"We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love — first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage."
The main feeling for me through year two was just a deep deep sadness. Struggling to find meaning and joy in life. I almost missed the pain and determination that went along with it.
Whether it is harder or easier largely depends on the BS. If you're able to accept what has happened and can come to terms with the anger, than R should flow smoothly. If you remain angry, continue to blame the affair as the cause of your suffering, and demand your WS change to please you, then R will remain a struggle.
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
and added to that - now I question my self respect if I'm staying. I think about divorce every day. I don't want this to be part of my marital history. If there are any screw ups I'm done... and that's no way to live. It's a deeply contemplative year.
My husband was exactly this far out from my affair when he decided to have his. I understand the mind set now. However, I have no right to do anything that angry but sit, feel the pain, and wait for it to be over... and hope for clarity..
[This message edited by rachelc at 10:44 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Relax, everything’s out of control” – Adi Da Samraj
It wasn't until the third year that things started to get better for me. Halfway through the 3rd year, I was able to reach forgiveness. Funny, just 6 months before that I wanted to D him. What a difference a day makes.
It's not all doom and gloom for everyone, but for many it is. It doesn't mean that there aren't good days still, it doesn't mean that there isn't progress because there is. It just means it still sucks.
I find that I have to work harder to make it through each day. Counselling, reading books, opening myself up WH and realizing that I need to work on my own issues has started to take up most of my time.
For me year two is hard work. Only 6 months in and I'm exhausted.
[This message edited by Zayda1 at 2:51 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]
Being a FWW, I can tell you that year 2 has been worse. I have heard a lot around here that year 2 is harder because the BS is starting to grasp more what has happened.
My husband and I have been having a bit of a rough time lately. My husband still has triggers, still has mind movies and still has a lot of bad days.
Things are slowly getting better. We are working through things. But for us, so far, year 2 is worse. Here's hoping year 3 is better.
So.. what year am I actually in? I wish I knew.
She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.
My 2nd year was definitely better than my first, but it was far from good.
It was worse for my W, as she got deeper into her issues.
I find I am now continually questioning whether I want to R or D, whether I will ever be happy in this marriage again.
now I question my self respect if I'm staying. I think about divorce every day. I don't want this to be part of my marital history. If there are any screw ups I'm done... and that's no way to live. It's a deeply contemplative year.
^^ this exactly
[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 12:47 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]
Still so many unanswered questions, even the questions that have been answered don't make sense to me yet. None of it makes sense to me yet....and lots of what ifs still.
It's a shitty journey to have to take, but this site has made me feel better prepared to understand the ups and downs and not have a knee-jerk reaction to them.
Thanks everyone, and best of luck FP, you've made it this far!