Topic: Regaining respect for WS
Member # 40161
| Posted: 10:53 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013|
We talk a lot about the process of rebuilding trust. It is such an important part of reconciliation and there is a process of doing it over time.
There seems to be much less out there about regaining respect. I have no respect for WH right now. I know there were some pre-A issues making this problem worse in our case but I'm guessing this might be an issue in other relationships.
It worries me because so many of the marriage books talk about how men need respect and admiration from their wives and how contempt is a destroyer of marriages. So how do we start respecting our WSs again. I know I will someday be able to forgive and accept with time but respect seems so much more difficult.
Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R
Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
Member # 36519
| Posted: 11:41 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013|
So true. I used to say that the secret of a happy marriage (back in the days when people used to ask me how we managed it for 20-plus years, back in the days when I used to think I had a handle on this...) was genuinely thinking the other person was better than you in some profound way. Well, that's been blown to bits for me. When I look at WH, I see this seething mess of out-of-control, childish neediness. I see someeone whose inner demons were such that he did something seriously fucked up. I see someone I don't really trust.
I think this is slowly changing over time, but it's taking a while...
BS (me): 51
Married: 27 yrs
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R
Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 31240
| Posted: 12:35 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013|
It probably takes as long to rebuild respect as it does to rebuild trust. As a remorseful WS heals herself, she'll rebuild both. It just takes time.
fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 70 (22 in my head), Married 45+, together since 1965, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Largely recover'd and R'ed
I'm not an exemplar. I share my own experience because it's all I know.
Posts: 12381 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 21761
| Posted: 1:34 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013|
genuinely thinking the other person was better than you in some profound way
Wow. That is not how I define respect.
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker
Posts: 6292 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Member # 36774
| Posted: 3:59 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013|
I had to start focusing on the things I had not lost respect for.
For example before and after his A he is a hardworker.
I started to try to think of things to put on the list.
I really didnt like the feeling of not having any respect for him so I looked for the things that I might have overlooked.
I started to repect how hard he was trying to change himself...thats hard to do and stick with.
Even if it was something as dumb as how nice he keeps the lawn. its a little building block building up to someday being where he was.
he will probably never be as much as before just like trust but he can get closer.
M 8yrs 2 kids
DD 2/12 lies until 4/12
2.5 yr A with an OLD married whore
working on R
Posts: 233 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 37107
| Posted: 12:56 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013|
You've raised something I have been thinking about a lot lately.
I have been wondering how on earth I will ever dredge up any respect for my fWH ever again, because when I look at him all I see is, as Blobette said "this seething mess of out-of-control, childish neediness"
How can I respect someone who would do all those deeply disgusting things, without a moment's guilt or shame? Right now I have ZERO respect.
Together 30 yrs, M 26 years
2 daughters 25yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 20yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later
Posts: 1287 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 38162
| Posted: 8:45 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013|
I respect the courage it took for my H to admit that he was deeply messed up, and to go to IC twice a week for months to talk about all the ways he is damaged.
I respect the guts it takes to stay with me and really listen when I'm heartbroken or furious. It takes a ton of self control to stop the instinct to defend himself. He keeps owning his shit in words and actions.
I respect the hard work he's done to come out of denial and face an abusive childhood. He had lied to himself for so long and it was deeply scary and painful for him to stop and admit the truth.
I admire him for the strength of character it takes to be honest about what he did, to feel huge shame, but to refuse to get stuck in a pity party or go back to denial. Instead, he is starting to go beyond the self-disgust and become a better person who will not do anything like this again.
Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 40462
| Posted: 8:52 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013|
I agree with the responses in general. I can respect the hard work my H is doing now. I can respect the changes he has made, and the courage he is finding now that he never had before.
As far as men needing respect, I find that we build that through a sense of 'togetherness' about our work lives. He is talking to ME about those stresses now, and I can find lots of things to respect in his work efforts, his changes in handling stress and people at work, and his constant checking-in with me about decisions.
I can't and never will respect his decision to engage in the affair. That can only be repaired for me with true and constant remorse, and me making regular checks with him about what he feels about his betrayal NOW. I told him that I cannot stay in our M if he holds on to any justifications or sees the A as something that was inevitable. It's hard slugging, but my needs are being met - and I have some respect for him from that.
me, BW: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 4 and 6
Posts: 501 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
Member # 40547
| Posted: 7:53 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013|
I think it is important to remember that the A is NOT everything that they are, and if (and this is not always easy) we can put aside our hurt and disbelief for a while, we know that there is so much more to this very, very human person....we are all human and it ain't pretty, but we are all so much more as well and ALWAYS have the capacity to grow and change.....we ALL make horrible mistakes...different kinds...but we are all human deserving of love and respect....I hope my WH can also love and forgive me for the many things I have done over the years that were "human" as well...compassion for the struggle of being "human" is the precursor to respect I think...and we should be compassionate and loving to ourselves as well...we are sooooo strong..wow...to forgive, care and "eventually" let go and love.
Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...
Posts: 333 | Registered: Sep 2013
|Topic Posts: 9|