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Nutty1 posted 10/13/2013 10:08 AM

I will try & keep it short & simple. I was 7 months pregnant when my ws started chatting to my best friend on fb. They were always very flirty with each other & I asked them to stop several times! I am a stay at home mum who did everything for her family & although they were flirty I did not object when best friend asked husband to help her move house etc. our beautiful baby was stillborn on his due date a few weeks ago, it was a huge shock to us both & I readily admit I didn't cope with it at all. I became very withdrawn from the family & could hardly breath let alone speak to anyone.
The post mortem results were inconclusive & we had no answers as to why he had died. On the day of his funeral I found some text messages from best friend offering husband sex anytime he wanted it! I couldn't believe what I was seeing & confronted him immediately, he just laughed it off & when I spoke to others they just said I was imaginaging it. My husband totally withdrew into his shell & refused to talk to me, started coming in late & making snippy comments to me all the time. He stayed at his sisters on the Saturday night & on the Sunday returned home, we had a lovely evening with our kids & I felt everything was going to b ok. On Monday I sent him a message telling him I loved him & he sent one back saying he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. A few text messages back & forth later like what does that mean, I asked him to leave for few days. I packed him some stuff for few days & took kids out whilst he picked it up.
He came home to talk Thursday, Friday & sat night & we talked, made love & he said he was staying. On Sunday he said he needed to tell me something & over the phone told me he'd slept with best friend on the Monday when I asked him to leave for few days. He was supposed to come home that night but went to her house instead. I threw all his stuff in front garden & told him to come & get it. I was in total & utter shock, this was the man who said would never leave us. He moved into her house that night! That's 3 weeks ago tomorrow.
He's adamant he doesn't love me anymore & he blames me for the baby's death. I am left heartbroken, looking after 2 kids, no money & no job through sickness plus I just had a baby that died 9 weeks ago! I don't no which way my head is on at the moment, just feel like he's run away from everything & left me to it. I don't even recognise him as the man I married anymore. We have been together for 6 years & now it seems we are nothing but an inconvenience to his new life. I need help, any advice. I know this post is a bit rambling & I'm sorry, this is all just a bit much for me right now!

SerJR posted 10/13/2013 10:22 AM

Welcome here, little sister...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please make sure you browse through the Healing Library - there is a wealth of knowledge that will help you with your recovery.

Please do not own his choices.
You did not push him away.
You are not responsible for your baby's passing.
You did not cause the affair.
WS's love to throw up so much smoke and fog to confuse the issues at hand and place the blame onto everything else except themselves, because deep down they despise themselves. They will pick fights, blame, minimise, and anything else they can do to paint you as the villain to escape looking within themselves, because they are afraid of what they may find.
He is running from reality because of this. He has constructed a fantasy version of himself because of this.
He owns his choices.

The first thing that you need to do is to learn how to take care of yourself. Consult a doctor or counselor to ensure that you have professional support. Consult a lawyer to find out what your rights are. Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library and understand what it means to rebuild yourself and move forward with your life.

At the same time, I can empathise with your desire to make your marriage work. What you need to do is to reach out to your WH with one hand, and assert your rights and protect your boundaries with the other. Let him know that you would prefer to make your marriage work, but that you will move forward with your life regardless. Remember also that you have rights in a relationship - be prepared to stand up against behaviour you will not tolerate and make it clear. Think about what your needs are and do not settle for passively enduring mistreatment.
You have worth.
You have value.
Stay true to yourself.
Believe in yourself.

You're gonna be okay.


Truly posted 10/13/2013 12:35 PM

Oh my goodness. I don't know what to say. I read your post and had to log in to reply so that you know there are people listening.
You just received some great advice from -ser ...please take care of yourself.

You are surviving the worst things that could happen to a person. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby ((((((Nutty))))))
I am sorry that your H isn't the man you thought he was and need right now.

You are brave and strong, hold your children tight and breathe.
Love and hugs to you and yours,

Truly x

Nutty1 posted 10/13/2013 12:45 PM

Thanks for your kind words.

I just feel so robotic about everything. Husband is just getting nastier by the day, I've got counselling & meds sorted, going to see a lawyer on Friday to see what my rights are regarding access to kids & maintenance etc. I'm just so shocked that all this has happened in such a short space of time. The baby was born 9 weeks ago & he left 3 weeks ago. I'm trying to do what's best for my kids but feel like I'm letting everyone down all the time.
I'm trying the 180 but he still calls to speak to the kids, he wants to see them but take them to ow house & over my dead body will that happen! I don't know what I'm doing, how could I have lost everything so quickly???

