And I found myself having not just an epiphany, but a vital one, right in the middle of it all.
Way back in 1991 there was a guy in my life, we'll call him "tony". Went to school together from 4th grade on. I totally was head over heels for this dude. He joined the Navy and was sent to Diego Garcia for a year. The plan was we would write, send mix tapes, etc and when he returned we were going to see how the relationship progressed. And I called his house about a week before he was supposed to be back and asked his mom when Tony was scheduled to come in so I could see him. And she says “oh, sweetie, he’s been back for five days, and he brought someone home with him. He obviously didn’t tell you, I’m so sorry.”
Okay, so I gave my heart to someone, he brought someone else into the picture, and when the time came to make a choice, he chose her.
I sucked it up and moved on.
In 2001 my marriage had just ended, and I violated one of my basic rules and got involved with a guy at work. We’ll call him “Mike”. Same scenario happened again essentially. I had to find out from another co-worker that he’d moved some chick in with him and was getting ready to propose.
I think I see a pattern here…
So then I go through the exact same scenario AGAIN with H. He gets given my heart, then he brings someone else into the picture, and when the time came to make a choice, he chose… me. Wait. What? Me? That’s not how it works. I get screwed around on, then dumped. That’s the pattern. He’s not following pattern. And he’s remorseful? That’s not how it’s supposed to go either. He’s staying AND he’s owning his mistakes AND he’s busting his ass to fix it? That’s not usual, not the way it goes at all.
And I realized – I never processed all the anger, and the hurt, and the rage, from the two jackasses before. I held on to all that, stuffed it way, way down, and when H didn’t cut and run like I expected him to, I started raining down on him not just for his actions, but for Mike’s and Tony’s too. And that explains why through this whole thing I’ve had zero expectation of him remaining faithful – because I’ve been conditioned from past experience that a man remaining faithful doesn’t happen, at least for me. They break your heart and then they leave, they choose the other woman.
H broke my heart. But he refuses to leave. He refuses to give up on us. He just flat refuses to. That’s amazing to me. I’ve never been the one chosen before.
We have a joint MC session scheduled on Thursday now. At his request. The first joint one since six months after D-Day, and the first one ever that HE has pressed to schedule.
Updated to add: Don't get me wrong, he still should never have brought someone else into the picture. He's not off the hook for that. I'm just saying that I need to not throw every single hurt I've ever felt at him, he's not responsible for them all.
[This message edited by Wannaworkthruit at 11:56 AM, October 14th (Monday)]
Divorce final 2/10/14.
Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.
So much is lumped into. Don't live in the past. The truth is the past influences our responses.
Just remember you deserve to be chosen.
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!
To which I have remained silent. Here's the thing. My core feelings that I talked about in my thread titled Clarity really haven't changed. Do I love him? Yes. In love with him? NO. Trust him? HELL NO. Gut still saying move on? YES.
I just get the feeling that he's of the opinion that because we got through last weekend's big talk still wearing our wedding bands that it's all good now. It's not. Add on top of everything the added stress and uncertainty of his health situation, and you get one stressed out burned out Wanna.
Tonight ought to be interesting.....
BTW - Heartache - LOVE your tag line!!
