H read How to Help, took him 6 months, no he has applied nothing.
I am riding the roller coaster, the accelerated version.
The biggest hurdles for us at this moment are, (I think anyways)
Lack of consistency from h. I am vulnerable, express pain.
One of two things happens,
a. he is supportive, listens, says I'm sorry "this" happened. Not great but I get his struggle.
b. He becomes defensive and puts the blame on me for taking so long to heal.
I never know, cannot predict what his response will be. It is a risk every time.
His lack of effort. Sporadic reading, a couple of paragraphs and then he is done.
I printed for him, at his request, What every wayward needs to know, after 3 weeks he is on page 2, I think, because they are turned over. I don't ask anymore about the reading because it does nothing but cause an argument. At this point the choice is his.
Also, he has not faced his actions. Mostly I think he is so good at compartmentalizing that he never even thinks of them until he looks at me. Then he becomes angry at me, like I am the source of his discomfort. It is crazy.
It has been up and down like this every couple of days.
He started with a new IC this week. Thankfully, first one was telling him that my reactions were too extreme. Not good.
After 2 days of not talking to each other except for the most trivial and polite exchanges, we had a real conversation this morning.
I asked him for the truth. Tell me what is really happening inside you. Do you want this marriage? Do you want your life with me? Please just tell me the truth. The truth will not cause me any more pain than the pain I am in now. I can accept the truth, feel it, recover from it but this just feels like limbo, it is causing more pain daily. I do not want you to stay with me out of pity, obligation, shame, fear of what your family will think. I want you to stay because you love me, because our marriage, your life with me is more important than anything else. If you do not feel that way please be honest, it is okay, I will live with it, recover from it, I can live with the truth but I cannot live with this ambivalence.
If you don't feel like this is the most important thing to you, please tell me, let me go, I want to be loved completely and honestly, if you do not give me the chance to start a new life. I honestly was prepared for him to walk and I knew I would be okay, it would hurt but so does this.
He broke down and cried for the first time. He said that he needs to face what he has done. He says he feels the pain but shuts it down and does not express it. He says he feels anger at himself and is afraid of the other emotions. He said that the thought of losing me terrifies him.
I told him I want my life with you but it is not going to work unless we go through this together, face the events, talk about them, cry about them, together. It will not just go away on it's own. Just because you don't look at the elephant doesn't make it not there. It is real, it is a part of our life now and must be dealt with.
If we don't deal with it honestly and openly we will not last. I will not be able to love you like I want to, I will always feel as if I am betraying myself, wonder if you are truly committed to me if we are not honest about all of this.
We are going to fill in the blanks of a calendar I made. Several weeks ago I told him that there are a lot of dates coming up that are going to be especially painful for me. At the time he seemed to want to know, but he has yet to even look at it.
We talked about that this morning also. He avoids it because it causes him pain.
So, today we are going to fill in the blank days, the days I have questions about. I guess it is our time line. We will see how it goes, if it even happens.
Cheryl Crow, just this line, "are you strong enough to be my man?"
That goes through my mind over and over.
It feels good to know I am strong, it still hurts, but I AM STRONG.
I will update later, if I have any brain cells left at all.
strength and honor
(isn't that from a movie?)