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How in the heck do you trust again?

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torn2bits posted 10/12/2013 22:15 PM

In this world it seems pretty slim that I am going to trust someone again. I met my WH when I was 19. It was a long time ago.

Now we have the smart phones with easy, private access to porn, craigs list prostitutes and

How the heck do we think about trusting again?

fireproof posted 10/12/2013 22:18 PM

I met my ex when I was a late teen too.

I think it comes down to knowing you can't trust 100% because they might not even know what their issue is but trust the red flags that are important for you and trust that you have the strength to handle what may come. Look what we survived. I hope it is possible

fraeuken posted 10/13/2013 00:39 AM

I just did. Never questioned XSO for a second, never wanted to. I believed he was in love with me. He swore he would never hurt me that way. And then I was treated like garbage and replaced with his ex in no time.

I don't know how to answer your question. I wished I could ever trust again but I guess I will always have my guard up now.

Nature_Girl posted 10/13/2013 01:02 AM

I will never trust blindly again. I will operate on "trust but verify" principles.

Phoenix1 posted 10/13/2013 01:17 AM

I also met my WH when I was 19 and we've been together since. As NG said, I will never blindly trust anyone ever again, and I won't apologize to anyone for feeling that way. It is what it is.

macakipa posted 10/13/2013 08:32 AM

I met my ex when I was 16...

I will never trust blindly again.

I'm with Nature_Girl at this stage of my life. Too many years of trusting blindly have left me very cynical.

torn2bits posted 10/13/2013 08:39 AM

When I was considering R with SAWH, my sister told me there are no guarantees. Either way, I would take a risk with someone new or SAWH, both roads would be hard.

It is true that I will never blindly trust ever again, but I think if I look at it as taking a risk, then maybe.

I am usually not a risktaker in other parts of my life, which makes it difficult. I like to play it safe.

inconnu posted 10/13/2013 08:55 AM

I met ex when I was 19. My divorce was final the month after I turned 46.

I met my now-SO as a friend while I was going through the divorce. SO knows it all.

I've never had an issue with trusting SO. Is it the same turn a blind eye trust I had for my ex-husband? No, it's not.

It's a healthier trust with SO. It's me, knowing that I need to trust my gut, and if I see something that bothers me, I need to calmly discuss it with SO. It's me, knowing that if SO no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me, I will survive. It'll hurt, but it won't kill me.

But it's also me, trusting my gut and seeing that SO is a trustworthy man. And knowing that I can trust what I see, that I'm not ignoring any red flags.

blue8888 posted 10/13/2013 10:24 AM

I am worried about this. My WH screwed with my head so much. Made me think I was going crazy and that I was this horrible intrusive woman that gave him no privacy (I never snooped on him unless there were red flags and every time I found he had something to hide.) Every time I would start to relax and feel a little trust, he was starting a new EA.

Lisa2You posted 10/15/2013 02:45 AM

Wow. How are there so many of us who married when we were 19? I too was that age when I got married. I'm 50 now and going through a divorce. Jeez...

My biggest obstacle, if I ever decide to give another man a chance, will be trusting myself. That's a whole other issue, don't you think?

I would never in a million years, have dreamed that my husband would have had an affair. I was truly the last to know. Turns out half the town knew. I've been married for 30 years - he had the affair many years ago, and not only didn't I know...but the whole freakin' town kept it a secret! I had absolutely no idea at all. If I can be duped this badly, how can I ever trust my judgement again? I can't.

Anyone who knows me would say that I'm very intuitive - very perceptive. And yet...when it came to the most important aspect of my life, I never saw it coming! How do I ever trust my "self" again? Seems impossible. ~L

Ann124 posted 10/15/2013 06:50 AM

It is very difficult but possible. I agree and practice, as naturegirl, I will trust with verification but never, ever will there be any blind trust.

My SO knows most of my past re: marriage etc. When SO says or does something he tells me to take with "face value" as he knows I am looking for an underlying factor in what just occurred. I really do try to take the "face value" but it is very difficult. SO also knows that words and actions are so significant and he hasn't faltered in any regards to this...For now no blind faith just trust with verification.

I see this being the only way to protect myself and to eventually remove myself from not being able to trust at all.

