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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: How in the heck do you trust again?
torn2bits
♀ 28376
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In this world it seems pretty slim that I am going to trust someone again. I met my WH when I was 19. It was a long time ago.

Now we have the smart phones with easy, private access to porn, craigs list prostitutes and ashleymadison.com.

How the heck do we think about trusting again?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
fireproof
♀ 36126
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I met my ex when I was a late teen too.

I think it comes down to knowing you can't trust 100% because they might not even know what their issue is but trust the red flags that are important for you and trust that you have the strength to handle what may come. Look what we survived. I hope it is possible


Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2012
fraeuken
♀ 30742
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just did. Never questioned XSO for a second, never wanted to. I believed he was in love with me. He swore he would never hurt me that way. And then I was treated like garbage and replaced with his ex in no time.

I don't know how to answer your question. I wished I could ever trust again but I guess I will always have my guard up now.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will never trust blindly again. I will operate on "trust but verify" principles.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10026 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also met my WH when I was 19 and we've been together since. As NG said, I will never blindly trust anyone ever again, and I won't apologize to anyone for feeling that way. It is what it is.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1263 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
macakipa
♀ 33735
Member # 33735
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I met my ex when I was 16...

I will never trust blindly again.

I'm with Nature_Girl at this stage of my life. Too many years of trusting blindly have left me very cynical.


M -25 years, T - 31 years, 4 children
Dday October 8, 2011 - Multiple PAs and ONs
Divorced 1-8-13
"When you give a lot of importance to someone in your life, you lose your importance in their life."

Posts: 952 | Registered: Oct 2011
torn2bits
♀ 28376
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was considering R with SAWH, my sister told me there are no guarantees. Either way, I would take a risk with someone new or SAWH, both roads would be hard.

It is true that I will never blindly trust ever again, but I think if I look at it as taking a risk, then maybe.

I am usually not a risktaker in other parts of my life, which makes it difficult. I like to play it safe.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
inconnu
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I met ex when I was 19. My divorce was final the month after I turned 46.

I met my now-SO as a friend while I was going through the divorce. SO knows it all.

I've never had an issue with trusting SO. Is it the same turn a blind eye trust I had for my ex-husband? No, it's not.

It's a healthier trust with SO. It's me, knowing that I need to trust my gut, and if I see something that bothers me, I need to calmly discuss it with SO. It's me, knowing that if SO no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me, I will survive. It'll hurt, but it won't kill me.

But it's also me, trusting my gut and seeing that SO is a trustworthy man. And knowing that I can trust what I see, that I'm not ignoring any red flags.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12171 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
blue8888
♀ 40896
Member # 40896
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am worried about this. My WH screwed with my head so much. Made me think I was going crazy and that I was this horrible intrusive woman that gave him no privacy (I never snooped on him unless there were red flags and every time I found he had something to hide.) Every time I would start to relax and feel a little trust, he was starting a new EA.


Me- BW 31, WH- 29
M 11 yrs Together 13
2 kids (special needs)
Last Dday 9/26/13 EA w/ 19 yr old OW, too many prior EAs to list, one he kissed
Divorcing
My value hasn't decreased based on his inability to see my worth.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Lisa2You
♀ 39764
Member # 39764
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. How are there so many of us who married when we were 19? I too was that age when I got married. I'm 50 now and going through a divorce. Jeez...

My biggest obstacle, if I ever decide to give another man a chance, will be trusting myself. That's a whole other issue, don't you think?

I would never in a million years, have dreamed that my husband would have had an affair. I was truly the last to know. Turns out half the town knew. I've been married for 30 years - he had the affair many years ago, and not only didn't I know...but the whole freakin' town kept it a secret! I had absolutely no idea at all. If I can be duped this badly, how can I ever trust my judgement again? I can't.

Anyone who knows me would say that I'm very intuitive - very perceptive. And yet...when it came to the most important aspect of my life, I never saw it coming! How do I ever trust my "self" again? Seems impossible. ~L


He had a long-term affair. I found out 5-years after. We're divorcing after 30 years of marriage (10 of them happy ones). I'm just trying to find my way.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013
Ann124
♀ 29289
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is very difficult but possible. I agree and practice, as naturegirl, I will trust with verification but never, ever will there be any blind trust.

My SO knows most of my past re: marriage etc. When SO says or does something he tells me to take with "face value" as he knows I am looking for an underlying factor in what just occurred. I really do try to take the "face value" but it is very difficult. SO also knows that words and actions are so significant and he hasn't faltered in any regards to this...For now no blind faith just trust with verification.

I see this being the only way to protect myself and to eventually remove myself from not being able to trust at all.


Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing is, now you know what you will and will not accept. Now you know the signs to look for. Now you have much more respect for yourself. Use all of these skills when you're ready for your next relationship. IMO, if you say you can never trust again, you're definitely not ready to get into a relationship.

I hear so many here asking, "Is this a red flag?" Trust yourself; you know what works for you now--use it.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 8:16 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20453 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Lisa2You
♀ 39764
Member # 39764
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That makes sense. Thanks. One thing about finding out so many years after the affair, is I don't have the benefit of hindsight. I can't recall a weekend where something happened, or his distance at another time or whatever. If there were signs, I didn't see them. And I still can't. I wish I could - at least that would give me a foundation to build on. I thought we were happy...I really did. Believe me, I know how naive this sounds. Just totally blindsided - plus it had been over for years when I found out. I just don't know what to think or look out for. That's scary. L


He had a long-term affair. I found out 5-years after. We're divorcing after 30 years of marriage (10 of them happy ones). I'm just trying to find my way.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013
ruinedandbroken
♀ 29250
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I met my exh at 18. We dated all through college and got married at 25. I'm now 42. He was cheating on me the whole.freakin.time. I had no idea. I ignored my gut many times. I made excuses for questionable behavior. I allowed him to treat me as though I was invisible.

But at the same time I gave him every last bit of me. He took advantage of me, used me, and tossed me aside when he was no longer interested. Now, to be honest, I feel like there is a part of me that has died. I don't know if I have it in me to trust or to love like that again.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
macakipa
♀ 33735
Member # 33735
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now, to be honest, I feel like there is a part of me that has died. I don't know if I have it in me to trust or to love like that again.

Oh wow ruinedandbroken, I so get this


M -25 years, T - 31 years, 4 children
Dday October 8, 2011 - Multiple PAs and ONs
Divorced 1-8-13
"When you give a lot of importance to someone in your life, you lose your importance in their life."

Posts: 952 | Registered: Oct 2011
Celticlass
♀ 39518
Member # 39518
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way that many of you do. I don't think I can every truly trust anyone fully again. Two guys that I trusted never to hurt me, did and badly.

I don't have any answers, wish someone could wave their magic wand and make things ok......where is your fairy godmother when you really need her?




Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Lone Star State
LearningToRun
♀ 31353
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, the alternative is to shut your heart. And if you are closed off, you cant love. So to love again, requires vulnerability and trust ( yes, i'm a brene brown fan)
And you know, we've been deceived and abused, but we made it through.
I decided it is worth the risk, as scary as it is. And i try very hard not to paint the new guy with the suspicious brush he hasn't earned. Do i trigger? Sure, but i recognize those are my issues to work through. So far, so good.


Posts: 317 | Registered: Feb 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ 33128
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was 20 when I met wh. Now going to be 40 soon.
I don't know if I will ever trust again like I did. I will always question I think. IDK. Maybe if I find a man who isn't all about their privacy. I hate that word.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2887 | Registered: Aug 2011
Celticlass
♀ 39518
Member # 39518
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I met my first husband when I was 16, married him when I was 17-got divorced when I was 44. I met my SO after I had been divorced for a year......these guys were both big into their privacy.

FWL, I am with you, the word privacy makes my stomach knot up & I feel slightly nauseous . Never want to have to discuss the difference between privacy and secrecy ever, ever again




Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Lone Star State
hexed
♀ 19258
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ahh trust...

blind trust, nahh...probably not.

trust but verify...not as much as I used to...that gets tiring too.

imo trust is earned. it builds. it grows. all of that is based on the actions of your partner.

I didn't trust TG much in the beginning and it was hard. But I kept myself under control. When I wasn't feeling very trusting, I would just take a 'wait and see' approach. I only deal in facts, not the scenarios in my head. His actions and his words matched. Every situation that raised concern was logically explained with proof to back it up.

I saved my requests for proof to very few and far between b/c you just look crazy if you get too demanding about that with someone who has done nothing wrong. I did keep my eyes open. For questionable situation the truth often presents itself over time w/o the need of grilling someone.

Now I know him well enough to be confident in recognizing subtle shifts in his behaviour and trusting my instincts about those. I may not find out right away if he were to cheat but I would know and I would trust myself this time around. I also know that I can survive if it happens again.

Recent example: TG started mentioning cheating/infidelity/affairs more than usual in conversations. Nothing else sparked in my brain as being out of the norm so after a few days I asked him point blank what was going on. We had a good talk about it. We are both adjusting to his new job. He's at home now and I'm still travelling. He was struggling with it. He loved that we are so in tune right now that I noticed that little shift in conversation topics.

I think its just time, no more blind trust, and believing in yourself -- both your instincts and your ability to survive.

[This message edited by hexed at 3:27 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8489 | Registered: Apr 2008
Topic Posts: 20

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