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Getting attached.......and poofers. Ugh

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GrievingMommy posted 10/12/2013 00:31 AM

Seriously, you'd think I'd get better at this. I'd been chatting with this guy (Tony) for about three weeks. We had our first date last weekend which went great. He was sweet and kind and hot (did I say hot?). I fell hard. The most I've been attracted to anyone - probably even more than XH and my exBF of 18 months. We made arrangements to get together Thursday night when I was kidfree.

On Monday/Tuesday he started getting sick (sore throat, etc) and communication drastically cut back and the last I heard from him was Wednesday morning. I haven't heard from him since - which is very unusual considering we texted often and spoke ever day. I kept thinking he'd text any time and never did. Either he's very sick (although he could still text and tell me!) or I have a 'poofer' which hurts. I get too emotionally invested way too soon so this really hurts. I think a lot has to do with the fact that it was totally out of the blue. Hell, Tuesday night when we chatted for almost an hour, he asked if I like basketball. I said Heck no! and he said 'Ha! I like you even more now.' Why would he say that and then never contact me again?

Yesterday my gut said that it's over with him as I just don't know why he wouldn't get back to me....short of being in a coma. Especially after three weeks of tons of texts and phone calls, meeting once and planning on Thursday and Sunday - and then sudden silence.

I wish I wouldn't have texted or called him for a few days - now he probably thinks I'm a crazy woman although I tried to keep it toned down and light. I'm telling myself not to contact him again....I just wish I had closure and a why. It seems like it's been a week since all this went down, and it's only been three days.

It's hard to see the other profiles out there because none of them do anything for me. I wanted to get to know him and it was going well. Instant chemistry and just my type with major attraction (fucking hot in every way) and now I'm afraid I won't get that again.

I am so f'ing tired of this shit. Maybe I'll never find the love of my life. I'm tired of hurting and want to say screw dating/looking for a man, etc but I also want to share my life with someone so throwing in the towel isn't an option. People say I'm beautiful inside and out and yet I'm alone and can't find someone. I don't believe them.

This sucks.....and I need to figure out a way not to get so attached so early.

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 12:37 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]

thyme2go posted 10/12/2013 03:05 AM

Sorry you are going through this. Imagine what it would feel like if this had happened after 15 months... I know.


Williesmom posted 10/12/2013 06:24 AM

Sitting right there beside ya, sister. It sucks donkey balls.

Hang in there. If he doesn't get he awesomeness that is you, he is missing out on something really great.

curiouswiz posted 10/12/2013 06:53 AM

It will happen honey! When you least expect it! Hell, maybe he likes you too much! He's skeered of your beauty! Your intelligence and charm...

You're so young, take it slow and easy even though we are starving for love it's always best to wait for it to come to you, it always does.

I'm 60 this year and lonely too...I'm looking forward to dating and being poofed just so I can feel alive for a few hours. It doesn't disappear honey.

The next 20 or 30 years could be the very best for you and I wish I knew that when I was your age, it's just the beginning GreivingMommy, take your time and choose carefully, with love for yourself first hon.

cmego posted 10/12/2013 07:08 AM

I have learned to not do that "lots of email/chatting" before meeting someone. I think you can develop a false emotional connection to someone by "filling in the holes". You may really like someone on the phone, yet not be attracted to them in person. It is also easy to "date" if you never have to meet, once you meet, then it becomes so much more "real". It sounds like he isn't ready to really date.

There are a million "reasons" why he may have poofed, but they all lead to one place...he poofed, right?

I have learned to meet fast, then watch behavior. I TRY to act like I am interested, but I always hold myself back. It may or may not hurt me, I don't know. But it is a hell of a lot easier to not get attached to someone and not have to deal with that feeling of rejection.

I JUST posted about a guy where I can't exactly tell what is going on, and although confused last I've moved on. It just isn't worth what little emotional reserves I have to want something that may never happen.

It is very simple to me. I want a guy that wants me, as much as I want him. I'm going to know it when I stumble into him. The behavior will be right. I want to be adored and loved by the right guy (not just any guy), and if I never meet him, I'm perfectly good being alone. I'm not going to force something that isn't there.

So, my advice is to practice holding yourself back while in the early stages of dating. Dating these days is very different, and, to me, OLD has created a false sense of people. We unintentionally fill in the "missing holes".

If he is going to walk out of your life...let him.


dignityintact posted 10/12/2013 09:56 AM

This happens to me over and over, and each time I say not again, but then I try to remain optimistic that there is someone decent out there??!???!

One thing I do though, is about a week after they have "poofed", with no explanation, I message them telling them how rude and immature they are! I just say that it would be much more mature to say that you are not into me, and then as grown ups, we can all move on.
It makes me feel better, and lets them know that I'm not some schmuck they can trample all over....the way I see it is, you'd admonish your child or friend for treating someone this way. Maybe, over time, they will realise it is not appropriate behaviour, and change their ways....maybe....we can hope....

GrievingMommy posted 10/12/2013 11:11 AM

I'm so sorry to see other people going through this shit. One minute I'm okay and the next, feeling in the dumps and I'll never find someone. I try and tell myself that I'd rather have him poof now, than months or longer down the road. I have been on five dates (different men - same OLD website) in the last three weeks, none turned into the attraction/chemistry and interest (like I had with him) like I'd hoped.

Back two years ago after my D and before I met my exSO, I used to email/talk to guys for 3-4 weeks before meeting. Now? Screw that. I make a point to meet within a week or two as there can be no connection in person - only online or on the phone which obviously won't work. No more wasting my time or theirs.

cmego, I want that too - a man who wants me like I want him. I don't want to have to act like I'm forcing him to talk to me, etc.

One thing about our date we had planned on Thursday, was since it wasn't the dreaded first date and all the crap nervousness, etc that goes with it, I was excited to see him. No more damn nervousness - just flat out excited to see him.

I definitely need to find a way to hold back a bit, but not too much so he thinks I'm not interested even if I am. But I don't know how to.

Plus something else I'm running into big time is a lack of local prospects. I'm pretty much stuck here due to my job. Sucks!

I probably will text him in a week and tell him that he was disrectful and rude.

heartbroken30 posted 10/12/2013 13:41 PM

Same thing goes on here! Makes me feel like something is wrong with me. All of my friends tell me what a catch I am, but it's getting harder and harder to believe.

No advice, just want you to know that you're not the only one (((GM))))

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