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morethantrying posted 10/12/2013 22:17 PM

I would tell him to go out to the movies (I stayed home with kid) so he could depressurize a bit after work...he went to her...telling me not to wait up...I said I would and I did...I trusted he was really at the movies...worried when he got back late...I was so stupid...no not stupid I TRUSTED him and worried he was in a car accident...waited up for him to see him ...waited up to talk about how his movies was....I was a good wife and a caring spouse....I feel sad about this...what can I do about it now...it is over and does not do either of us good to talk about it...if I bring it up it only makes him feel awful as well and it is over...nothing we can do about it now......even writing it here makes me feel bad..I was a good wife...he was really lost....I never know what to do with these feelings...

Akire posted 10/12/2013 22:46 PM

I was a good wife...he was really lost...

Sounds very, very painful morethantrying. What can be done with such big feelings? All I can say is they will pass, even though it might not feel like it right now. And I'm so sorry.

HardenMyHeart posted 10/12/2013 23:04 PM

(((morethantrying))) So sorry for the pain you are going through.

I was a good wife

I'm sure you were and still are. Unfortunately, you cannot control the actions of another. You could have been the best, most perfect wife in the world and he still would have cheated.

Affairs are rarely about the BS. Why do you think your WH tried to keep it a secret from you? It's because he knows he has a good wife and did not want to lose you.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:08 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

emotionalgirl posted 10/12/2013 23:18 PM

I too was a good wife. I sent him out fishing on the boat I gave him because he had a stressful week. I told him to go to parties at friends houses and didn't care if he was too drunk to drive so crashed there and came home in the morning. I did almost everything at home including snow blow and cut grass if he had to work late. What did I get in return an WH who had an EA and took his girlfriend fishing with him while I stayed home and did the yard work!

What did he get in return? One very pissed off BS who gave him a list of things he is responsible for ( tired , stressed or not). He also got the lack of freedom to go to parties unless I know the person personally and there is no staying out all night (that is why they invented cabs). If he goes fishing, the person going with him has to meet him at our house. There are too may other rules to list!

He also got a wife who takes allot more time, money and attention for herself and if he doesn't like it....then he knows where the door is.

I was a good wife, I still AM a good wife! I am just a wife who doesn't put up with bullshit and expects more than she used to get from the man she married!

sailorgirl posted 10/12/2013 23:18 PM

I suggest you talk about it again. I know it makes him feel like crap at first, but keep talking until he goes through the I'm-a-jerk self pity and comes out the other side and offers you some true empathy.

Tell him again how it makes you feel when you look back at your worried self who never would have even considered that he would cheat. Ask him again how on earth he could come home and lie to you about the movie. Do it until he can verbalize how you feel, and not get stuck in how he feels.

Suppressing your hurt will only make it worse, and it'll leak out later. I tried to stop telling my H over and over how i felt about his disrespect because he got so down on himself. But it turned out that he needed to hear about my pain over and over until he could really listen and not just react with his own emotions.

Now, he is proud that he has the strength to hear me out, and set his own crap aside, and understand me and give me what I need. So in the end, it builds his self esteem to talk about what a jerk he was.

Not sure that makes sense!

blakesteele posted 10/12/2013 23:37 PM

waited up to talk about how his movies was....I was a good wife and a caring spouse....I feel sad about this.

I was a good wife, I still AM a good wife! I am just a wife who doesn't put up with bullshit and expects more than she used to get from the man she married!

IC sessions are the main reason I figured out why I did what I did...characterized very well by these two statements by two different members.

I was and am a good husband. I have my faults too. I have come to realize I did what I did out of two specific motives. First, I did and do love my wife. Second, I did and do have a fear of abandonment that allows me to repress my feelings and needs so that I am not abandoned (if I voiced needs that would give her a chance to NOT meet those needs and I would feel abandoned, so I didn't ask...not fair to her, unhealthy for me. She never programmed me to THINK this way...I did that all on my own...this is why its not fair to my wife). I am also going to expect more from my M then at any time in the past...I just don't know what that looks like....so I am starting with myself....expecting more from myself. Hopefully I can express what I need from my wife in healthy, constructive ways. At that point she can decide if she can provide that, if she is willing to provide that. But first I have to define what that is....right? Most of what I did without in my pre-A M I voluntarily gave it up, never requested it....was not like my wife was overtly mean or withholding from me...though her FOO issues are in play within our M as well.

This resonates with me.....

I never know what to do with these feelings...

I am having trouble teasing apart the mix of love and fear that play into how I interact with my wife. I am a growing Christian...which is very good and I am feeling positive about that. But as I visit with my Pastor it is very clear that a man is supposed to do what I did for my wife. But their is a nuance to this....where my failures of a man (pornography and masturbation) cloud my success of a man (being a dad so my wife could have her alone time, providing a living that allows us to have a SAHM setting).

Odd how some of my actions are very constructive and some of my actions were very destructive.

I am currently not in IC. Doing a lot of reading on boundaries, fear of abandonment, healthy connections, being vulnerable.....trying to piece together who I am really.

Not even worried about if my wife and I can survive adultery....just trying to come to grips with who I am.

I may be projecting too much of me into your post morethantrying....just felt like you were wrestling with similar thoughts.

God be with us all.

NOTE: I am really rambling here....represents where my mind is at. This is important to me...hope I did not thread jack....seems like this is what this is about.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:52 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

Gr8Lady posted 10/13/2013 01:14 AM

I too was a good wife. Supportive and encouraging throughout our 35 year marriage,

Truth be told, regardless of present situation, my heart and conscience is clear. I can't imagine being less of me or a vindictive person.
WH is the person that didn't value me.

Now I certainly have vindictive fantasy s. LOL but I wouldn't ever act on anything, I'm too nice.

standinghere posted 10/13/2013 01:26 AM

I was a good husband, better than my wife ever imagined I'd be, but it had nothing to do with me.

It has to do with them.

What they think of themselves.

Their need for external validation.

None if us, nobody, can fill that hole, not even the AP. which is why the AP often ends up under the bus in the end.