"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Crzygrl posted 10/13/2013 08:35 AM

I am new here but it seems to be a good support group. I had a ONS about 3 months ago while on a business trip. It was incredibly stupid and selfish and I regret it immensely. I told my BH a couple days after it happened ( completely voluntary) and it has been a crazy roller coaster since. He agrees he wants to stay married and we have many good days but then he crashes and gets very angry or extremely sad. One of the more painful things he tells me is he doesn't know who I am and he doesn't think he can love me the same. He has lashed out and said many mean things but I understand that's more emotion. He tells me I have to make him love me again, so I have been writing him lots of notes and planning date nights and we talk a lot late at night. His love languages are quality time and physical touch. We have a 2.5 yr old so we have to work around his schedule but I feel we have done a good job of having alone time. I am just looking for ideas on what else I can do to fill him up with love and what else I can say to convince him I am the same girl he loved before. It's been a struggle to accept that I could hurt him so carelessly and I am trying to work thru that too. We have not done counseling and bs is not interested though I am contemplating going to IC. Also, I try to stay calm when his emotions run high, but sometimes I want to scream too. I take responsibilty for my actions and part of what led me there was just plain complacency in our marriage and my failure to speak my opinion , so I don't know how to balance expressing my emotions regarding his outbursts with being sensitive to what he is going thru. I really screwed up and this all just sucks. I want so bad to take it all back.

authenticnow posted 10/13/2013 08:48 AM

Hi Crzygrl, welcome to SI!

Good job on telling your BH. I didn't, I had to get caught because I was not brave enough to end my As myself or come clean on my own.

I understand your frustration. I wasn't happy and I was angry at my H in my M, so I cheated. That was a terrible reason. I didn't go to him, we had both become complacent but it was like we were in two different marriages. He really didn't know how I was feeling.

Anyway, back to you ...your M issues and your ONS are two different things. You chose to cheat. Why? What allowed you to give yourself permission to do this? (You don't have to answer me, just food for thought)

I definitely think you need IC.

what else I can say to convince him I am the same girl he loved before.

You're really not the same girl he loved before, but that's okay. Life is fluid, we are fluid, changes in us happen. The key is getting to the root of it.

You have a lot of digging to do.

To answer your questions...you are allowed to express your emotions (you should, not doing that is what led you here!), but you also have to remember how deep and devastating your BH's pain is. You'll need to communicate well, have 100% transparency with him, and not get annoyed or impatient when he asks questions or is having a terrible day.

This is a lot...a lot for you to process, and you are at the beginning of your journey. Keep posting. I know you will find the support that you need here.

breakingpoint posted 10/13/2013 19:10 PM

I agree, definitely go to IC. One thing that could help if you could do a lot of soul searching and provide him with a "why" that focuses only on your part in what led the situation. Follow up by sharing the steps you are taking to grow from those reasons and to change for the better. IC is the best place to get these answers. Good Luck!

cluless posted 10/13/2013 19:17 PM

I commend all the WS out there that comes clean with their BS's. Mine NEVER did, I had to get information from other people. It makes all the difference in the world. Even when confronted with the truth, WH would lie to my face. Swear on anything.

Now when most of the A has come out, 1-1/2 years of lies, doesn't leave a lot to live with. I can't undue the past, and I get the anger roller-coaster ride. It's something your BS can't control.

I hear time will make the pain less, just always be patient, LISTEN to them and LOVE them.

BaxtersBFF posted 10/15/2013 08:58 AM

What made you not express your opinions or feelings prior to your ONS?

Also, was the ONS with someone you knew? Or was it anonymous?

Crzygrl posted 10/15/2013 13:47 PM

I have explored the why very much and we have talked a lot about it. I know I have some insecurities and I wasn't feeling loved- all I heard were criticisms and I felt unappreciated. In my head I knew he loved me but I didn't feel it yet I thought I was wrong to not feel it, so I ignored it. My BH can be critical and I am sensitive to it, and I often felt like I was the wrong one and any argument led to me being wrong anyway. I think I tended to be over accommodating and knew my hubs was busy with work and stressed about it, so I would try to be strong and handle more than I could - I work 50 hr weeks (w/commute) and handle most of the kid and house work. I had a lot of guilt about not being a good enough anything (mom, employee, et ) and felt like I was failing in most ways. When I would try to talk to BH I felt ignored or like I was blowing things out of proportion. I often felt like he didn't really see who I was and that he took me for granted. I like to keep the peace so it's easier for me to avoid conflict than face it. Obviously I see where that led me. We have talked a lot about this and he agrees with some of it, reminds me it's ok for us to disagree and he needs me to be honest. I think I often felt slightly not up to his standards. He tells me now he had me on a pedestal but I never felt that way.

The ap was someone I knew but not well. There was a lot of alcohol involved. I wasn't seeking out anything but it led there and I chose to do it. Certainly not a decision I would make sober, though I am not blaming alcohol. I know there were issues I wasn't dealing with and hearing someone else tell me I was beautiful and look at me like I was worthwhile made me feel really good.

We have many good days, and I try to think of new ways to help the situation. This includes being honest about things that frustrate me, though I am delicate about it since right now is more about him than me. I know he truly loves me, and I have faith most of the time that we will be ok. I just don't want to start slacking and lose ground, but it can be so exhausting.