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What do you do for yourself?

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megs56 posted 10/12/2013 22:31 PM

I met up with a friend the other night. I haven't told a lot of people about everything my boyfriend did, but I ended up opening up to her and telling her a lot. It was liberating and felt good and made me feel less lonely and like I'm carrying all of this by myself. I trust her a lot and value her friendship and advice. Anyway, after I told her everything she asked me what I have been doing for myself. I sat there dumbfounded for a minute and tried to think, and then I realized I haven't really been doing anything for myself. I feel like my boyfriend's betrayals and work stress have been consuming my life. I have been eating and somewhat sleeping, but I haven't done anything for myself really. I do understand that in the beginning trying to eat and drink water are all you can do. But I think I'm past that and to the point where I should be doing something for myself.

So I am going to get back to the gym (I've barely gone since the first DDay). Not for any reasons other than I like going to the gym and how it makes me feel. I've gained weight through all of this and I want to feel better about myself. I'm not sure what else, but I know I need to start making myself the priority in my life.

So what do all of you do for yourself? :)

chipmunk41 posted 10/12/2013 22:38 PM

I have started IC and also started taking meds. I haven't told anyone about this other then my therapist. I don't feel like doing much. Today I stayed in bed all day.

suposd2btheonly1 posted 10/12/2013 22:38 PM

I haven't really done a lot for myself either. The other day I did my hair and makeup and that felt good afterwards but I had to really drag myself into the bathroom to make the effort.

I don't have much advice bc I'm struggling with the same issues as well but know you're not alone

emotionalgirl posted 10/12/2013 22:56 PM

I guess it was the opposite for me in allot of ways... Once the reality of the situation set in and I realized my M might end I did the opposite and started to do everything for myself and allot less for him. Within about 2 weeks of D day, I went completely 180 on his ass when he broke NC.

I hired a nutritionist and personal trainer made tons of massage appointments in advance for trouble with my TMJ. Went out and bought tons of new clothes, started working out everyday, made dates at least one night per week with friends and generally just moved on like I was already D. Shook the hell out of WH world that's for sure.

I am a much stronger and independent version of myself and frankly am making my WH work for this R. Funny thing is he says I am more the woman he started dating 25 yrs and that he finds it incredibly sexy! Meanwhile I feel better than ever about myself and although I love my WH desperately, I won't hesitate to divorce his ass if he breaks NC or has another A and he knows it!

megs56 posted 10/13/2013 00:20 AM

Thank you for all of your replies!

I have been doing IC so I guess I have been doing that for myself as well. It has been wonderful and I am really happy that I have been doing it. I guess since I started it because of everything that happened I didn't correlate it with doing something for myself. But I am doing it for myself!
And it is really helping me.

chipmunk & suposd - Thank you for your responses. It means a lot to me. I am sorry that we are all feeling the same way. But at least we aren't alone and we will all get through this. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. I'm sending big hugs to both of you! Hopefully we all start doing more things for ourselves soon! We deserve it! Easier said than done sometimes though, I understand that!

emotional - I love your reply. And honestly you just really motivated me. I don't know, it was just what I needed to hear. I need to start doing more things for myself! My boyfriend did all of his stuff online/texting/ etc. so I have been in this weird place lately where I feel like I have to be around him all the time so he won't do that stuff. I know he will do it whether or not I am around, but I worry about it when I'm not around. But you know what - I need to stop worrying about him and what he might do. I need to start putting myself first. I am going to start going to the gym consistently again. I am going to go get my facial that I have a groupon for and I am going to schedule a massage. I am going to take baths more and read more because I love that. And I don't know what else. But I deserve to feel better and I need to stop obsessing over what my BF may or may not do. I can't control his actions, so there really isn't a point in worrying about them (easier said than done). I've always been really independent so I need to get back to that.

Anyway, I am so proud of you. You seem very strong. And I am not sure if it means much to you since I am just some stranger on the internet, but you post just gave me the motivation I have been needing and I really appreciate it.

MrsDoubtfire posted 10/13/2013 03:22 AM

When I first found out I couldn't do anything apart from cry and sleep. I went on meds and realised that there was a possibility I might end up alone so I had to become independent!

I started to go away with friends for weekends away and got myself used to travelling alone.

I ran- a lot! It helped with my mental state but also helped me keep my body strong.

I forced myself tp change my nail varnish every week and to wear accessories to outfits- bracelets and necklaces and pretty scarves.... this all forced me to make myself presentable and it worked.

I was always a good weight but with the infidelity diet, the running and making myself look presentable I started to feel kinda 'hot'!

The knock on effect was that I started to live for me and not for FWH. *I* was now responsible for how happy I was going to be and THAT was liberating for me.

It freed me to realise *I* am the only perso who can make me happy- I still hold onto thi truth today.

FWH said it made him sit up and notice the changes too. I stopped bawling and begging and started to live with a stuff the world attitude that he found sexy!!

Looking back I grew up in the midst of all this crap and it was a horrid lesson but one that has made me strong ad independent.

I hope you start to do things for you- even one thing a day is a start. You deserve to be treated like a princess so start treating yourself that way.