SerJR posted 10/13/2013 13:35 PM

Judge yourself by your standards alone. He does not determine who you are. That is your right and yours alone.

It's normal to feel robotic. Right now you are conflicted between heart and mind, and this emotional plateau is a way to protect yourself as you take tiny steps forward and are ready to open yourself up to your life again.

With regards to the children, it can be difficult to separate yourself from this, but you need to think about their needs. I do agree that they should be able to speak with and see their father, provided it does not hurt or confuse them emotionally. However, him forcing the OW on them (as a way to legitimise his affair) is a big no, no, no, no, no. Children need stability and they need a healthy role model. Invitation into the affair insanity goes against everything about that. What you can do though, is show them what a functional, responsible person with integrity does. Show them that yes, sometimes change happens and sometimes it hurts. But show them that you are an empowered individual who is able to stick to her convictions, that respects herself, and that you will navigate through this change to a brighter and healthier future.

It isn't easy.
But that doesn't mean it can't be done.
You are not letting everyone down.
You are finding out who you truly are. Sometimes you have to be good and lost to find that which can't be found. When everything has been taken away, all that is left is the core of who you are.
Honour that person.

Nutty1 posted 10/13/2013 13:46 PM

I want him to see how much hurt & suffering we as a family feel but he seems totally oblivious to it. We have been left mourning a baby instead of welcoming him into our family & he's just run away from it all & left me picking up the pieces. Our youngest doesn't understand what's going on & the oldest (not his) has lost the man he looked up to & treated as a dad. I no he has gone & is living with someone else, no doubt enjoying his wonderful new life but I'm just left here worrying about the future. Does he even give a toss what he's done?

SerJR posted 10/13/2013 14:08 PM

I sincerely doubt that his new life is honestly wonderful. It has been built upon lies, selfishness, and emotional manipulation. Hardly a sturdy foundation. It contains no more structural integrity than a sandcastle on the beach. And there is nothing more in life that the tides of reality enjoy than eating fools and their sandcastles for breakfast. He can run from reality, but it has a nasty way of catching up. One can never run away from their self.

I know you hurt.
I know you want him to know you hurt.
I say, though, that you show him you are the one who will live a wonderful life.
Don't prove his ego right that he was all that and a bag of chips.
You deserve better than to be used and disregarded.
You deserve truth and respect.
You will do better, one way or another.

[This message edited by SerJR at 2:08 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

foolsuchasi posted 10/13/2013 14:24 PM

Hang in there, things will get better. I'm sorry your going through this

Girlietoo posted 10/13/2013 16:22 PM

Well I truly thought I've already heard/thought of the most horrific behaviour by a WS. Boy was I wrong, your husband takes the cake for repugnant behaviour. Your friend isn't much better, if at all.

I am so sorry this has happened to you, both the loss of your precious baby and the actions of your husband. The fact that you are still putting one foot in front of the other, even if robotic, tells me you are one hell of a strong woman. I am in awe of your strength.

doggiediva posted 10/13/2013 16:22 PM

My heart goes out to you.
I can't imagine losing a baby to stillbirth, let alone having the rest of my life implode on me shortly thereafter..
None of this was under your control none of this was your fault..
I echo the advice of SerJR and others..
Please take care of yourself, strengthen yourself in every way that you know how..

Think very carefully about if you ever want to R with your WH..Is R really what you want? He abandoned you mind, body and soul when the chips were down..

Truly posted 10/13/2013 16:38 PM

I'm sorry, I had to come back and read again. Your situation has been revolving in my head.

I am so ANGRY on your behalf.

That total ASSHAT. Blimey, you have to dig a hole to get that low!

I don't believe that he has any idea what he has done to you and the children because his head is so far up his arse he can't see daylight.

Your 'friend' should be thoroughly ashamed of herself and your children need to be kept away from someone so clearly toxic at this time. Have you a family member's house where he could see the children, somewhere where they would feel safe and secure and you don't have to see him.

Your strength and faith in yourself shines out of you. Talk about grace under pressure.
One day at a time, one minute at a time, one breath at a time.

