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He moved out on 23rd anniversary

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Mypoorkids posted 10/13/2013 08:28 AM

I wanted to try to work things out. I didn't want my kids to find out. Then I found out that she dumped him for another man (not her husband). Is that why he wants to be with us? I couldn't let him stay. The worst pain is from having to tell my kids. They are so angry with him. WH is the $ earner. They are terrified that we will be out on the street. I am afraid too but I am trying to reassure them that I can support us. Can I? How do I do this? This feels like too much.

SerJR posted 10/13/2013 10:03 AM

I found out that she dumped him for another man (not her husband). Is that why he wants to be with us?

Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.
The WS usually wants to have the best of both worlds - the excitement and ego-stroking of the affair, and the comfort and security of the marriage. With the OW dumping his ass, he is now facing reality in place of the eroding fantasy. He is now dealing with consequences.
Whether he is coming back to the marriage as merely his security blanket, or whether his eyes have opened and he is wanting to change remains to be seen.
You can decide to continue with divorce. You can decide to try reconciling. And you can decide to give yourself some time to wait and see.
If he is truly remorseful, you will know it through his action. I suggest you do give yourself the time to figure out what you want and what the truth of the matter is. At the same time though, you can take action with your life to ensure that you are on the path moving forward. Consult a lawyer to find out your rights, seek counseling, find out how to take care of you and your needs. You don't need to make a decision until you are ready.


Take2 posted 10/13/2013 10:25 AM

Mypoorkids - I am so sorry you've joined us, but happy you found the site. ((Big hugs!))

You have only two jobs right now. The first is imperative - the second highly advised, but as you can manage.

The first is your health! Eat, drink (stay hydrated) smoothies if food is too much, vitamins. Your immune system is taking a major hit right now. Try to get a little exercise, walking is good. Get through the day anyway you can, one breath, one minute at a time. Take all the hugs you can get right now and give them liberally to the boys.

Your second job is not to let the fear paralyze you and not to let the unknown control your choices. To combat the fear - you need facts (or at least to know what you could reasonably expect if it comes down to D.) Your WH is likely going to spazz out - losing his family and OW at the same time. You need to protect yourself, because his behavior will likely continue to shock you. Brace yourself and know this - A's aren't about the BS, not about something they did or didn't do. A's are about the sense of entitlement of the WS - period. Whatever he says about the marriage, remember - you were in the same M and you didn't cheat!

He has been lying for 2+ years - that is likely to continue, unless and until he truly realizes what he has done. Kicking him out is one step in letting him immediately feel the consequences of his recent decisions. Good.

Now gather all pertinent information taxes, Ira's, pension info, life insurance etc. Secure copies of these out of the house, with a friend.

How much is in the bank (you can reasonably take half). Where ever you are - you want to see an atty. Find out if you can file for Temp. support, what the procedure for S/D is in you state... You can usually do this in a free consult. Get a credit card in your name only - NOW (using the family income and credit).

This is not to say you are going to D. This is a precautionary measure to protect you and your kids, because right now you have no idea what your WH will do...

More hugs (((Mypoorkids))) Whatever happens - it does get better! Just hang in there!

Pippy posted 10/13/2013 13:30 PM

Please read 'hathnofury's post about protecting yourself financially. Make copies of everything financial while the records are still in your house. Hugs.

SkeerdButHopeful posted 10/13/2013 21:43 PM

Hugs to you, MPK.

silentheart posted 10/14/2013 11:25 AM

I'm not married and do not have children so I can't be of much help in those areas but I was betrayed by my BF of 13 years and were were going to be married. The pain is like nothing else. I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I'm so glad that you found this site now bc there is so much great information, articles, suppport, etc. that will help you. I just found this site last week and my DD was in July 2012.

Take care of yourself.

neverdidithink posted 10/14/2013 12:34 PM

(((MPK))) I'm sorry you have the need to join us, but you'll find great advice and comfort here.

Take things one day at a time, one hour of that's what you can manage right now. Get your bearings, post here, take a deep breath and lets us help carry you right now.

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