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Six months this weekend

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learningtofeel posted 10/12/2013 15:03 PM

This weekend marks the six month point from D-day. Back then, I said I would not make any big decisions for at least six months. At that point six months seemed impossibly far away. Since then we have gone through all of the normal stages that so many here have posted about - hysterical bonding, trickle truth, my 180 and his coming out of the fog, the beginning of true remorse, my recurring hurt and anger. We are both in IC and MC and I think they are going well. I have no plans to leave at this point and neither does he - we both want R.

But I am so depressed. The trauma of the shock is over, and I am slowly starting to gain back the 10 pounds I lost last spring. I am more competent at work - though I may never be back to where I used to be, and I'm not sure that's a problem. But I am so depressed. Everything seems so hard now. Now I have to continue to come to terms with what happened, try to work through my hurt and anger even though I know how remorseful and sorry my fWS is and how hard he is working now. Now I have to do the work on myself to understand my part in our problems. There is no joy in my life, only pain and work.

I know I love him and I hear how much he loves me, so why is it so hard? Why does everything feel like work without joy? I believe those of you who say your relationships became stronger and healthier after the A, and I know we are more honest with each other than we had been (especially HIM) in years, but it doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel promising. It just feels like work, and I feel depressed.

So you might say, well maybe learningtofeel just is really done and should consider D.

And yet, I do want to R. I do want to have that stronger, healthier relationship I've heard about. If we love each other, there is no reason not to keep working on R. Why give up now? I am going to hurt regardless, so why split up when I have a loving, remorseful fWS who wants to hold me and comfort me and take care of me and learn from his bad choices?

But when do I feel joy again? When does life seem happy again? When do hope and promise come? When do I start to feel anything at all besides hurt and anger?

I welcome your wisdom.

heartache101 posted 10/12/2013 15:25 PM

Honey you have a long way to go.
You did not make him cheat!
First I am not happier then I was before his affairs. I dont believe my marriage is stronger.
What I would do to not have infidelity a part of my marriage!
But it is...
But I am a stronger person. I know if I would ever choose to leave this marriage I will be ok.
Not all feel their marriage is stronger then before the infidelity!
I love my spouse I make him a better person.
No marriage is perfect. But I told my spouse I handle all $ it is my way or the highway. That is why I stay it goes my way my way only yeah might not work for some but we make it work.
I dont spend $ like water we talk about purchases etc. We work as a couple I just have the last say
This is a hard road you can make it but you can not let him blame you for his affair.

sisoon posted 10/12/2013 15:52 PM

Based on my own experience and on what I've read here, you're just about normal for 6 months out.

I don't remember when I started to feel joy as more than a pinprick, but at 6 months, life still pretty much sucked for me (BH), and it was worse for my W.

People who are done aren't ambivalent. You might decide in the future that the A or its aftermath is a deal breaker, but now's probably not the time.

Almost 3 years out with a remorseful W, life is getting good. I started to feel joy some time ago - I think it was over a year ago.

Hang in - your sense of your future will clear up as you go along.

Some things are better than ever. My W's honesty has really helped. But we have to deal with lots of pain that we wouldn't have to deal with if she had just had a nervous breakdown...but what happened, happened, and, thought I don't want to think how, it could have been worse, I suppose.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:53 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

learningtofeel posted 10/12/2013 16:21 PM

Thank you sisoon - it's reassuring to read that people who are done are not ambivalent.

Heartache101 - I don't think I'm taking blame for the A (at least I don't mean to be) but I do know that our relationship had problems and that I have a part in those problems - NOT in his bad choices as a result of those problems. And that's what I am starting to (slowly and painfully) look at.

But still, I will read the 180 again just to remind myself.

heartache101 posted 10/12/2013 18:06 PM

The WS likes to say I cheated because my wife ______ and she did not ____ Fill in with whatever he is saying. Yeah they all try it. Can not remember what mine tried.
He has to own his shit 100%!
The marriage is 50/50.
Yeah we could of been doing ______
Byt the WS was being hateful mean rude distant because they were busy in their minds making us the evil asshats of the marriage so they could rationalize their approval to mess around.
Ok. Keep repeating that to yourself if in doubt.
My BFF pulls this on me and I call her on it. She is a wayward
Honey you can make this and have a great life just dont let him tell you it was because you did not_______!

