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Letting go Emotionally

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PositiveAttitude posted 10/13/2013 08:18 AM

My WH refuses to let go of OW. He doesn't appear to want to let go of me either, but that appears to be the direction in which we are headed.

I still love him with all my heart, but for the most part I am a strong, capable, beautiful woman and I will survive this upheaval of my life, and I now realize that I deserve all of my husband - not just the parts he reserves for me.

We will be doing in house separation when he isn't traveling (he travels ALL the time) so certain issues must be worked through - like the fact that we can't go more than two days together in an emotionally charged situation without falling into bed together.

My difficulty lies in letting go emotionally. I do still love him with all my heart and don't want to divorce him, but realize that I have no control over what he chooses to do.

I'm going to need strength and composure. Any ideas?

myperfectlife posted 10/13/2013 09:03 AM

I totally feel where you are right now.
My WS continues to eat cake as well.
My suggestion is simply this: Start thinking about yourself.
During the day when thoughts about HIM or HER cross your mind, stop and turn the thoughts back to you.
It is the first step toward taking care of yourself.
People will say go do something for yourself...go get your hair done, go shopping, go for a run, treat yourself to a weekend away.
Do any and all of these things if and when you can.
But the first step, I believe, is mental.
Simply THINK about YOU.
Live your life without consulting him for everything, do the 180 and just go inside yourself.
As far as the sex part...I had a hard time with this as well.
I've found that being nervous really puts me on the edge sexually. Maybe this is TMI, but I had to take care of myself "in that way" proactively. As in, I had to make sure that I had released that tension before hand when I knew I would be around WS.
This has greatly helped me. When that tension is gone physically, it makes it easier to concentrate on the true matter at hand.
If you can scratch that itch before he comes around, you will be more in control of yourself mentally. This will empower you and help you think straight.
Remember that all of this is a process and you can take each process one step at a time. You will get through this.
That is my advice, for what it's worth.

gonnabe2016 posted 10/13/2013 09:12 AM

If you want to let go of him emotionally, you'll have to first stop falling into bed with him.......

suckstobeme posted 10/13/2013 09:15 AM

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you've been through the wringer since DDay.

I guess the thing that helped me was to turn my thinking around and take back control of my emotions, at least as much as possible in the beginning stages. What I mean is to take control and find your anger. Direct it toward the person who most deserves it - him. You say you know you're beautiful and strong and capable, but it doesn't sound like you truly believe it if you still want to be with a man who could break your heart with an A and then rub salt in the wound by having to "decide" between some OW pig and his family. He doesn't deserve you - know that in your heart.

I don't mean to sound harsh and I know exactly how you are feeling but it's the only way to try to break that emotional connection. He's a bastard who doesn't get to choose you anymore. You let him know that you don't choose him.

I don't know how in house S works. To me, it sounds like its own brand of hell. If you have to do it, then you need to be sure that you employ a hard 180 whenever he is around. The last thing you need is to have sex with him. That will only further destroy your emotions.

If you don't have to do in house S for financial reasons, I wouldn't. It's very hard to get your heart to catch up with your head and unfortunately keeping him around you for longer than necessary is only going to prolong the pain.

I'm sorry. You WILL survive this, but you also have to stop thinking of him and put yourself and your children first. He doesn't matter now.

PositiveAttitude posted 10/13/2013 09:21 AM

In house S would be it's own unique brand of hell, but our house is large enough to give me the space I need.

Financially it is best for us right now. He could go live in the barracks, but it would sink me financially.

I do often want him to still choose me because I'm suffering my own shame and embarrassment regarding my part of our marital problems. "If I had only done this and if I had only done that" thinking.

I don't feel completely blameless and still mostly blame myself for the failing of my marriage.

[This message edited by PositiveAttitude at 9:22 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]

Pass posted 10/13/2013 10:28 AM

It's very easy to blame yourself for the failing of your marriage; god know I did it too. I finally came to this conclusion:

Yes, I may have some faults that made our marriage less than perfect, but at no point did I physically push her onto another guy's dick. And more importantly, at no point did I dip my wick into anything I wasn't supposed to.

The infidelity is totally your husband's fault. He's an arsehole, and he decided that getting off was more important than working on your marriage. That's totally on him, dude.

