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Building trust, I'm scared...

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Healinggirl posted 10/12/2013 04:19 AM

We're 11 months out since d-day.

He's lied, minimised, TT and never volunteered information. I've sometimes got almost hysterical before he gives me the answers I need, yet at other times will tell me and is ok. The big sticking point for him is that he feels ashamed.

As part of reconciliation he says he's being completely transparent about everything he does and even thinks at the moment, which I'd probably say is true.

However, I'm wondering whether he's still going to withhold wayward thoughts because of 'shame' in the future instead of allowing us to deal with it as a couple. He's still healing from his abuse so he's probably still going to think bad stuff, and what isn't brought out into the open, festers and grows.

He stopped IC because she implied that I was also his abuser because I wanted answers. He disagreed, I'm pleased to say. I'm also a trained therapist so we talk a lot between us and it helps bring us closer. But sometimes I need an outsider's view, too.

If he can't answer my questions about what he did with all those women because of shame, It doesn't help build trust.

Or am I being unreasonable?

morethantrying posted 10/12/2013 04:45 AM

Hi, is hard. my Hubby withheld info too and for the reason you said...yes ashamed...we have to sometimes let it go I think...yes we should not HAVE to do this work for healing, but sometimes we just do to help them...they are hurting too I try to remember that...they never intentionally set out to hurt"Hey, what can I do that will REALLY get my spouse..."...nope not like that. It is not easy and I do not always do it successfully but once in a while a bit of compassion in our hearts helps....yep, helps US.

It is hard but the info will probably come out bits and pieces and apparently this is not unusual...hang in there. I am eight months out now and I think I just about got the whole story...we are strong, sister! We truly are the stronger ones let's be compassionate with ourselves as well!

And oh, I was one person who did NOT want all the gory details...don't want to live with that for the rest of my was enough for me to know time line and ask him not to take me to places they went and a few details...but never sexual details...ever...Lots of women do want to know but for me I also know that men (in general) I think do not even remember well the why should I remind just want to get those women OUT of our life and a basically good relationship....I hope this might help a IS hard, that is for sure!!!!!

[This message edited by morethantrying at 4:50 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]

summerain posted 10/12/2013 04:53 AM

This is such a valid question

I believe that searching for what happened is pointless. You know the basics,

It's such a hard truth and memory can be a strange fickle beast.

I found accepting and moving forward is an ongoing process and honestly I just have to realise that knowing all the details isn't going to change anything. I also found pushing WH for details always ended up in huge fights which I regret now.

You may find that he may simply not remember most of it and is ashamed to admit it or like me, find it extraordinarily strange that he wouldn't remember.

There will be many who disagree with me and that's okay too, it's a really contentious issue.

Also, I agree IC is a must and that MC would be ideal

[This message edited by lauren123 at 4:54 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]

Gr8Lady posted 10/12/2013 05:11 AM

Of course you are scared, it is normal to be apprehensive when you have been betrayed.
Did you read Joseph's letter in the healing Library. I really suggest you do. The analogy used of the puzzle pieces is spot on.
Obviously we know there was sex, but it isn't that we want to obsess over the gory details, we need to feel WS is not holding back. In other words he isn't choosing what we can know, and what we can't know.
WS is still in control
WS is offering up information to pacify us
Let me repeat WS is still in control

Hugs to you, this is a road no one chooses for themselves. Who gets married and fantasizes they will be betrayed , lied and cheated on?
Not me....

eachdayisvictory posted 10/12/2013 06:03 AM

At 8 months out, it feels like I can see my relationship in your words. The balance now as my fWH accepts responsibility for his actions is the potential for a deep depression in him. It's a fine balance for both of us now as we want to support each other and work on R, but often need tenderness, caring and understanding from the other. For us, we have to be honest about how safe or vulnerable we are feeling, and be completely free to say 'no' to a conversation at the moment and reschedule it for later.

It's a hard road. So scary. We are not alone.

Healinggirl posted 10/12/2013 12:00 PM

Thank you girls...thank you. It gets a bit lonely sometimes dealing with all this crap.

I printed out Joseph's letter and got him to read it, too, after which he sat down and quietly explained a few more bits I didn't know. Not the gory details, but the where's and when's, etc. There's a lot... Reading Joseph's letter helped him understand why I have doubts every so often and he said that was ok.

Afterwards I thanked him and we went out for a coffee. I asked him, as he felt so ashamed of all this, what was the worst part, and he said 'almost losing you, I've made so many wrong decisions.'

He's going to cook me dinner tonight and I feel that we're making progress again.

And...he's just walked through the door with 24 beautiful long stemmed roses. I think things are going to be ok.

What would I do without you all?

Healing girl x

bionicgal posted 10/12/2013 12:38 PM

Another voice joining the choir.. At just 4 months out, I still struggle with whether to ask certain specifics about the sex, but wonder if it isn't just prurient curiosity at some point. I did something minor the other days and felt the need to ask if she had done it, and he had to think... Then said yes, once or so. The info left me feeling more irritated that I had brought her into a nice moment than relieved or hurt, trying to remember that for the more hurtful physical issues.

sisoon posted 10/12/2013 16:05 PM

How is wanting honesty abuse?

Our MC/W's IC is a national known and respected figure in her professional organization, and her direction was that I could ask anything I wanted to about what my W thought, did, and felt, and my W, also a survivor of abuse, needed to answer my Qs.

I agree your H is probably still a risk, and my bet is that he doesn't want to be. Why not look for another IC?

Healinggirl posted 10/12/2013 16:57 PM

Let's just say our experience with counselling wasn't good on many counts. We've muddled through ourselves with the help of this site and many books.

That's why I appreciate everyone's input, it's amazing to feel so supported. We're all going through the same and understand what it feels like.

[This message edited by Healinggirl at 5:25 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

HardenMyHeart posted 10/12/2013 17:36 PM

Or am I being unreasonable?

Given the background of your WH, I think the traditional SI advice applies to your situation: Trust but verify!

Healinggirl posted 10/13/2013 14:58 PM

Yes, wise words, indeed. Thank you.

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