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Moving forward...

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Eyeofthetiger posted 10/12/2013 18:27 PM

So the last couple of weeks WH and I have been texting more. Natural convo and he has initiated it all . He has offered to do a lot of things for me (fix car and cell phone). Has gone out of his way to do these things as well. A week and a half ago he asked to come over so he did and we were very flirty. I had my guard up but went with the flow. Things happened (we all have needs) and after I didn't let myself think things would magically be different. A big family event was a few days later and he ended up showing up a little before it was over late at night on a weekend he had the kids.

All the while in my mind I am thinking he is coming back. He is really realizing he wants us blah blah. Who would do these things if they wanted a divorce (he is the one who initiated separation and had mentioned divorce first).

So last Wednesday I asked if we could sit down and discuss what was next. Well that went sour fast. He claims notbing has changed ( he isn't seeing anyone or talking to anyone he just says we won't work). So I have him 3 options. 1. Find a way to make things work as a married couple and family and come home. 2. Get a divorce and start those proceedings. 3. Start over and start dating to get back to something better.------ he eventually chose option 2. He had first said leave things the way they are. I said not an option.

Anyways fast forward to today. (He up and left the house 4 months ago and has not returned) I packed up the rest of his things put them all in the garage and texted him saying since he felt that moving forward like this was best, I had packed the rest of his stuff and he can come get it. So he is coming Tuesday while I am at work.

Part of me wants to say. Please come get it now. I want to see him take it.

I feel so lonely. Everyone in my life has things to do all the time. It is so hard to get a friend to just come over and hang out. I find myself getting mad at my friends because I feel like they never want to hang out because they always have something better to do . Then I have to remind myself that I only feel this way because I am lonely.

sunsetslost posted 10/12/2013 20:44 PM


I know. It sucks. FWIW it has helped me to reach out to friends. Tell them you need to get together. I got bailed on a few times but I told them, "Next time. I need this." The support has been amazing. It's been a time to connect, reconnect and discover what is important to you. Strength and love. Always.

pregnantandsad posted 10/12/2013 21:34 PM

I'm so sorry. I am feeling so lonely too, I hate it. At least if he moves forward with the divorce you can finally start moving on with your life.

Heal&Deal posted 10/13/2013 08:32 AM

The lonely feeling sucks, but you cannot reasonably fill a void, until you create the space to do so. To get there, you have to close the bakery.

As things stand, WH gets to show up and have fun with you, while avoiding the mundane details of everyday family life. His kibbles of attention keep you hanging onto the idea of WH as a viable husband. It keeps you stuck.

You are worth more than tiny kibbles of attention, distributed when WH feels like showing up.

As far as helping out with fixing your car/cell phone: if you can do these things yourself, get busy. If not, learn or ask your colleague, friend, neighbor, kid down the street, whatever. Doing them yourself builds confidence and forces you to communicate outside your normal channels. It helps you to take small steps away from marital roles and create space in your head/life for other opportunities.

Boxing the remainder of his belongings was a big step. If he already has normal access to your home, just let him pick the boxes up while you are at work. It saves the stress of a possible dramatic scene or the trauma of it possibly only having significance to you.

Sending strength and hugs.

laney57 posted 10/13/2013 10:40 AM

This was me last week. We're living a hell in IHS. We got closer a few days... Or so I thought. One evening bam! All those emotions came back (I was in a fog obviously). The next day, I cried all day. I missed that connection. I miss my marriage (the one before).
Foolish. Just hurt the crap out of me and he still has no will to do the work.
I forgave myself and moved right back to the goal. Let this son of a B**** go.
You can do this Tiger. I know the feeling of lonely. Everyday, I feel it. Sometimes wish some great SI were local! Not just to talk about this crap, but to have a little fun too. Strength to us all!

Ashland13 posted 10/13/2013 17:31 PM

I'm sorry.

I was strung along too and I was given the gift of false R. I'm sorry to say but I feel like he's dangling you along and having a good time. He sounds messed up like XPervert was for a time, before he made his concrete decision to leave.

Please, please, please be very careful-this is dangerous and if you can cease the physical relations it will likely help to start sorting out your feelings. If you continue, the fog will remain thick, I would imagine? and drag on your decision making and recovery period.

I wish for you that you were taken seriously, as for myself, for I don't feel like your WH is being respectful of you or your needs or your M. And it's so hard to realize and to say, ok, what do I want for me? What will I put up with?

I got to this point at long last and what did it for me was that the pain would not stop. The only way I could start to turn it off was to file, though emotionally it wrecked me.

ETA I always try to remind people of things like STD's that could be brought into your home and even more headaches no one needs.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 5:32 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

Eyeofthetiger posted 10/14/2013 17:50 PM

It felt good to pack his shit. I don't know if it his him I miss or my family unit and someone to be there. Like instead of asking "want to do something tonight?" It was always "what are we doing tonight?" I miss having my person.

I hope one day I can have a person again. Someone I can be comfortable with.

Iamacrab posted 10/14/2013 19:58 PM

Eye of the tiger, I could have written your post (minus the "things happened"). I really relate to many of your posts.
I went through that false situation for 7 months, I'm just 8 weeks past the end of that now.

It's absolute hell, I know.

But the crumbs he's giving you aren't enough, and you're worth more. I'm glad to see you packed up his things, that's big.

I think it's about no longer having a person, set plans, just someone who you think loves you. My WH was my person, my most favorite person ever.
However, I've learned that I should be my favorite person, and my next SO a close second, but not to sacrifice myself again.
However, learning isn't always the same as doing, and it's not easy (at least in my point of view) to put into practice. I didn't do well with it this past weekend, I can say that.

Doing other things does create a sense of accomplishment for me, and distances me from the role I had in the marriage though. It makes me, me, not his wife. I hope it will do the same for you.

Sending lots of good thoughts your way.

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