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It's been 3 years. Being the BS I still feel he doesn't care what he did. We are at the point where we don't talk about it all the time but it's still there. Things have changed. Pretty non existent sex. He just keeps pretending that everything is okay.
There have been porn sites discovered and recently tracked him on his phone 3 times this past week to porn shops. Of course he denied it at first.
I finally said we needed to see a counselor or we would be done. He said he would go but now says he doesn't want to and it's stupid.
I want this marriage to work but don't think I can do it alone. I told him to come up with a plan for us to fix things but his answer is he will make me happy and that's it.
Don't even think about having him read any books. He won't do it. I'm at a loss.

Your husband has pretty much told you (and shown you by his actions) this is who he is and he doesn't want to change. You can't force someone to change if they don't want to.

I think you need to decide if you want to continue living like this and stop trying to change him. Either accept him as he his, or consider ending the relationship.

I'm so sorry for the suffering you are going through.

As far as I have seen it's the coupes who have IC and MC wo manage to restore their M and those who don't have any who either struggle or S/D.

If he won't or doesn't look at himself then how can he alter his actions?

((((Huge hugs to you))))

I honestly think that if my wh and I had not started MC we would have already cut our losses. His fog lifted in part due to a particularly difficult session. He may be feeling nervous. Indefinitely think its worth you seeing an IC if nothing else.

IMO, WSes need IC. They have to go into some very dark thoughts and feelings, and IM it's virtually impossible to do that without support and guidance from a decent professional experienced in that sort of thing.

If he doesn't want to go and you haven't gone in the 3 years then I think he is telling you who he is and how much your marriage doesn't matter

OMG. YES YES YES YES!

Both my WS and I agree that we should have gone to counseling WAY before we did. We BOTH talked ourselves out of it. I think we were scared at what we were going to each find out about ourselves. I truely think if we had gone to counseling (with a GOOD counselor, I think our first counselor actually harmed us...but it did bide us time)...WS would not have had an affair. I really really believe that.

You need to find a good counselor. One that will not be afraid to tell you what you need to hear. Our first counselor needed the business so bad, I think she tried to pacify us rather than tell us what we needed to do. It harmed us because she actually would not address the affair. If she did, she would turn to me and say "What do YOU need to do to help heal?" Like it was on me. WS got a free pass on the affair, it made me anxious, and it made me very confused.

I SO wish we had our present counselor in those first few months. Maybe the relapse to the affair partner and DDay#2 never would have had to happen if we had someone that kicked WS's ass like our second counselor has. lol.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts. I wish also that we had done this earlier. I know he will go if I insist but I just hope he takes it seriously

If you have to force him to go what's the point? If he really wants the marriage then he would want to go to the MC, no hesitation or anything.

i think so. i know i would not be with my h right now if we didnt go. i think a lot of times, it can be hard...especially in the beginning...right after dday. the ws often times is not ready to be honest, there is tt, and things are just so unstable. when we went through our first counseling sessions with a pastor, my h was in false r with me...he was not serious..and it was very evident in the session...not remoreseful at all. when we attempted to r the 2nd time, it was with a licensed therapist...and he was serious and remorseful. and willing to own everything. i think it takes a good year to really hash out all that pain, find constructive ways to communicate the pain...and really process the a. it has to be done....and it is hard and painful...especially when both people are committed. there were many times over the last year that we both stormed out...many tears on both sides, anger, sadness, depression...you name it. but it is something that i think a professional can help you get through.
i say counseling is a must when dealing with infedelity. it is so easy to rugsweep, and "put it all behind us" without doing any of the real work when there is no professional involved...to challenge you, ask tough questions, be a mediator...and hold you both accountable for your actions.