waited up to talk about how his movies was....I was a good wife and a caring spouse....I feel sad about this.
I was a good wife, I still AM a good wife! I am just a wife who doesn't put up with bullshit and expects more than she used to get from the man she married!
IC sessions are the main reason I figured out why I did what I did...characterized very well by these two statements by two different members.
I was and am a good husband. I have my faults too. I have come to realize I did what I did out of two specific motives. First, I did and do love my wife. Second, I did and do have a fear of abandonment that allows me to repress my feelings and needs so that I am not abandoned (if I voiced needs that would give her a chance to NOT meet those needs and I would feel abandoned, so I didn't ask...not fair to her, unhealthy for me. She never programmed me to THINK this way...I did that all on my own...this is why its not fair to my wife). I am also going to expect more from my M then at any time in the past...I just don't know what that looks like....so I am starting with myself....expecting more from myself. Hopefully I can express what I need from my wife in healthy, constructive ways. At that point she can decide if she can provide that, if she is willing to provide that. But first I have to define what that is....right? Most of what I did without in my pre-A M I voluntarily gave it up, never requested it....was not like my wife was overtly mean or withholding from me...though her FOO issues are in play within our M as well.
This resonates with me.....
I never know what to do with these feelings...
I am having trouble teasing apart the mix of love and fear that play into how I interact with my wife. I am a growing Christian...which is very good and I am feeling positive about that. But as I visit with my Pastor it is very clear that a man is supposed to do what I did for my wife. But their is a nuance to this....where my failures of a man (pornography and masturbation) cloud my success of a man (being a dad so my wife could have her alone time, providing a living that allows us to have a SAHM setting).
Odd how some of my actions are very constructive and some of my actions were very destructive.
I am currently not in IC. Doing a lot of reading on boundaries, fear of abandonment, healthy connections, being vulnerable.....trying to piece together who I am really.
Not even worried about if my wife and I can survive adultery....just trying to come to grips with who I am.
I may be projecting too much of me into your post morethantrying....just felt like you were wrestling with similar thoughts.
God be with us all.
NOTE: I am really rambling here....represents where my mind is at. This is important to me...hope I did not thread jack....seems like this is what this is about.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:52 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]