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moments of regression

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FlySomeday posted 10/11/2013 21:33 PM

Does anyone else out there still float between the worlds of self blame for where I am ...that somehow the X's infidelity was my fault and all the ways in which I contributed to the demise of the marriage..and then within a second I will float to the other side...WHY THE HELL did I tolerate what I did for so long???? Why didn't have the self worth to brave the fear and protect myself and my children. Why didn't I do what I needed to do instead of just take it all. Numb. Sick place to live. Sick especially because I'm now "free" free to me. While I have put myself out there into the dating world, you all know it isn't an easy place to be @ mid forties. I have my 'highs' where I recognize ...I am where I am and embrace it...and then the lows come too...I am where I am. A single mom ...financially ruined at 45 because of the contentious divorce and not sure of anything about my future except that I am alone Now. I know many others in similar places. However, most of the single parents I know have the benefit of financial security. How do they fix things? Just throw some $$ at whatever it is. Ok, this is pathetic...I'm going to stop my pity party for myself right now. Does anyone else go there even months after the divorce?? Thanks.

SBB posted 10/11/2013 21:43 PM

I don't consider it regression I think its progress.

I spent the first year blaming him for ruining my life. Now don't get me wrong - I do still blame him but its different. In that time I also beat myself up a lot for marrying him in the first place.

Then a strange and uncomfortable thing happened. I started thinking about how my choices, FOO coping mechanisms etc led me to this place. I spent a little time angry at myself but the further I get along on this road the more I see how important this part is.

My own fucked-up coping mechanisms led me to this place. Led me to a man like him. Led me to tolerating that unhappy life I was living. I think I was always heading towards a WH.

The beauty of it is that I have found the hidden steaming pile of shit within me that I need to shine a light on and work through. I may never have found it had I stayed in the 'its all his fault' place.

meaniemouse posted 10/12/2013 03:25 AM

FlySomeday--I know exactly what you mean--and I've been at this for a long time and I am way older than you. It's hard to keep hoping that things will get better. But I do. Just not sure when. Hang in there.

cmego posted 10/12/2013 07:17 AM

Fly...I think that once the D is final, you can finally breathe some, and reality smacks you in the face. Now that you are no longer immeshed in the day to day problems of going through a D, you are digging deeper, and that is normal.

I did it too..."HOW did I miss that he was gay??" "WHY did I allow that behavior?"

The bottom line is that I wanted my family and marriage intact, therefore I "looked the other way". I don't beat myself up for those choices any longer, all we can do is NOT make the same mistakes. Learn that "ignoring" the problem doesn't make it go away. Choose a better partner this time. Stay in the present and look forward

ruinedandbroken posted 10/12/2013 19:09 PM

Yes, I do too. I go between blaming myself for not being good enough or for things I did in the marriage, to asking myself why I put up with so much crap, to beating myself up for marrying such an ass. I hate it. :(

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