You don't trust him and you went through his phone because HE IS NOT trustworthy. Do not allow him to try to shift blame onto you.
I am only 2 months into this process myself, but I want to say, please focus on you and your kids right now. Take care of the basics, eat and drink and try to sleep. Breathe. Read here and post here - it has been a lifesaver for me.
There are lots of great articles in the healing library. Check it out if you can. Give yourself permission to process and gather information before you make any big decisions.
If you haven't already, look up in the left hand corner and in the yellow box, click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Read any post on this forum that has a bulls-eye next to it. And I might suggest checking out the "I Can Relate" forum and reading on the SA (sexual addict) thread. Because that's what your WBF sounds like to me.
And do take care of yourself and your children. Eat what you can. Stay hydrated. Sleep when you can. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of your beautiful children. Come Monday, I would see a lawyer to find out what legal options you have. Knowledge is power, so please go get yourself educated on the legalitys if you decided, rightfully so, that you cannot be put through this gut-wrenching wringer again.
Come back often for support. It's slow here on the weekends, but we are all here to support you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 8:57 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]
working towards D...I can't pretend anymore
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
Be good to yourself.
I blame myself cause we were together so young.
I understand the sentiment, but absolutely in no way do you bear ANY responsibility for his choice to have an affair. That's on him and him alone.
Please take some time to read in the healing library. The knowledge to be gained there is astounding.
I know how frightening change can be for you and your children but how scary is the prospect of living like this for the rest of your life?
Teach your kids how a person should be treated in a commited relationship. You owe it to them and to yourself.
Someone I love once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift. --Mary Oliver
It would also show your partner how much he really hurt you and you will not put up with it, not for even one minute.
Please take care.
On top of that what you describe is a lack of remorse and willingness on his part. Changing cheating behaviour takes a lot of work! Is he really willing to do whatever it takes?!? All the energy that is going into this drama with his serial cheating could be better put towards yours and the children's care...
Only you know when you're done, are you in counselling?
We are in R.
It could be though that you have come to accept that he is who he is and you need to move on while you two can remain friends.
I know all this is hard. Please stay strong.
I think the more you find out or suspect you were cheated on the number you become.
Trust and respect is essential and at the moment you have neither. You don't have to decide today.
Do the 180, find YOU and your life today. Love and protect your children and look after your health (full STI/STD checks).
No one asks for this hell, keep checking phone and email etc there's prob more to come...
PS. Just want to reiterate that none of the cheating is your fault AT ALL!
Please stop blaming yourself. So earlier in your relationship you mutually agreed upon some nontraditional activities, big deal. THEY WERE MUTUALLY AGREED UPON. That's not what causes him to now lie to you, and have sex with random people. What causes that is something very broken within him. You need to stop trying to own his actions. The only person you have control over is you. The sooner you accept that the sooner you can start to heal yourself. Figuring out what you want, and how to go about getting it.
Do NOT allow him to blameshift this, snooping in his phone, he's your partner, correct? Then there should be nothing to hide. NOTHING, and the fact that there is, tells me that you probably have just touched upon the surface of what he has done.
Now the most important thing is to take care of you, and your kids, just like on a flight, you have to put your oxygen mask on first, before you can help your kids, you have to put your mental well being first and foremost, if you don't you won't have anything left to give your kids.
Get into counseling for yourself. Read up on 180, it's for you, so you can get strong again.
You don't have to make any decisions today, tomorrow, next week, or next month, but you do need to start thinking on what it would take from him, for you to continue to stay in this relationship, and ask for it. If he is worth sticking around for he will hop at the chance to make things right, if he doesn't then you have an idea how much he is willing to try to help and save the relationship.