Guttedagain posted 10/13/2013 13:16 PM

Hi, i'm also coming up for 6 months and i feel the same way. I posted recently, it's as if the reality of living with this has just hit me. I also feel down, just hopelessly down some days. I remind myself of how blessed i am to have my health and my family, i am strong and will get through this regardless of the outcome and as it says below, i just keep taking one day at a time. I do fear however that the feeling of carefree happiness is gone forever.

WIgirl posted 10/13/2013 13:25 PM

I'm not quite as far along as you...about 4.5 months...but I'm feeling everything you're feeling.

I have 2 friends who are also going through the same experience (we are now IRL friends but met on a parenting board online years ago) and we are all in a similar spot. Just tired. I'm fairly certain I want to reconcile and my WH has also made great strides in the last month and a half. I know I need to give it time, but it's hard. I don't want this to be my life. I want my old life back. At least the life I had from my perspective.

learningtofeel posted 10/13/2013 13:40 PM

WIGirl, I think the lives we had before we found out are gone forever. It's one of the hard things to get acclimated to - forever, from now on, I am a BS and my H is a WS. Of course, he has known that for 15 years and I'm just finding out.

I really like a post that came back to the top today but was started about a month ago about accepting - I like the idea of a sort of historical acceptance (yes, this happened) and an emotional one. I think I have come to terms with the fact that these affairs happened and they are now part of my history. But it's the emotional part that is going to take a lot longer.

I also went back and reread the FAQs for BS, and they reminded me of the back and forth nature of this process, that there will be setbacks, that grief takes time and that the stages are not linear.

I do value that we are being honest with each other for the first time - truly honest - in our 26 year relationship. Even though that honesty brings hard things to say and hear.

I read somewhere that Barack Obama has a saying that "hard things are hard." It's sort of funny and circular, but it's a line we use a lot in our house lately.

Guttedagain - it is definitely wise to recognize what good things we have. Our kids are healthy and thriving, our jobs pay our bills, and our house is sturdy and safe.

I think probably six months just isn't very long, still. Compassion to all of us, right?

Guttedagain posted 10/13/2013 14:05 PM

Learningtofeel -god bless us all. It does help to know I'm not alone in my feelings and my struuggles. Si does help to keep me sane on my down days. Life does march on regardless and it is short, we owe to ourselves to live it well.x

inshockandhurt posted 10/13/2013 15:10 PM

I am eight months out and feeling some of the same things you all are. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is my life now. It is amazing that it can be eight months since something happened and sometimes it still hits me like a ton of bricks. I too worry about the future and whether or not I will ever be truly happy again. For me there has been happiness, but also no matter what happiness there is it seems to me that at the back of everything we do now there is the fact that my husband, my best friend, the one who was supposed to love and protect me threw me away and enjoyed it.

I do fear however that the feeling of carefree happiness is gone forever.

This is exactly how I feel sometimes. I worry so much that we will never have unaffected happiness again. It will always be there in the back of my mind. Like, "yes you love me, but...".

The thing I keep telling myself is that I know I want to R, I could not imagine divorcing my husband, despite everything he is still my closest friend, although sometimes I wonder if this makes me a very stupid and pathetic person. So knowing that I want to try my hardest to R, it is sometimes easier to tell myself that, "yes, I hurt, but I am simply torturing myself by dwelling and I need to stop." Lol, it works about half the time. Like the last few days, it hasn't worked at all and I have been miserable. Anyway, hugs to us all.

Guttedagain posted 10/13/2013 16:51 PM

I try hard to take each day as it comes, some are okay, sometimes days in a row are bad. I have a remorseful wh but like inshockandhurt sometimes i think trying to R may be seen as weak. This is such a long road for us all and one we so did'nt chose to be on. It's hard not to become bitter and resentful. I have promised myself I will try. I can't change what happened, I can't stop it happening again, that is for my ws to own. I struggle with wanting to continue to try to R or deciding if this is really a dealbreaker - time will tell.

learningtofeel posted 10/13/2013 20:36 PM

Trying to R is not weak. But then, neither is trying to recover solo. It's just plain ol' hard no matter what. We are all getting a chance to show our courage - all of us, even the WSs. It certainly has been humbling.

FWS and I had a really good conversation today - honest, authentic, and with integrity. With tears and hurt and anger. And with love. Not resolved, but both of us leaning in to the other. I feel less depressed than yesterday when I started this post.

Thanks all of you.

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