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SoVeryTired5 posted 10/12/2013 15:18 PM

My WH dated the MOW when they were in high school. They got pregnant, and decided to put the baby up for adoption. They continued to date, but ended up breaking up because she cheated oh him.

Fast forward several years, and I begin dating him. He told me early in our relationship about his background with her. I thought he was so brave. Little did I know what the future would hold in store for us.

Dday #1 was 4/30/13, just shy of our 5th wedding anniversary. I found emails between my WH and the MOW. I remember feeling numb. Completely convinced that there had to be some sort of mistake. There was no way my loving husband could have sent these emails. It was him. I confronted him, and he swore to me that they had only met in person once, for lunch. He said when we visited my newborn cousin in the hospital, it was the same hospital the baby they had placed up for a adoption had been born in. He said it caused him a trigger back to that day. He had emailed her asking if she had any photos of the son they had placed for adoption. After they met for lunch, he said she emailed him saying she was still in love with him (despite the fact that each of them happened to be married). Their "EA" continued from that point on.

Four days after I discovered his lies, his mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Until that phone call, we had not talked or touched one another since DDay. I hugged him as we both cried over the devastating news. At that moment, I knew I wanted to work on our marriage, and get through the coming challenges together.

We had been working so hard at rebuilding our relationship. He told me he had gone NC as soon as I learned of their relationship, and promised me nothing physical happened.

Last night I told him that I was afraid that he was still hiding something and that one day, I would be blindsighted by him again. He asked me why I thought he was hiding something. I simply asked him if he was hiding something. After a pause, he said yes. I felt the ground shift from below me as I waited for what felt like an eternity for what was to come. He then admitted to me that he slept with her twice during their affair.

So I am numb again. Completely devasted that he lied to me again. Shocked that I let myself start to forgive him for the damage caused to our relationship. Now I find myself switching back and forth between sobbing and feeling so empty that it hurts.

For his part, he playing the role of the remorseful WH again. Promising me that this is the whole truth, and pleading with me to one day love and trust him again.

The thing is, I just don't know if I can. I don't know that I can glue all of my shattered pieces back together again. Never in a million years did I believe that this would be my life.

headdesk posted 10/12/2013 15:31 PM

I'm so sorry. We had only a two week gap between admitting the EA and then the PA and I know how that set me backwards. I can't imagine trying to heal for four months and then that whammy.

On one hand it's good that he was honest(ish) when you asked for it. On another that admission was such a lie and that is what has strained me the most with deciding if I want the M or not.

Take the time you need for you. Decide what you want and if you do decide to keep the M decide what kind of man you expect him to be. Hold him to that, but with him being the driving force of it, not you pulling him up to that. It is HIS effort, not yours.


SoVeryTired5 posted 10/12/2013 16:46 PM

Head desk-
I completely agree that his lie is my biggest problem. This has rocked me to my core, and I don't know that I'll be able to find my way back to him.

sunsetslost posted 10/12/2013 21:21 PM


I'm so very sorry. We know and share your pain. Please don't try to pick up the pieces yet. You have to find them first. You have to work on yourself and make sure the pieces are the ones YOU want to rebuild with. Whatever happens in your future take this lesson, apply it, be a better person. Grow, prosper. Reach out. Strength is there. We are here for you.

SoVeryTired5 posted 10/12/2013 22:25 PM

Every time I think it can't get worse, it does. Upon further questioning, WH admitted meeting in the hotel with MOW was his idea and that they met up weekly for lunch in her car.

He promised me that he wouldn't be a coward anymore. He said that everything was on the table...but the bottom just keeps sinking lower and lower.

SkeerdButHopeful posted 10/13/2013 21:42 PM

I am so sorry. Boy, do I remember that horrible horrible feeling upon discovering the messages between WXH and MOW. Those nights not knowing where my life was headed. Loving him so much with my imagination running wild. Just know that you will get through this. I like it recommend journaling. Someone recommended it to me in the beginning, and something about getting those thoughts and feelings down on paper helped me so much. Hugs to you.

silentheart posted 10/14/2013 11:04 AM

I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. I never in a million years thought that my story would be my life either. My DD was in July 2012 and my BF of 13 years denied it originally and then the next day was remorseful and begging me not to leave him and then 4 days later said he was not going to be pestered by my questions. I had to suffer in silence b/c he didn't want to face it. He said he just wanted to put it behind us and move on. Easy for him to say right? He said he couldn't talk about it bc he was ashamed, embarrassed and mad at himself but he didn't get that he needed to be completely honest with me in order for me to heal. Over this past year (which has been hell for me emotionally) I have been able to get some details from him but it is very general and vague. His A went on for 4 years. I'm shocked at myself that I didn't leave a year ago bc that was always a dealbreaker for me. But I stayed bc I was in love and still am. I stayed bc I felt worthless and needed to understand. I stayed bc I couldn't see my future with anyone else but him. I stayed bc I wanted to be good enough. We have had short separations over this past year but just recently I got ill (bc all of the stress of keeping all of this to myself) caught up with me. I think it scared him and all of the sudden he started saying he wanted to do whatever it took to help me to heal. Well part of that for me is knowing the WHOLE truth. So I found this forum about a week ago and have been reading alot and learning alot. I have been going to IC. I have been journaling. I am preparing myself to have a sit down real conversation with him so that everything can be out in the open bc I never got the chance to get all of my questions answered. What I'm afraid of is finding new stuff out now that I didn't know before. If that is the case I don't think I have the strength to move forward with him. It is best that you do all of this now. Get into IC, get everything out on the table now and decide what is best for you in moving forward.

I do know how you are feeling and it is painful. I am sorry and wish you the best.

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