But I am so depressed. The trauma of the shock is over, and I am slowly starting to gain back the 10 pounds I lost last spring. I am more competent at work - though I may never be back to where I used to be, and I'm not sure that's a problem. But I am so depressed. Everything seems so hard now. Now I have to continue to come to terms with what happened, try to work through my hurt and anger even though I know how remorseful and sorry my fWS is and how hard he is working now. Now I have to do the work on myself to understand my part in our problems. There is no joy in my life, only pain and work.
I know I love him and I hear how much he loves me, so why is it so hard? Why does everything feel like work without joy? I believe those of you who say your relationships became stronger and healthier after the A, and I know we are more honest with each other than we had been (especially HIM) in years, but it doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel promising. It just feels like work, and I feel depressed.
So you might say, well maybe learningtofeel just is really done and should consider D.
And yet, I do want to R. I do want to have that stronger, healthier relationship I've heard about. If we love each other, there is no reason not to keep working on R. Why give up now? I am going to hurt regardless, so why split up when I have a loving, remorseful fWS who wants to hold me and comfort me and take care of me and learn from his bad choices?
But when do I feel joy again? When does life seem happy again? When do hope and promise come? When do I start to feel anything at all besides hurt and anger?
I welcome your wisdom.
I don't remember when I started to feel joy as more than a pinprick, but at 6 months, life still pretty much sucked for me (BH), and it was worse for my W.
People who are done aren't ambivalent. You might decide in the future that the A or its aftermath is a deal breaker, but now's probably not the time.
Almost 3 years out with a remorseful W, life is getting good. I started to feel joy some time ago - I think it was over a year ago.
Hang in - your sense of your future will clear up as you go along.
Some things are better than ever. My W's honesty has really helped. But we have to deal with lots of pain that we wouldn't have to deal with if she had just had a nervous breakdown...but what happened, happened, and, thought I don't want to think how, it could have been worse, I suppose.
[This message edited by sisoon at 3:53 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]
Heartache101 - I don't think I'm taking blame for the A (at least I don't mean to be) but I do know that our relationship had problems and that I have a part in those problems - NOT in his bad choices as a result of those problems. And that's what I am starting to (slowly and painfully) look at.
But still, I will read the 180 again just to remind myself.
I have 2 friends who are also going through the same experience (we are now IRL friends but met on a parenting board online years ago) and we are all in a similar spot. Just tired. I'm fairly certain I want to reconcile and my WH has also made great strides in the last month and a half. I know I need to give it time, but it's hard. I don't want this to be my life. I want my old life back. At least the life I had from my perspective.
I really like a post that came back to the top today but was started about a month ago about accepting - I like the idea of a sort of historical acceptance (yes, this happened) and an emotional one. I think I have come to terms with the fact that these affairs happened and they are now part of my history. But it's the emotional part that is going to take a lot longer.
I also went back and reread the FAQs for BS, and they reminded me of the back and forth nature of this process, that there will be setbacks, that grief takes time and that the stages are not linear.
I do value that we are being honest with each other for the first time - truly honest - in our 26 year relationship. Even though that honesty brings hard things to say and hear.
I read somewhere that Barack Obama has a saying that "hard things are hard." It's sort of funny and circular, but it's a line we use a lot in our house lately.
Guttedagain - it is definitely wise to recognize what good things we have. Our kids are healthy and thriving, our jobs pay our bills, and our house is sturdy and safe.
I think probably six months just isn't very long, still. Compassion to all of us, right?
I do fear however that the feeling of carefree happiness is gone forever.
This is exactly how I feel sometimes. I worry so much that we will never have unaffected happiness again. It will always be there in the back of my mind. Like, "yes you love me, but...".
The thing I keep telling myself is that I know I want to R, I could not imagine divorcing my husband, despite everything he is still my closest friend, although sometimes I wonder if this makes me a very stupid and pathetic person. So knowing that I want to try my hardest to R, it is sometimes easier to tell myself that, "yes, I hurt, but I am simply torturing myself by dwelling and I need to stop." Lol, it works about half the time. Like the last few days, it hasn't worked at all and I have been miserable. Anyway, hugs to us all.
Forgiveness means understanding, acceptance and giving up on looking back.
FWS and I had a really good conversation today - honest, authentic, and with integrity. With tears and hurt and anger. And with love. Not resolved, but both of us leaning in to the other. I feel less depressed than yesterday when I started this post.
Thanks all of you.