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ExhaustedWhat2do posted 10/11/2013 22:57 PM

WW has been the chief accountant in our relationship since day 1. Now she's been caught and admitted to the affair. It's gone underground. I considering taking the savings and having my paycheck a deposited into another bank. I'm sure this will make WS angry; however there is no remorse apology or any sign of affair ending. I want give my non-negotiable a along with consequence. I'm not into not financially helping her, but I'm not going to finance the single life and A either.

My thought is if she needs something paid she can come with the bill or identify what she needs and money can be provided. Do you all agree with this approach?

jb3199 posted 10/12/2013 05:10 AM

Separating finances is an important step to dealing with this mess that we can infidelity....especially with an unremorseful partner.

Move half of your finances into a personal account. Have your check deposited there. Cancel any joint credit cards to prevent continued spending on them.

Have you seen a lawyer? This is paramount. Learn your rights, and what you can and cannot legally do.

Your mindset is in the right place. You have a marriage(?) to currently support, but by no means should you support the affair.

These are also important steps in you rebuilding yourself after the discovery of infidelity. If there is ever a time that you need to be independent from your unremorseful spouse...financially and emotionally...then this is it. The more energy that you put into yourself, the sooner that you will see things for what they really are. And the difficult choices that need to be made, will not be as difficult as they were before.

jjct posted 10/12/2013 05:12 AM

Yes.
Further, if she's really that evil and unremorseful, (taking it underground: "In Your Face!")
File. Freeze everything. Cancel joint cc's, etc.
Begin the process and protect yourself.
It takes time and you can stop it anytime along the way - if she pulls her head out -

So what if she gets angry?
Well, you're the one who can imagine the destruction your spoiled brat can cause...you can pray for sunshine all day long, but definitely - prepare for rain.

hard_yards posted 10/12/2013 05:58 AM

Definitely take control of the finances, especially your personal income from now on.

Also, get yourself along to a good lawyer, a really good lawyer, in fact, chat with a few.

Knowledge is power, it's attractive, it's strong, it shows resolve and purpose.

Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean divorce necessarily, it does mean that you know what will happen if things doesn't work out to your preferred choice.

Don't think for a minute that your WS won't do the same thing, especially if she has someone on the sideline encouraging her.

Skan posted 10/12/2013 12:17 PM

This is a time that you must strike first and hard. Go to the bank today and get this started. And get copies of all of your bank statements for the last year at least, and look for money that she has spent on the OM. You are owed, in most states, 1/2 of that amount should you divorce.

hathnofury posted 10/12/2013 15:30 PM

Yes, absolutely. There is actually a reference thread for this type of thing in JFO here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=510509

In your particular case, this is what I would do:

Immediately pull 50% off all joint funds and put them in a new account in your name only. Inform her after the fact, so she doesn't take ALL the money before you can. Change your direct deposit to the new account, but be prepared to put half of it back in the joint account if legally advised to do so.

If you do not already have access to all the household bills, get them ASAP. Put them all in Mint or Quicken, or set them up in your bank's bill pay system, so you have a one-stop place to view them all and be able to show they are being paid. You may need to figure out if certain bills are on auto-pay in the joint account and change that if needed.

It would be ideal for you to put all the household bills in your name if you plan to stay in the residence. Otherwise, WS could decide to leave, and cancel all the accounts without telling you.

See a L ASAP. Find out if you need to pay for your household bills out of the joint account, or if you can do it out of your new account. Find out all the financial options and logistics of D.

With the blessing of your L, tell your WS how you plan to pay for household expenses and joint debts but not debts or expenses in her name only, and of any household/joint bills you expect her to pay if applicable. If she wants to be reimbursed for other things, she can 1)submit receipts and 2) give you statements on her credit cards going back 12 months (if you don't already have access to this). You will need these statements anyway for D, and it will likely provide you more proof of the A if that is an advantage for you in your state.

Seeing a L ASAP is critical. You want to do this by the book, and it varies so much by state/county.