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Newest Member: refusingtogiveup (45708)

User Topic: Does Trial Separation Make It Worse?
breakingpoint
♀ 40963
Member # 40963
Sad  Posted: 4:13 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband uncovered my EA about 5 months ago. He kept his knowledge of it hidden for one month, and we tried to put the pieces back in the same home for 2 months. He then told me that he needed a separation. I didn't want to separate, but I wanted to respect his needs, and give him the time that he needs.

We have been separated for 6 weeks, and I feel like it is hurt our R. He seems to be healing and getting a sense of peace (not that he is doing great, I know he is still in a lot of pain). But my feelings of mistrust and hurt from the lack of intimacy are getting stronger and harder to handle (prior to the EA there were issues with honesty, lack of intimacy, and pornography on his part).

I am doing everything I can think of to meet his needs. There isn't an account or text or phone bill that isn't open to him. I have emailed repeatedly asking if there is anything that I can do.

But I am not really getting that in return. I know what I did was way way worse, but if we are going to R, I need to trust again too. There are two lies that have surfaced since our separation and declarations of transparency. Am I wrong to ask for transparency on his part right now?

I know he is hurting, and I want to give him whatever he needs to be healthy as a person. But this purgatory and continuing to be emotionally and physically shut out is killing me. But its worth noting, I have been struggling with these feelings long before I made THE mistake.

Can you R while separated when trust issues are involved?


Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
toughernow
♀ 40915
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

breakingpoint,

Hi I hope you won't mind me sharing my take on this.

Almost immediately after D'Day I asked my fWH to leave our home. I knew instinctively that it would not be healthy for us to be physically in the same space; as angry, confused and disrespected as I was feeling. My instincts, I believe were right.
fWH was so afraid that if we were apart, even for a trial separation that it would mean that I would never want to take him back. There were days when he would breakdown and call me and when I would insist that he give me the time and space that I need to sort out my feelings, he would panic and come by the house. He would try to talk to me but when I would see him in those early days sometimes I would just want to curl up my fist and punch him in the face. I'm not going to lie to you. There were times when he refused to leave the house and I did hit him. Not proud of that.
I was in IC at the time and told my C about WH's reaction to our separation. He told me that although it may not seem this way, the temporary separation
could actually help to facilitate a more solid reconciliation later if thats what I chose to do.
Shared this with WH. He was still very shaky ( as was I - come on after 28 years together the thought of not being in each others life was excruciating), but he tried to see it as potentially a good thing and began to give me the space I needed to begin to heal.

Can you R while separated when trust issues are involved?
breakingpoint, the separation may be temporary, but be prepared for the trust issues to last a whole lot longer.
As a BS I can only speak for myself here, but I really needed, and continue to need is for my WH to show me enough consideration and respect to give me the time and space that I need to heal.

I wish you all the best.


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
breakingpoint
♀ 40963
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for writing me back. I really do want him to heal and be a healthy person, even if we cannot reenter the relationship.

I guess I have felt shut out, ignored, and rejected for years. This feels like a continuation of the pain that has been my life for such a long time.

I know in my head that this is what he needs. But I do not know how to not process this as a continuation of our old unhealthy disconnected relationship.

Any advice on how to get to some level of peace with this? How not to feel this as rejection?


Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
toughernow
♀ 40915
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He kept his knowledge of it hidden for one month, and we tried to put the pieces back in the same home for 2 months. He then told me that he needed a separation

Sounds like he was either still in shock or processing. It's only natural that this seems a bit confusing to you , maybe like a step backward now that he wants some distance, but it may be that he is just starting to face the reality. Hard today. Maybe his initial response was false R. Been there done that ( although as I mentioned in my last post it was within days after D'Day for me).

He seems to be healing and getting a sense of peace (not that he is doing great, I know he is still in a lot of pain). But my feelings of mistrust and hurt from the lack of intimacy are getting stronger and harder to handle

You have described here the exact same dynamic that happened in the weeks following our separation. I felt stronger because my focus was not constantly being divided between healing myself and healing the marriage. When we were separated I could focus almost completely on healing me. WH was worried more and more as time went by.

breakingpoint you are not wrong to want transparency in your relationship, but as someone who has been on the other side of the A I can only tell you that the "shutting out " may just be his way of protecting himself.

Any advice on how to get to some level of peace with this? How not to feel this as rejection?

In my experience some level of peace is pretty hard to come by for both Bs and WS but, the only thing that I could suggest to you is give him some time to get back on some kind of "even keel". If he does contact you find ways to send him the message that you love him and that means you will respect his need to decide how to heal. Just let him know that when and if he is ready you will be ready to do the work of R with him.

Wishing you the best


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you and he doing to heal? IC? MC? Talking?

If the separation is used to work on your issues (both of you), IMO it can help R. If one or both of you don't do the work, I don't see how R can proceed.

But my feelings of mistrust and hurt from the lack of intimacy are getting stronger and harder to handle (prior to the EA there were issues with honesty, lack of intimacy, and pornography on his part).

IDK ... that sounds like a bunch of real issues tremendously complicated by your EA. Have you considered IC to help you sort out all the issues and figure out how to start solving them?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
breakingpoint
♀ 40963
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are both in IC and MC. And reading, and talking, and praying. This is the hardest work of my life. :(

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SI can provide support and feedback, but I think the issues you have to resolve are best done face to face.

It sounds to me like your M was not satisfying before your A because your H wasn't meeting your needs. IMO, the Qs you need to answer in IC are, 'Do I really want to R? Why?'

