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Somethingneeds posted 10/11/2013 22:32 PM

I have been reading here for quite some time. I guess it is finally time for someone else's perspective.

My WH and I have been married for 25 years. We have a large family and have had many tragedies and trials over the years.

Years ago after the death of our young child he began a LTA that went on for 6 years. I found out approx. 5 years into the affair and he of course lied and told me it was not what I thought bla bla bla.... I later found out it continued another year or more. OVer the following years I would repeatedly ask what the relationship had been and was always told that it was just a friendship. He swore they never had sex, etc. I stupidly believed him. Not surprisingly I have learned it was a full blown EA and PA.

Now approx a year ago I came across sexual emails to another women. In reading them all she asked if he had done this before and he let her know that yes he had had three prior affairs. I confronted he initially denied and finally fessed up. He swears he is happy in our marriage but just wanted blow jobs which I am not interested in giving. He claims he felt it would help our marriage if he did not bother me with what I did not want to do. I have done a lot of digging and found one of the affair partners (the last three were from Craigslist) has an OC. She has not filed for CS and has never notified my BH of this child. Her husband may or may not be aware.

He swears he has changed and will never do this again but I have seen very little action. None of the things I have asked for him to do(IC, MC, reading or posting here, working on his why's)have been done. He always claims he is going to. When do I say enough and end it?

h0peless posted 10/11/2013 22:42 PM

I'm so sorry you're here. Things slow down here during the weekend but there will very likely be a number of people much smarter than I coming by to offer support and advice soon. In the mean time, please check out The Healing Library. It's the fourth link down in the yellow box to the left. There is a lot of helpful information in there.

Affairs are not about whether or not you were giving him blowjobs or anything else. They are about entitlement and selfishness. None of this is your fault.

You're very likely in a state of shock right now so please take care of yourself. Drink plenty of non-alcoholic fluids and eat healthy foods. Watch for his actions. He's a proven liar. His words mean nothing.

Take2 posted 10/11/2013 23:46 PM

First welcome from out of the shadows :) Sorry you have reason to be here.

One way to approach this would be to give him a list and a deadline - If he doesn't do the work - you see an atty. But if you are got to set up that boundary - you have to be willing to enforce it. Right now he doesn't believe you are going to do anything. He is comfortable blowing you off.

Here's the thing. His need for a bj - trumped your need for fidelity, and your health. (i agree the bj stuff is bs, but lets say we were to give him that one for now...) His secrecy and lies trumped your need for honesty and openness. And your needs, which you have spelled out - he hasn't addressed. No - he hasn't changed!!

He is still selfish and putting his needs/wants/ whatever... first.

If you have any minor children I would file for CS before you mention the potential OC to him or anyone else. He who files first gets the lion's share. The children of the marriage won't - if she files first (from what I read in D/S)

Only you can say when enough if enough - but based on what you've posted, if you don't shake it up... nothing is going to change.... So the question is... can you live with that?

[This message edited by Take2 at 11:48 PM, October 11th (Friday)]

Somethingneeds posted 10/12/2013 00:25 AM

Thank you. We are in Texas so the child support issue is not really a factor. If she should file first it would reduce my CS from 40% to 38% of his income.

I have told him several times I think he doesn't believe I will follow thru with making him leave. He says he doesn't know what to do to "fix" this. I have told him the same things multiple times. (Put together a time line, start IC, post on the board, figure out why you were willing to take such risks, or anything he can come up with to convince me this is not going to reoccur.)

He knows I have been to several attorneys. I can only assume he thinks I wont follow thru or he wants me to be the one to end things. He tells me he doesn't want to live without me and how important it is to stay together but I am not seeing any action. His response is but I am being good now.(by not soliciting on Craigslist and meeting up with other women.

jjct posted 10/12/2013 04:57 AM

So the it your H's?

I think it's safe to assume the other BS is not aware, & if you've been lurking awhile, you know what we'll say. Yes?