Sad in AZ posted 10/15/2013 08:15 AM

The thing is, now you know what you will and will not accept. Now you know the signs to look for. Now you have much more respect for yourself. Use all of these skills when you're ready for your next relationship. IMO, if you say you can never trust again, you're definitely not ready to get into a relationship.

I hear so many here asking, "Is this a red flag?" Trust yourself; you know what works for you now--use it.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 8:16 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

Lisa2You posted 10/15/2013 18:39 PM

That makes sense. Thanks. One thing about finding out so many years after the affair, is I don't have the benefit of hindsight. I can't recall a weekend where something happened, or his distance at another time or whatever. If there were signs, I didn't see them. And I still can't. I wish I could - at least that would give me a foundation to build on. I thought we were happy...I really did. Believe me, I know how naive this sounds. Just totally blindsided - plus it had been over for years when I found out. I just don't know what to think or look out for. That's scary. L

ruinedandbroken posted 10/15/2013 21:41 PM

I met my exh at 18. We dated all through college and got married at 25. I'm now 42. He was cheating on me the whole.freakin.time. I had no idea. I ignored my gut many times. I made excuses for questionable behavior. I allowed him to treat me as though I was invisible.

But at the same time I gave him every last bit of me. He took advantage of me, used me, and tossed me aside when he was no longer interested. Now, to be honest, I feel like there is a part of me that has died. I don't know if I have it in me to trust or to love like that again.

macakipa posted 10/16/2013 20:27 PM

Now, to be honest, I feel like there is a part of me that has died. I don't know if I have it in me to trust or to love like that again.

Oh wow ruinedandbroken, I so get this

Celticlass posted 10/17/2013 12:09 PM

I feel the same way that many of you do. I don't think I can every truly trust anyone fully again. Two guys that I trusted never to hurt me, did and badly.

I don't have any answers, wish someone could wave their magic wand and make things ok......where is your fairy godmother when you really need her?

LearningToRun posted 10/17/2013 12:50 PM

IMO, the alternative is to shut your heart. And if you are closed off, you cant love. So to love again, requires vulnerability and trust ( yes, i'm a brene brown fan)
And you know, we've been deceived and abused, but we made it through.
I decided it is worth the risk, as scary as it is. And i try very hard not to paint the new guy with the suspicious brush he hasn't earned. Do i trigger? Sure, but i recognize those are my issues to work through. So far, so good.

Faithful w/Love posted 10/17/2013 13:56 PM

I was 20 when I met wh. Now going to be 40 soon.
I don't know if I will ever trust again like I did. I will always question I think. IDK. Maybe if I find a man who isn't all about their privacy. I hate that word.

Celticlass posted 10/17/2013 15:12 PM

I met my first husband when I was 16, married him when I was 17-got divorced when I was 44. I met my SO after I had been divorced for a year......these guys were both big into their privacy.

FWL, I am with you, the word privacy makes my stomach knot up & I feel slightly nauseous . Never want to have to discuss the difference between privacy and secrecy ever, ever again

hexed posted 10/17/2013 15:21 PM

ahh trust...

blind trust, nahh...probably not.

trust but verify...not as much as I used to...that gets tiring too.

imo trust is earned. it builds. it grows. all of that is based on the actions of your partner.

I didn't trust TG much in the beginning and it was hard. But I kept myself under control. When I wasn't feeling very trusting, I would just take a 'wait and see' approach. I only deal in facts, not the scenarios in my head. His actions and his words matched. Every situation that raised concern was logically explained with proof to back it up.

I saved my requests for proof to very few and far between b/c you just look crazy if you get too demanding about that with someone who has done nothing wrong. I did keep my eyes open. For questionable situation the truth often presents itself over time w/o the need of grilling someone.

Now I know him well enough to be confident in recognizing subtle shifts in his behaviour and trusting my instincts about those. I may not find out right away if he were to cheat but I would know and I would trust myself this time around. I also know that I can survive if it happens again.

Recent example: TG started mentioning cheating/infidelity/affairs more than usual in conversations. Nothing else sparked in my brain as being out of the norm so after a few days I asked him point blank what was going on. We had a good talk about it. We are both adjusting to his new job. He's at home now and I'm still travelling. He was struggling with it. He loved that we are so in tune right now that I noticed that little shift in conversation topics.

I think its just time, no more blind trust, and believing in yourself -- both your instincts and your ability to survive.

[This message edited by hexed at 3:27 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

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