[This message edited by sisoon at 7:05 AM, October 14th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
breakingpoint
♀ 40963
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before I respond I want to be clear that I am not trying to excuse my affair. While the troubles in our relationship made me particularly vulnerable, I know that the affair is on me.

You are right on about my needs not being met. For about three years, I have been emotionally shut out and neglected. I have been lied to about porn and other things. My husband still struggles to admit the depth of his issues with porn.

I had "come to Jesus" talks countless times about my unmet needs, and he was unable to change is distance and secrecy.

So why try? Well there are lots of reasons. I know that my husband is a wonderful man without a malicious bone in his body. All of his issues stem from an abusive childhood. The defenses that he learned as a child, no longer work for him as an adult.

We are also great partners in family, money, and life. We love each other very much.

But we have a lot of questions to answer. I question whether we are emotionally compatible. I wonder if we have mutually damaged trust beyond repair.

The good news is that we are both committed to everyone being happier together or apart. This is just really hard to figure out. I am scared that one day I will realize that I can't be happy in this relationship. I also feel bad for me H, because it has to be horrible to be betrayed so badly, and then have do so much personal work in order to have a chance at R. That must seem so unfair.

I think you are right, lots of IC for me


Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
shatteredheart7
♀ 39734
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before I knew of his A, FWH and I separated for almost 3 months. We didn't talk at all the first month. He went to IC, then we started dating. Then I went to a couple of his sessions. Which turned into me going to IC then us going to MC. 7 months after I moved out, I moved back in. What it did for us is help us see that we truly love each other and do not want to be apart. What it did for me is make me realize that if I have to I can make it on my own which really helped my self esteem.

As for you asking for transparency from him, I personally don't see a problem with that. I have never cheated, never even thought about it. However, trust is a two way street for me. If I am going to trust him then he needs to know that I am not going to do anything for revenge and that he can trust me. So, yes he has all my passwords even though he never asked for them, he never looks at my stuff but he knows he can if he wants. We answer each others phones, etc. But that is what works for us.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
mellie99
♀ 39712
Member # 39712
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to echo pretty much what everyone else just said. I was the one that left the home about 2 months ago; I knew we had reached a point where me in the house was no longer going to be of benefit. My WH took it as me leaving the relationship, and every now and then whenever I do something to protect myself should this separation become permanent he becomes more and more concerned.

At this point, I finally understand the importance of putting myself first. I'm due in less than a month now so that adds a new obstacle to things, and I have made it very clear to my WH that I have no intention of raising our child in a broken home. While I have every intention of doing what I can to make things work between the two of us, I have not made this completely apparent to him because, based on past experience, I fear he will stop trying if he knows I'm coming home. My final decision will largely be based upon his behavior while I'm away, but at the end of the day I have to do what best for me and the baby.

We have both been in IC since we've been apart, both seeing therapists that specialize in marriage/family counseling. I have made it very clear to my WH that this time is to be used to work on our problems as individuals, for I feel that until we work out our personal issues we will never be able to heal as a couple. He has a lot of things he needs to work on as a person; I could tell for years he's been broken but he refuses to share that part of himself with me, so I'm genuinely hoping he's finally getting the help he needs. I too need to learn to focus more on myself and love being able to do so without having him as a distraction. At the end of it all I would love for us to be in R, do couples therapy and grow as a family, but right now there's a lot of one-on-one work that needs to be done, and until that happens I'm not going back home. I'd rather be a single mother. I have to trust that he's being faithful and genuine while we're apart, but since there's no guarantee that would happen even if I WAS there (hence why we're members of this site), why suffer even more when this is the perfect opportunity to find out your wants and needs with no distractions?

[This message edited by mellie99 at 10:16 AM, October 14th (Monday)]


Me: BW (32)
Him: WS (31)-Multiple ONS
Married: 1/3/05 Together since 5/2002
D-Day #1-3/2009 (4 years after the fact)
D-Day #2 3/2013(he confessed to 3 more ONS, 1 the month I found out I was pregnant)

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The following is JMO:

Here's the thing - you can't change your H. He is the only one who can decide he can recover from his abuse. He's the only one who can decide you're better than pictures, even if the pictures appear to move.

But everything I've read and experienced is that it's very, very difficult for an abuse survivor to take the leap of faith required to believe s/he is now safe from being abused, especially after being betrayed. I imagine all the feelings around being betrayed by your A just reinforce the defenses he built while he was abused.

The only idea I have is to rely on your H, your MC, and his IC for help in figuring out how to support your H in his struggles. Make sure you ask them what you can do to help.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:27 PM, October 14th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
eachdayisvictory
♀ 40462
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just have to say as a BS, it brought up a lot of emotions to hear you (Breaking Point) acknowledge the seemingly impossible task of managing the pain of the betrayal, while at the same time taking the deepest journey into personal recovery that has ever happened for the BS. It's a juxtaposition that is VERY hard to balance, which is why I have so much admiration for all the partners involved in an affair to even attempt to recover - be it staying together or separating. The BS has to, IMO, admit that they may have been wrong in some of the pre A issues, while having lost themselves through the betrayal.

I think you are doing everything you can, and I hope your BH reads this thread. It's taken us until now, 8 months or so, for either of us to even begin to be able to work through the pain that I caused my fWH in our M before the A. It is so hard to admit that I caused him pain in the face of the trauma I am managing because of his choice to engage in the A.

Wow, it seems almost hopeless when I lay it out that way. Damn it we are all amazing people here doing the hardest personal and relationship work on earth. Keep healing. Best of luck.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 393 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
Topic Posts: 12

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