One foot in front of the other, so the journey begins.

gonnabe2016 posted 10/13/2013 18:03 PM


I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your baby. So, so sorry.

As for your WH.....well, good riddance to bad rubbish.

just feel like he's run away from everything & left me to it.

He has. That is exactly what he has done. But you'll be okay, Nutty. You'll get through this.

The only *good* that I can see in the situation is that he confessed and is being open about what he is doing. At least he isn't trying to pull any *cake-eating* crap on you.

You have done nothing to deserve ANY of this. Nothing. Unfortunately, you have to *deal* with it. I'm glad to hear that you have an appt with a L set up. Keep your contact with WH to a minimum. And I just have to say....your *friend* is a POS.

There is a thread down in the I Can Relate forum for people that are dealing with *double betrayal* -- which describes your situation. It might be helpful for you.

Take care of you and consider taking advantage of whatever type of *grief* programs are offered to you by the hospital or funeral home.

I'm so sorry.....

Whatdoido333 posted 10/13/2013 18:21 PM

I really can't give you any advice, just want to say I am so sorry about your loss. Take 1 minute at a time, 1 hour, 1 day..
You did nothing to deserve this.....take care of yourself an kids and post often

Nutty1 posted 10/14/2013 20:06 PM

Just feel really crap tbh, saw counsellor today & she told me to try & separate baby's death & him leaving because the two are so entwined in my mind. I no there's no going back now but when I told him yesterday that I want a divorce ASAP he sent me a message saying that he will divorce me when he is ready! For gods sake he's posted it all over Facebook he's in a relationship with ow & he lives with her now since I threw him out! I've really had enough of all the bs & want to move on. There's no chance of R because he lives with her & not us!

SerJR posted 10/14/2013 20:18 PM

I want a divorce ASAP he sent me a message saying that he will divorce me when he is ready!

He has played his hand here. What he is saying is that he still needs something from you. Unremorseful WS's that leave for the OP are often unwilling to let go of their BS. They still want the security from you, do not wish to face the consequences, and also have a need for you to fill their negative emotional needs. By this, I mean they are addicted to engaging you and pulling your heart strings and trying to push you down emotionally to feel better about themselves.

I would never advise someone to call it quits on their marriage, and at the same time I would never advise someone to stay in a situation in which they are being hurt. This is your decision. And it is one that you must be at peace with and know that you will be at peace with down the road. It is your decision if you wish to divorce and you are ready for that. He has NO right to tell you when you are ready to leave. That is emotional browbeating at it's lowest. He can try and play his game to delay it, but your lawyer should be able to help with that. In the meantime, please keep up with the 180 to disengage from the insanity.

Nutty1 posted 10/14/2013 20:29 PM

I just want nothing to do with him anymore I can't even bear the kids talking to him so I turn my phone off so we can all take a break from the drama he loves to create! I don't want my kids to suffer from him living in this fantasy world of his!

summerain posted 10/16/2013 02:44 AM

My god.
I hope you will be provided with some great advice from your lawyer. Filing for divorce ASAP will be a priority so that you can start filing for support. Some people will come on *hopefully* that are from the D/s forum to help you out.

I have my own thoughts but this situation is so delicate that I don't want to make uninformed suggestions. I believe that it is fantastic you have sought out counselling and even better youve turned off the phone for a bit.

Do you truly want him back?

UKgirl posted 10/16/2013 02:59 AM

Sweetie, are you from Kent UK?

sending hugs


Laura28 posted 10/16/2013 03:02 AM

Hi honey

Listen to the great advice you are getting here.

SerJR is a true veteran and is giving you wonderful advice. Please heed it.

When I read your story my eyes filled with tears and I know there are many others on here who would have reacted the same.

Please keep coming back here. The people on here will help you. No one knows what it is like unless they have been through it.

I am so glad you found this site.

Big HUGS honey


Nutty1 posted 10/16/2013 06:10 AM

Thanks once again for the advice!

Have been reading lots of other threads on here & I'm glad to know I'm not so alone! I am from Kent in the uk. I'm letting him talk to the little one now but he's really not that bothered about talking to his dad.

I have spoken to a friend today who said that many people are disgusted by his behaviour & want nothing to do with either of them again, that gives me a small amount of comfort in knowing that only a few people condone their behaviour. Cannot wait until I can get some proper advice from lawyer. The only way forward now I think is D, I don't honestly think there can be anyway back from this!

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