One of your big questions is when do you say enough and end it...I say begin to end it now.
Since it's a process that takes time (60 days from filing iirc), he has time to come up with something better than; "But I'm being good now."
Disgusting trolling CL!
Have you been tested for STD's? Has he?
That would be a minimum requirement for R for me.

He's a sick, shallow, cake-eating puppy. Put him outside for pooping on your carpet.

jemimapd posted 10/12/2013 05:29 AM

Something, he sounds a lot like my WH. First, I'm sorry you are here and my heart goes out to you. I have dealt with a fogged up WH for a long time and now I am divorcing him.

In my experience, me going to a lawyer for a consultation meant nothing to him. It is just like a householder getting a quote for a new kitchen. So what? It means nothing until the order is placed. If he sees it like my WH, he thinks it is you running round in circles like a hamster on a wheel. Yes, you are busy but you are going nowhere.

File. That's the only thing that will move him. Why? Because right now the affair is your problem. Filing will make it his.

Until there is a real, material consequence for him - which is not anything you say, none of that counts - he will carry on doing what he likes, throwing you a bone occasionally, keeping the status quo.

The only time in this whole debacle that my WH has cried and been physically sick was after I filed.

Good luck!

self-rescuer posted 10/12/2013 07:03 AM

The only time in this whole debacle that my WH has cried and been physically sick was after I filed.

This was my experience exactly. My XWH actually was unable to function for weeks after he'd been served. Even though by that time I was at total peace with my decision to divorce him, it still gave me satisfaction - that he was reeling.

LTA's are a special breed of fucked up-ness. To be able to sustain that horrendous type of lie for years shows the most entitled of behavior. It is time for you to take a hard look at what you think you deserve.

I know your mind is in a muddle of pain right now. If you can, shift your focus, even if only for a few minutes, to yourself. Contemplate your value and your worth. Then, consider what HE needs to do to be a part of your valuable and worthy life.


Take back your power.

Determine what will make you happy.

Somethingneeds posted 10/12/2013 09:41 AM

Yes,the OC is his. I hired a PI who was able to get a DNA sample from the OC unknown to the mother or my WH. (The crappy daycare the OC attends has a super high turnover rate and it was easy to get someone hired and work there a few days.)

I know what I need to do but need to keep hearing it from those of you who can see it clearly. As many of you have said I am still reeling from it all.

I did require him to get tested for STD's and went with him as he had to tell his doctor what he had done. (His tests came back fine) I will be getting tested soon.

I have started putting plans in place to D. My job pays well and combined with CS my children and I would be fine financially. We own our farm and home free and clear and I could buy him out and keep the kids here.

self-rescuer posted 10/12/2013 13:25 PM

Sending you a PM

LeopoldB posted 10/12/2013 13:26 PM

I hired a PI who was able to get a DNA sample from the OC unknown to the mother

IMHO, it sounds like you may need to deal with your own issues, get a divorce, and stop swabbing children without their parent's consent.

[This message edited by LeopoldB at 1:27 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

Somethingneeds posted 10/12/2013 15:03 PM

Thank you so much for that helpful advice. Are you sure you are not friends with my WH? It seems you share the same qualities.

jjct posted 10/12/2013 20:28 PM

I bumped a financial thread for ya - I think you're gonna need it:

You've been dealt a crap hand, I'm so sorry. Anything on telling the other BS?
Hang in there, we got your back.

ReunitePangea posted 10/14/2013 17:13 PM

Somethingneeds - I am sorry you are dealing with this.

He swears he is happy in our marriage but just wanted blow jobs which I am not interested in giving.

If your WH swears he has changed but the above is the best "why" he can give I would advise him to take a class on where babies come from.

Lucyy posted 10/14/2013 17:20 PM

I was married for 13 years. He never cried until he knew I was serious and I wasn't letting him back in. He had more rage then anything, which is what he had during our marriage most of the time. I defeated him and u defeated him, they lost all control.

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