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PhoenixRising88 posted 10/13/2013 10:43 AM

Okay so I initiated 'the talk' Friday night. It did not go as I planned. I thought he'd be all 'fine, take whatever you want'. Total opposite occurred.

And I found myself having not just an epiphany, but a vital one, right in the middle of it all.

Way back in 1991 there was a guy in my life, we'll call him "tony". Went to school together from 4th grade on. I totally was head over heels for this dude. He joined the Navy and was sent to Diego Garcia for a year. The plan was we would write, send mix tapes, etc and when he returned we were going to see how the relationship progressed. And I called his house about a week before he was supposed to be back and asked his mom when Tony was scheduled to come in so I could see him. And she says “oh, sweetie, he’s been back for five days, and he brought someone home with him. He obviously didn’t tell you, I’m so sorry.”

Okay, so I gave my heart to someone, he brought someone else into the picture, and when the time came to make a choice, he chose her.

I sucked it up and moved on.

In 2001 my marriage had just ended, and I violated one of my basic rules and got involved with a guy at work. We’ll call him “Mike”. Same scenario happened again essentially. I had to find out from another co-worker that he’d moved some chick in with him and was getting ready to propose.

Okay, so I gave my heart to someone, he brought someone else into the picture, and when the time came to make a choice, he chose her.

I think I see a pattern here…

So then I go through the exact same scenario AGAIN with H. He gets given my heart, then he brings someone else into the picture, and when the time came to make a choice, he chose… me. Wait. What? Me? That’s not how it works. I get screwed around on, then dumped. That’s the pattern. He’s not following pattern. And he’s remorseful? That’s not how it’s supposed to go either. He’s staying AND he’s owning his mistakes AND he’s busting his ass to fix it? That’s not usual, not the way it goes at all.

And I realized – I never processed all the anger, and the hurt, and the rage, from the two jackasses before. I held on to all that, stuffed it way, way down, and when H didn’t cut and run like I expected him to, I started raining down on him not just for his actions, but for Mike’s and Tony’s too. And that explains why through this whole thing I’ve had zero expectation of him remaining faithful – because I’ve been conditioned from past experience that a man remaining faithful doesn’t happen, at least for me. They break your heart and then they leave, they choose the other woman.

H broke my heart. But he refuses to leave. He refuses to give up on us. He just flat refuses to. That’s amazing to me. I’ve never been the one chosen before.

We have a joint MC session scheduled on Thursday now. At his request. The first joint one since six months after D-Day, and the first one ever that HE has pressed to schedule.

Updated to add: Don't get me wrong, he still should never have brought someone else into the picture. He's not off the hook for that. I'm just saying that I need to not throw every single hurt I've ever felt at him, he's not responsible for them all.

[This message edited by Wannaworkthruit at 11:56 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

Gr8Lady posted 10/13/2013 11:27 AM

That revelation is huge. I sincerely hope the MC joint session can guide and direct the session in a productive way.

So much is lumped into. Don't live in the past. The truth is the past influences our responses.

Just remember you deserve to be chosen.

jjsr posted 10/13/2013 13:39 PM

you made a huge step

learningtofeel posted 10/13/2013 13:46 PM

Wow - BIG props to you for that epiphany. I am guessing it might be hard to let yourself be the chosen one after being so used to not, but I hope you can. You deserve to be the chosen one! Sending good vibes your way.

fourever posted 10/13/2013 20:01 PM

You made me smile. Atta Girl!! Very happy and hopeful for you.

PhoenixRising88 posted 10/17/2013 17:58 PM

So we have the joint MC session tonight that H asked for... Leading up he's said things like "I'm looking forward to it, this will help us move forward and not repeat last weekend's drama".

To which I have remained silent. Here's the thing. My core feelings that I talked about in my thread titled Clarity really haven't changed. Do I love him? Yes. In love with him? NO. Trust him? HELL NO. Gut still saying move on? YES.

I just get the feeling that he's of the opinion that because we got through last weekend's big talk still wearing our wedding bands that it's all good now. It's not. Add on top of everything the added stress and uncertainty of his health situation, and you get one stressed out burned out Wanna.

Tonight ought to be interesting.....

Jrazz posted 10/17/2013 18:01 PM

I hope tonight goes well.

heartache101 posted 10/17/2013 18:05 PM

Wannawork I hope you get great results.
Honey I always say it is easier for the WS to run. Kuddos to all that stay and tough out those storms with their BS.

PhoenixRising88 posted 10/17/2013 18:06 PM

Thanks to all, I'll keep you posted..

BTW - Heartache - LOVE your tag line!!