. Hang in there.

Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2199 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fly...I think that once the D is final, you can finally breathe some, and reality smacks you in the face. Now that you are no longer immeshed in the day to day problems of going through a D, you are digging deeper, and that is normal.

I did it too..."HOW did I miss that he was gay??" "WHY did I allow that behavior?"

The bottom line is that I wanted my family and marriage intact, therefore I "looked the other way". I don't beat myself up for those choices any longer, all we can do is NOT make the same mistakes. Learn that "ignoring" the problem doesn't make it go away. Choose a better partner this time. Stay in the present and look forward

me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

Posts: 4608 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
♀ 29250
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I do too. I go between blaming myself for not being good enough or for things I did in the marriage, to asking myself why I put up with so much crap, to beating myself up for marrying such an ass. I hate it. :(

“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 8&11
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1621 | Registered: Aug 2010
Topic Posts: 5

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