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Newest Member: meepsy (46028)

User Topic: Your past holding you back.
Helen of Troy
♀ 26419
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Just get over it. That’s what I heard every time someone told me to “let it go” when I was growing up.

I felt this was incredibly insensitive—that someone who clearly didn't understand the depth of my pain would suggest that moving beyond it was as simple as “letting it go.”

As if “letting it go” was a simple, one-time decision, like pulling off a Band-Aid. Like I just needed to decide to vacuum up all the hurt within my head and my heart, and toss the bag in the trash, allowing myself to bask in the bliss of a clean mental space.

“Let it go” seemed like advice from the disinterested and lazy. If they really cared, they would have listened, empathized, and realized how complex and overwhelming the situation really was.

I had to dwell on it, complain about it, and analyze it ad nauseum. It was just that bad. And anyone who cared about me would know better than try to minimize it.

I've since realized that I was right in two regards: For one, empathy can make a huge difference, since everything feels more bearable when we sense others truly understand. And secondly, some people were disinterested.

But it wasn't always because they didn't care. Sometimes they just couldn't listen anymore, and in some cases, they knew it wasn't helping.

Cruel though it may have seemed back then, refusing to listen to a repetitive negative story can actually be an act of kindness.

Because dwelling, complaining, and analyzing rarely help. Sure, we need to acknowledge and work through our feelings. But obsessing about them is a surefire way to keep ourselves miserable and stuck.

It turns out “let it go” can be pretty helpful advice. The question is: How?

How do you let go of anger when your first thought in the morning, the last one at night, and a majority of the ones in between revolve around how you were hurt?

How do you let go of resentment when it feels you’ll never be able to change the things that you resent?

How do you let go of frustration when you feel stuck, stagnant, and completely powerless to change it?

How do you let go of worries when even the thought of letting them go fills you with worry?

And how do you let go of your disappointment with yourself when you try your best to “just let it go” and continually struggle to do it?

“Letting go” is such an abstract concept. What can we do, or not do, to put it into practice—and effectively?

I've devoted much of the last seven years to studying the art of letting go. I've learned a few things that help with all disempowering emotions—and a few things to address some of the specific ones that are the most difficult to release.

In this email series, I’ll tackle them one by one, with five additional emails beyond this one addressing how to let go of:

Each email will offer a few simple things you can do to release the feelings, come back to the present moment, and find a sense of peace. You will receive them every seven days from this point forward.

I hope you find the series helpful!

Lori Deschene"

This has helped me a lot and I wanted to share it. You can apply it to lots of things not just infidelity It also helped me realize that people did get tired of hearing about it. That hurt my feelings at the time but yes the tired of hearing it person or disinterested person has a right to their boundaries as well.
In letting go a tool I learned on SI is to schedule a time for grief and sadness. During this period I allowed myself to be sad and to express my emotions. When the time was up it was time to put it away until next time, yes compartmentalize- in order to function and take care of daily tasks that needed to be taken care of. I don't want to be a prisoner or victim of emotional pain, yet denying it is not healthy either. Recent past, long ago past, doesn't matter.


Posts: 4728 | Registered: Dec 2009
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 36773 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ 39051
Member # 39051
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's something probably most of us here are trying to figure out. I certainly am. I absolutely agree that the boundary exists for venting, and maybe not just for our friends and loved ones to adjust, but as a mechanism for us to realize that we have to make adjustments and move forward. It's like a metaphorical line in the sand pushing us to the next closest step to indifference.
It doesn't always work for me, but it have found myself concentrating more on listening to the needs of those I have vented to most, in a way to even the scales, but also as a way to stop myself from hijacking all conversations and making them about me and my situation. I don't always succeed, but I'm trying.
I don't know if I am on the right train of thought, but even so, thank you for sharing.

BW 39
WH 34
2DD's 15 months at start
Together 10 years, M 9
OW 22 CW, 2kids by 2 men & youngest less than 1 when affair started.
Dday 1 8/16/12 "just texting"
TT, gaslighting, denial; was always PA; he left me for her.

