He is a cake eater.
Not willing to give up his marriage but still craving the rush of the affair.
Meanwhile what he is doing to you is abusive.
Please take care of yourself.
Meds can be very helpful to help you with your anxiety and/or depression.
I needed both post d-day.
I also went to see a IC.
That was a life saver for me.
A good book for you to read : Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson.
It's an older book. He is a Christian author who definitely believes in marriage but in the case of a WS that wants to continue the affair and thinks he's 'in luv' with the OW Dobson gives the BS very clear advice about how to implement a tough love approach.
The ideas in the book are universal and not necessarily
just for one religious point of view.
He says not to beg or plead for the WS to stay and describes why that approach doe not work with a foggy WS.
Many of his suggestions mirror the 180 described on SI.
(Look for it in the Healing Library articles-the yellow box on the left of the screen).
Then again I'm an angry cleaner/purger. When I was confronted with the PA I spent the time railing at him while frantically cleaning the bedroom. At least I know my neurosis?
But what really helped me was losing a poor excuse for a husband.
Really, the relief was dramatic and immediate. Was I instantly healed? No. But I don't think I would have ever healed, otherwise.
I hope your husband finds his self-respect and honor and is able to experience (and demonstrate) his remorse before it is too late.
But if mine were texting OW while away for the weekend with the kids? I'd have a real problem with that.
I hope they're old enough to be safe while their father is busy epitomizing self-indulgence.
I am considering dissolving the marriage in a big way. There are a lot of things that need to be figured out in the interim but this is not a healthy place to be.
njgal480 i will definitely find that book thank you very much for the suggestion.
I am so sorry that you are going through this . I can feel your pain through the page!
I noticed from your info that your D'day was quite recent.
The best advice that I was given, both in IC and from my wise Mother, was to take care of myself. To set my boundaries with fWH.
Early on I was an emotional wreck; depressed, confused, angry, etc. It was all I could do to get out of bed each day. He of course still being the selfish individual he was was determined to make it about his needs. I had to distance myself; emotionally and physically in order to start to heal. I let him know that I would set the agenda for contact with me, and if he didn't like it...well thats just too bad.
Im not saying it was easy, and I slipped more than once and let him before I was ready.
Accept help in any form that it comes as long as it is coming from a genuine source. You know what you need better than anyone else, listen to the little voice inside of you, the one that used to know how to take care of you, before all of this.
I found it helpful to "tighten up my circle" for a while. I only let in those who knew how to help me...to be there for me. Everyone else...out! I know how this sounds... ME ME ME!
Most BS's here would also be hasty to add that NC with OW is an absolute must for reconciliation.
I'll be thinking about you.
Married 23 years - together for 29 years
DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children
"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers
I see iD'Day was actually over a year ago. Just like me