And that's something that is very easy for you to get good and mad about. Find your rage.

PositiveAttitude posted 10/13/2013 10:31 AM

Can I still be angry if the "getting off" from him was less about the sexual release and more about the emotional fulfillment he sought?

Or should that make my rage and anger ever more intense?

ladies_first posted 10/13/2013 10:37 AM

I'm suffering my own shame and embarrassment regarding my part of our marital problems. "If I had only done this and if I had only done that" thinking. I don't feel completely blameless and still mostly blame myself for the failing of my marriage.

At a certain point -- Divorce or Separation is the legal point -- it stops being about blame ... and simply becomes a matter of personal responsibility to move forward.

With each stage of healing the personal narrative becomes shorter:
"In 2012, he did X and I did Y, and we spent all of 2013 in false R, etc."

Until, finally, it's a one-word Facebook status:

That's it, really: Divorced

PositiveAttitude posted 10/13/2013 11:16 AM

A one word explanation is desirable for me right now. We've discussed our marital breakdown to an exhausting level. I'm just so tired of it all!

suckstobeme posted 10/13/2013 12:49 PM

Did he come to you before his A to say very clearly that he didn't feel like his emotional needs were being met and if things didn't change, he would have to go somewhere else?

I highly doubt it.

Pass is spot on. You were in the same marriage and didn't try to invite a third party into it. I'm sure you didn't whistle show tunes out of your ass every minute of every day either between kids, bills, work, taking care of a house and dealing with his travel schedule.

Look, you still love him and that's nothing you can turn off like a faucet. But, at some point, you have to stop protecting him and making excuses for his purely selfish, cruel and abusive behavior. This is not your fault. None of us is able to compete with a fantasy. He wanted a fantasy of irresponsibility, free sex, and someone at home to take care of him and his kids. That's not real life.

Again, this is not your fault and fuck him for making you think so.

EDited to add - and yes, your rage should intensify when you truly realize that he not only sought out another for sex, but that he had the nerve to pour energy into a fake bullshit "relationship" for several months when he should have poured that energy into saving his family. He knows better and just wants to shift the blame over to you so he can sleep better at night.

[This message edited by suckstobeme at 12:53 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

Ashland13 posted 10/13/2013 15:26 PM

For a long time, I loved XPervert, even when I realized what he was doing, it took time to stop and sometimes still flares up. A memory or hearing his voice talking to our kids may spark something.

It sounds to me like you have a lot of decisions to make and I think, unfortunately, that while you are near your WH, you might have trouble with this.

Some questions come to mind to ask yourself-could you be happy knowing that you were sharing your H with another woman? Could you be happy not knowing where he is for portions of time? At long last, I could not.

What about STD's and health and strangers in your life that you don't need?

What about respect for yourself?

Sometimes I find that old patterns-even sex as an old pattern-seem like comfort for a time, but I got to feeling like I was settling and being used.

No, none of us have control over what another person does and sometimes all that we do doesn't matter in the end. And that's a person we don't need anyway.

I loved XPervert, as I said, even after I knew what he did and I'm embarrassed to admit it now, but we all go through the process in different ways.

There is a threshold that we come to or "deal breakers", it's called on SI often, where you will just...know.

Pass posted 10/13/2013 16:09 PM

Can I still be angry if the "getting off" from him was less about the sexual release and more about the emotional fulfillment he sought?
Or should that make my rage and anger ever more intense?

It doesn't matter what his excuse was. He went outside your marriage instead of trying to work it out. If it couldn't be worked out, then it was his job to end the marriage before starting up a new relationship.

There is no excuse for it. He did a bad thing, and is making you believe it was your fault. Fuck him!

Ashland13 posted 10/13/2013 17:18 PM

Diddo on what Pass said. And the rage/anger stage can be constructive and protective like a shell.

I wish you could get some distance from this guy, PA, so that you can look at him and your situation from different angles. I wonder if sticking to the same routine is prolonging your rose colored glassed from changing hues? I don't mean it rudely and hope it won't be taken that way, but when XPervert was around more I found it hard see the real deal and make some distance for myself to sort things out.

Being in close quarters I would think would not be easy and would it prolong any of the processes you need to work through?

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