Its been awhile since DD for me. He had been talking for awhile about how he "loved me but wasn't "in love" with me." When I googled that phrase it came up as a possible affair. When I confronted him he said he had been talking to an old girlfriend but they were "just friends." Of course that was a lie and he continued to lie. I found out about a secret email account which had a twenty month record of their conversations.
One of the conversations matched what he was saying to me. He married me not knowing that he needed an emotional connection. It was all logical. We would be a good match, we would have a peaceful life, we would have a physical relationship, we would have kids blah blah blah but he didn't really have emotional feelings for me. At the same time, I was in love with him and thought he was the greatest guy on earth. He was 30, me 25. You would think that would be old enough to make a good decision. We dated 2 years and knew each other as acquaintances for 5 more.
He told OW that he now knew what love was because he was "in love" with her. He talked of all the wonderful feelings and longings of love. This was an EA so they weren't physical as far as I know. (and I think I am pretty sure about that - they did meet twice but the first time was at her parents home and the second was in a rush while traveling though our area on vacation with her husband.)
Since that time, he has finally stopped contact with her. There was an incident a few months ago when he wanted to write a poem for her mother after her father died. He still insists that it was innocent but he didn't send it after the MC told him not to. (He had convinced her that it was a "sweet gesture" at first by leaving out the part of how the mother knew about the affair and was a go between for gifts to hide it from the OWs husband. AND that he had promised her a poem when her very sick father died.)
He has been going through the motions of reconciling but its so passive. I still feel like I am carrying the relationship and all the pain of what he did.
My IC told me yesterday that it seems like I want him to be as devastated as I am. That if he cannot be that, I cannot let go and trust him again. It sounds mean to feel this way, but I agree with her. He seems to believe that what he did was wrong but he was helpless because I get so emotional and it overwhelms him. He doesn't see himself as a lier. I do. He doesn't see himself as an abandoner. I do. He minimizes his negative behavior and maximizes everything I do. Things such as saying "You abandoned me." He says I should say, "I feel abandoned." I say, you always protect her over me." He says, "You shouldn't say "always" because thats black and white thinking." He just doesn't seem to care about me. Yet he says he does. He acts like the affair is over. But the pain for me isn't. I am supposed to move on and focus on today. Its hard when he is so passive about us even today.
I asked him to move downstairs last April when I began reading his emails to OW. He is making no attempt to move back upstairs though we are in counseling and seem to be moving forward in some ways. I have brought it up (though I haven't said why don't you move upstair again - I feel too vulnerable to do that). He acts like he doesn't really care if we are not together. He likes things the way they are. I don't know if its because he has found it more comfortable to sleep alone, or if he just doesn't want to be with me. We don't have a physical relationship.
I have also brought up what he told OW about not really being "in love" with me when we married. He doesn't deny what he said. It hurts to think that our whole marriage was not a love relationship. No wonder I was so lonely in our marriage. He lived his life and I stood by at his beck and call when he wanted something from me.
If you got this far, thanks for listening. I just blew up at him and I am sure he has no idea where it came from. He is so clueless. I really think that its who he is. He will probably never be devastated about what he did. He just is so easy on himself. Everyone sees him as such a nice, happy-go-lucky guy but I feel that its at my expense.