Ostrich80 posted 10/13/2013 03:28 AM

I do what I want and don't do what I don't want. I used to worry about ws griping about this and that. No more, IDGAF about trying to make things perfect anymore. It feels good and been a long time coming. I no longer feel like the bad child getting scolded.

Junebug0525 posted 10/13/2013 07:02 AM

When everything went down back in 2009, I started having weekly coffee outings with my girlfriends. It was such a stress relief to be able to vent to my closest friends, and they stuck by me through all the back and forth crap. A new friend of mine just went through a very similar situation as me (sans the year limbo), and where did we end up? My coffee place. Seems to be the place to go to vent about affairs. I recommend surrounding yourself with friends at least once a week. Very therapeutic.

emotionalgirl posted 10/13/2013 11:14 AM

Megs....thank you so much I feel strong! Stronger than I have in years and it is a great feeling. You words do mean allot! You are strong as well you just have to dig deep inside to find it.

Folks always remember each of us is strong and important...if only to ourselves!

sisoon posted 10/13/2013 16:08 PM

For her birthday this year, I gave her ballroom dancing lessons. I really wanted to learn; she was unsure. The gift was really for me.

I also made myself pretty kind and gentle with myself.

Finally, almost 3 years after the A started, I went back to bike riding. I haven't reached my goal for this year yet (25 miles), but I didn't start riding until July, and I took 3 weeks off for vacation stuff. Next year my goals are 70 miles on my birthday (7/23) and a century by late September.

Yup - it's taken me a while.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:12 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

rachelc posted 10/13/2013 16:43 PM

a lot. but then again, I did that before too. I wonder if I need to do more for other people?

Nature_Girl posted 10/13/2013 17:34 PM

I started IC immediately after DDay and am still going.

I threw him out of the house and am divorcing him.

I looked back at the things about myself that I gave up for him. I'm now reclaiming those things. Like:

Singing
Dancing
Music I want to listen to
Perfume I want to wear
Volunteering in my community

I let myself laugh again, too.

I sleep in late on Saturday mornings.

I am making friends.

Ashland13 posted 10/13/2013 17:40 PM

Well, first I took a break from IC! (after several years)

And I play the piano, very loudly, sometimes.

And anything that feels nice, like a tv show or small hobbies, a walk, sitting outside...one more coffee...I spend just a little tiny bit longer on.

It can feel really nice to do in small spurts and doesn't have to be expensive treats, to feel indulged and put your mind somewhere else even briefly.

inconnu posted 10/13/2013 20:27 PM

after d-day I got a new hair style, bought new clothes, started wearing makeup again, bought stuff I wanted for the house, and even threw myself a birthday party.

after ex left and while I was going through the divorce, I decided I was going to embrace my inner redhead, and I colored my hair red. And I've been a redhead ever since. It's been a lot of fun.

megs56 posted 10/14/2013 18:11 PM

Thank you for all of your replies! They have all been helping me with my Epiphany that I need to do more things for myself.

I know I am strong and things will get better, it has just taken me awhile to reclaim me - but I am getting there!

I just made a hair appt and I am going to get more drastic lighter highlights (I have very dark brown hair and I have pretty much always done red. I did some lighter non-red highlights last time, but it wasn't very noticeable). I am going to focus on the gym and my diet.

For her birthday this year, I gave her ballroom dancing lessons. I really wanted to learn; she was unsure. The gift was really for me.

That is so awesome! Good for you. I used to be a competitive dancer (mostly jazz & ballet) and I've been wanting to get back into it the past few years. I've been looking up studios ever since I saw your post!

I think it's great that a lot of you are doing more things for yourself. And for those who aren't there yet, you will be one day. I have always been very independent, but I am also the kind of person who puts others before me. I am learning to put myself first!

FeelingMN posted 10/14/2013 20:00 PM

I've been teaching myself to play the guitar. I've been working out, lost 10 pounds. I've been stressing. I'm all over the place

megs56 posted 10/15/2013 12:14 PM

That's good that you are teaching yourself to play the guitar. I am sorry you have been stressed out though. Hugs!

NoAnswers37 posted 10/15/2013 13:38 PM

This is a great thread Megs, very motivating and uplifting

Since DDay I have changed my hair colour, painted two walls of my flat, met up more with friends and spent a ridiculous amount of money on new furniture...ooopps!

And just an hour ago I had a bit of a clear out (for said new furniture) and have thrown 2 bags of stuff out - mainly containing XBF's possessions or things that reminded me of him.

Guess he won't be getting that nice suit back now!!

megs56 posted 11/6/2013 15:15 PM

Thanks Noanswers! You did a lot for yourself, that's great! :)

I've now changed my hair color, found the perfect dance studio for me, and I have been doing a lot more things with my girl friends. Oh and I also went shopping and bought 6 new pairs of shoes and a purse haha. I also started journaling again, which is something that helps me a lot. I feel like I have made a lot of progress since my first post. I am definitely doing a lot more for myself. I hope everyone else on here is doing things for themselves as well. :)

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