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Is year 2 easier?

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Ascendant posted 10/12/2013 10:20 AM

Just wondering...because my DDAY is coming up in a few months, and right now all I can think about is what WW/OM were doing at this time last year...I guess I was wondering if once DDAY has passed, when I think back on the year that has passed it will start to seem more like something that HAS happened, and not something that IS happening? Just a thought.

AFrayedKnot posted 10/12/2013 10:26 AM

The sharp stinging pain lessened. The urgency to save the relationship calmed down. The anxiety and the anger calmed down. So yes it got better in a lot of ways.

The main feeling for me through year two was just a deep deep sadness. Struggling to find meaning and joy in life. I almost missed the pain and determination that went along with it.

Tred posted 10/12/2013 10:29 AM

FP - It varies for everyone, but some people actually find it harder (raising hand). The shock is over, but reality sets in. This ain't going away, it isn't a dream, HB is mostly over, and life starts to settle into a "routine". But the routine is a trigger, because it reminds you (the BS) that you thought you were safe before. I'm almost done with year two, and I'll be glad when it's gone. That is my experience.

HardenMyHeart posted 10/12/2013 10:36 AM

For me year 2 was much easier.

Whether it is harder or easier largely depends on the BS. If you're able to accept what has happened and can come to terms with the anger, than R should flow smoothly. If you remain angry, continue to blame the affair as the cause of your suffering, and demand your WS change to please you, then R will remain a struggle.

rachelc posted 10/12/2013 10:43 AM

what Chicho said...

and added to that - now I question my self respect if I'm staying. I think about divorce every day. I don't want this to be part of my marital history. If there are any screw ups I'm done... and that's no way to live. It's a deeply contemplative year.

My husband was exactly this far out from my affair when he decided to have his. I understand the mind set now. However, I have no right to do anything that angry but sit, feel the pain, and wait for it to be over... and hope for clarity..


Good luck!

[This message edited by rachelc at 10:44 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]

Rebreather posted 10/12/2013 10:45 AM

Year two was not much better at all. It just offers a different phase to the healing process. Things normalize, but that doesn't always make it easier. There is still much healing to be done.

doesitgetbetter posted 10/12/2013 10:54 AM

Many people on here report that year 2 is harder, but in different ways. It was harder for me for sure. Everyday of the 2nd year, I told my H I wanted to D, and I meant it every time I said it. The sadness was more encompassing, the loss was greater, the loneliness was more intense, the fear was more overwhelming.

It wasn't until the third year that things started to get better for me. Halfway through the 3rd year, I was able to reach forgiveness. Funny, just 6 months before that I wanted to D him. What a difference a day makes.

It's not all doom and gloom for everyone, but for many it is. It doesn't mean that there aren't good days still, it doesn't mean that there isn't progress because there is. It just means it still sucks.

Althea posted 10/12/2013 11:24 AM

I think by year 2, if R is going well, the pain, shock, and anger have subsided enough to allow you to really grieve all that you lost. Ten years into my marriage, A year and a half ago, things weren't perfect, but I was looking forward to growing old with and deeply in love with my husband. Now I don't have any certainty of either. I accept that, but that reality is also very sad. As a result, my baseline is pretty sad when it comes to our marriage. R is going very well, and he is working his a#$ off every day, so I'm hanging in there. My hope is that with time, those feelings will return, but WH and I both understand they may not. This is our new reality. Sigh. Welcome to year 2.

Zayda1 posted 10/12/2013 14:50 PM

For me year 2 has sucked. The anger and rage hits harder. The "what we're you thinking" still takes my breath away.
The loneliness is terrifying. I have felt so very alone. My friends and family simply don't understand why I am still upset.

I find that I have to work harder to make it through each day. Counselling, reading books, opening myself up WH and realizing that I need to work on my own issues has started to take up most of my time.

For me year two is hard work. Only 6 months in and I'm exhausted.

[This message edited by Zayda1 at 2:51 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

Ascendant posted 10/12/2013 17:04 PM

Thanks everybody. I appreciate all the insights.

FR2012 posted 10/12/2013 20:22 PM

My husband and I are almost 18 months out.

Being a FWW, I can tell you that year 2 has been worse. I have heard a lot around here that year 2 is harder because the BS is starting to grasp more what has happened.

My husband and I have been having a bit of a rough time lately. My husband still has triggers, still has mind movies and still has a lot of bad days.

Things are slowly getting better. We are working through things. But for us, so far, year 2 is worse. Here's hoping year 3 is better.

5454real posted 10/12/2013 20:44 PM

Chico hit it pretty well. It's why I question acceptance vs rug sweeping. Also I've come to hate the plane of lethal flatness.

ontheslope posted 10/12/2013 20:51 PM

Year 2 for me was a bit odd, but that was because I put up a wall and didn't deal with anything. I don't even know at this point how I did it (my IC say's it is actually quite common - PTSD type thing), but I managed to 'fake' my way through most of year 1 and year 2. It wasn't until year 3 that I started to fall apart, and all the repressed emotions came out. Not a pretty sight at all.

So.. what year am I actually in? I wish I knew.

sisoon posted 10/12/2013 22:09 PM

The 4.5 months before my first antiversary - i.e. the A season - was pretty bad. I felt a lot of relief after the actual antiversary.

My 2nd year was definitely better than my first, but it was far from good.

It was worse for my W, as she got deeper into her issues.

ItsaClimb posted 10/13/2013 00:47 AM

Year 2 has been awful so far. For me it's been just as bad as year one, but in a different way. The pain is not as raw, hot and intense, rather it's an incredibly deep, sad, life-sucking kind of pain.

I find I am now continually questioning whether I want to R or D, whether I will ever be happy in this marriage again.

now I question my self respect if I'm staying. I think about divorce every day. I don't want this to be part of my marital history. If there are any screw ups I'm done... and that's no way to live. It's a deeply contemplative year.

^^ this exactly

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 12:47 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]

standinghere posted 10/13/2013 01:28 AM

Easier for me, harder for my wife, but not easy no matter how you look at it.

Angel177 posted 10/13/2013 08:32 AM

I'm only a month into year 2 but so far it's exactly like everyone else said...harder, more real, more intense.

Still so many unanswered questions, even the questions that have been answered don't make sense to me yet. None of it makes sense to me yet....and lots of what ifs still.

eachdayisvictory posted 10/13/2013 08:47 AM

As someone 8 months into our journey, I appreciate reading this thread. It helps me to understand when I have weeks of positive work, only to feel like a failure when I fall into the dark sadness again.

It's a shitty journey to have to take, but this site has made me feel better prepared to understand the ups and downs and not have a knee-jerk reaction to them.

Thanks everyone, and best of luck FP, you've made it this far!

lostcovenants posted 10/13/2013 09:31 AM

My DD was 7-8-13 it terrifies me to read that year two will be just as bad or possibly worse. I'm 59 years old. Will I feel like this for the rest of my life?

Jadedgirl posted 10/13/2013 19:54 PM

I don't reply to many threads but I will say year two has been a mixed bag for me. It has brought the realization that I will never forget and always wonder if I will get hit with a second DDay. I now realize that my viewpoint of marriage is completely changed, and after seeing how common adultery seems in our culture, this year has made me question why people even bother getting married.
On the other hand, year two has brought a renewed sense of strength for me. I know I can survive being by myself if a second DDay ever happens. I know that I will not be alone forever, if I am not with my WH. Although I have vowed that if my WH and I are ever not together, I will simply get a FWB or marry for money - emotions are overrated - lol. Just kidding, well maybe :)

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