Posts: 141 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Free!!!
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see the boundaries for others, but as a rather empathetic person myself, I guess I hope for some level of empathy even when that person is not familiar with the problem in question.

However, it is easy to find yourself in a negative cycle, and it's not healthy for those that care to support that. BUT, that has to be balanced with some level of reference for what the person is going through.

Very few people in my world have any level of experience with infidelity, and in particular, the crazy I experienced in the destruction of my marriage. However, all of my friends have been beyond incredible. I've been SO fortunate.

I've remained close to his family, but I think his mom has a hard time with understanding, but I think that's because she's almost 80 and just wants all to be okay. His sister has been great. My family has been pretty good, though my mom has never been the most supportive, so I don't think she gets it either.

I'm not trying to live in it, and I feel so much more removed, esp once I hit the two year mark post D, but on occasion I do still feel a bit annoyed. NO ONE deserves to destroy another's life so selfishly and with so many lies and misrepresentations of what actually occurred. And THEN to move on with the AP as if our marriage never mattered. Ugh....I'm not sad anymore, but it still pisses me off a bit.

But I am working on it, and this post is really helpful.

[This message edited by persevere at 10:37 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4714 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
♀ 39764
Member # 39764
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you're further along in this process than I am. I'll respond anyway. About half of my friends are divorced and half aren't. My frustration is that even the ones that have been through a divorce, have a very different view than I do. They seem to think I should be celebrating that I'm "free." Maybe I'll feel that way some day, but right now, I just don't. To be honest, I don't feel like any of them wants to hear my story. When we're all out together in a bar or out to dinner or whatever, they seem to want to hear the gossip-y side of things. But it doesn't go beyond that. It's so painful, and lonely to live in my skin right now. I feel like I'm not allowed to grieve or be sad for where I am, for what I"m feeling. I'd just love for a friend to say, "Let's meet for lunch." And then proceed to ask me how I'm "really" doing.

I do realize what you're saying about repeating the same story over and over. Problem is, I haven't even had a chance to tell my story at all - not in a meaningful way, not in a helpful way. I believe there is power and healing in having your story heard. Does that make sense?

I hope that at some point I'll be where you (all) are. Sorry for responding with a negative view. It's just where I am. ~L

He had a long-term affair. I found out 5-years after. We're divorcing after 30 years of marriage (10 of them happy ones). I'm just trying to find my way.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 36126
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think letting go is an action- you have to productively use your time to craft a new life- that will help.

Sometimes the emotions are too much so you simply have to muddle through but after a time go back into an activity or call a friend and listen to their life. That can help make you see a different world.

I had a very difficult time and would write my thoughts - any that came to mind- and look at it at a set time. Otherwise it was a place to put all the emotion.

I don't know many people who are divorced (close friends) and most of my friend's parents are still married. The gravity of the pain was overwhelming. My friends encouraged me to simply try and know a new life wasn't going to find me in my home but to go and do little things.

It was easier for me to let go when I realized I kept trying to make sense of it all but I was getting stuck. When I realized it didn't and wouldn't make sense and I was throwing all my emotions into a sink hole and I only had one life I used my divorce as courage that I could handle most anything from now on because I had to endure the divorce.

Letting go is an action to me and is a gradual process. I don't think I will ever truly let go because he was a part of my life but I won't let it stop me and if anything I can look at that time and be grateful. I had the opportunity to marry my bestfriend and we were happy. It just didn't work out.

I also learned patience with myself

Things will get better not all the time but for the most part.

Posts: 1108 | Registered: Jul 2012
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

will get by, like you, I was frustrated with "how to let go?" I was like, what? Do I clap my hands together & it magically vanishes?

So I did the opposite!
I embraced what I was feeling.
Every. Single. Thing.

I gorged on the banquet of emotions until...I just didn't have to any more.

My destination was Indifferenceville.
I didn't get over it.
I got through it.

Posts: 6833 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Topic Posts: 7

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