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Getting past the cruel things he said...

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PhantomLimb posted 10/13/2013 11:25 AM

We're in S/D and have been NC for almost 6 mos. I've been moving forward in every way that I know how (save dating-- that will be a long way off! I'm giving myself all the time I need there).

It's taken awhile, but I'm finally at a point where thoughts of him and crying, etc only tend to happen on weekends when I have a breather from work. Or if my defenses are down (lack or sleep, sick). And, in general, I've come to accept the situation and let go. Even my IC says that I'm progressing really fast for someone in my situation. I no longer try to figure him out. I no longer wonder what he's up to. Basically I just try to lean into the pain when it comes, feel it, accept it. Rationally I'm also in a place where R is not even remotely possible. Frankly, if it's up to me, we will NC for good once everything is tied off.

However, one thing that I still struggle with is the cruel things he said during our DDay conversations. Sometimes, when I've "tapped into" my anger, I'm able to flip his statements on their head and think of the things I would say now in response. So, for example, at one point he told me that I had "lost" him "before I even met her." Today, I would tell him that, actually, he isn't a loss.

But that kind of thing isn't really helpful for dealing with the pain that comes from having to resolve for yourself that someone you loved very much, and who was always kind to you, went off their rocker and treated you like dirt on their way out the door. And who now treats you like you don't even exist.

How do you deal with flashes of the cruel statements? Sometimes I feel like it causes me a mini existential crisis to have experienced first hand how horrible people can be to one another...

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 11:25 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]

84CF posted 10/13/2013 11:28 AM

I don't have any answers, but I wanted to say that I'm dealing with exactly this as well, and would be interested in finding help. My IC is nice, but has nothing terribly insightful to say on the matter.

Gods, it hurts. Hang in there, PhantomLimb.

rachelc posted 10/13/2013 11:33 AM

Omg, I'm driving my car thinking about this same thing and then I see it posted, and I'm reconciling!
How do I get past the, "well I had to spend time with her because it was a new relationship and I was just getting to know her" - while fucking married to me!!
Awaiting responses too....

SerJR posted 10/13/2013 11:35 AM

Put your value in what you do, not in what someone who is hurtful and manipulative tells you you are. Do not live your life for him.
To avoid looking at himself, he must make you the guilty party in all of this. He must try to tear you down to feel better about himself.
The question is... if you truly have no value... then why must he work so hard to take it away?
And as for what he has taken away from you... well... take it back and live your life for you.

SpiderGrl posted 10/13/2013 11:39 AM

My own wh said some truly awful things to me on dday and for a couple weeks after and he has some regrets towards those things and honestly says he doesn't know why he said them. Well, I know why he said them. He said them to hurt me in much the same manner a young child says things when they are mad at consequences. I try to compare it to the "you're not my best friend anymore" and "mommy, I hate you" comments made when kids get in trouble. He was lashing out and projecting his guilt onto you because that is what most caught people do.

I am truly sorry it is still eating at you. The words my h said to me are still painful and demoralizing and he has since apologized and tried his hardest to let me know he'll regret it always. It doesn't help much. :/

Rainbows posted 10/13/2013 11:48 AM

I do the same thing and often about conversations we've had that keep me stewing.

When the anger is so bad or I can't let it go, my friend who is a therapist has me do this weird exercise that actually works. It's called gestalt (I think).

When you're alone at home put two chairs facing each other. Reenact the conversation being him and you. Physically move between the chairs when you switch roles.

Play his role genuinely and then allow yourself to respond spontaneously.

It's amazing what comes up. It really releases a lot of the angst for me (sometimes I yell at the poor chair) and is a helpful tool for healing conversations I can't change.

PhantomLimb posted 10/13/2013 11:50 AM

I really don't feel like I'm still living for him, not taking care of myself or hung up on him in any major way. I mean, it would be silly for me to say I'm totally past everything-- I'm not saying that-- but I don't think there is anything else I should be doing to "move on."

So it really just becomes a matter of contending with the emotional damage. Thinking about how he may have just been lashing out helps a bit-- although I really am not interested in trying to figure him out anymore.

Maybe it would make sense to compare it to a physical injury. I could break a bone, put a cast on it and let it heal. Even after the cast is off, I might still have pain from that injury, say, when it rains. It doesn't mean there is anything that I need to be actively doing to "fix" that for myself.

I don't know. Maybe I just answered my own question. There is nothing you can do but suffer from it.

That would suck. Add it to the list of wonderful things he's left behind for me to deal with for the rest of my life...

damncutekitty posted 10/13/2013 11:54 AM

For me it took therapy.

I actually had a couple of EMDR sessions specifically devoted to working through some of my XH's more cruel statements. I have had lifelong issues with accepting love. (I was convinced as a child that my own parents didn't love me) So when my XH told me that I was impossible to love, it REALLY stuck with me.

The upside is that if you take the time to work through it (as opposed to letting it haunt and victimize you) you will be a stronger person for it.

gonnabe2016 posted 10/13/2013 12:02 PM

Honestly, whenever I *hear* a 'remembered statement' makes me think "God. What a dick."

ladies_first posted 10/13/2013 13:07 PM

I don't think there is anything else I should be doing to "move on."

Have you filed D papers?

PhantomLimb posted 10/13/2013 18:23 PM

Can't afford it yet. Have a L, but I will need to go after him for some loans.

Frankly, everything has been separated. We live on different coasts. It really isn't something that occupies much space in my mind at this point. It's a formality.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 6:25 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

Whalers11 posted 10/13/2013 20:19 PM

I don't think I will ever get over some of the cruel things he said. You can't unring a bell.

PhantomLimb posted 10/13/2013 20:49 PM

Ugh. Why can't we just put these people in a rocket and shoot them into space?

Ostrich80 posted 10/14/2013 01:56 AM

My ws was extremely cruel with remarks before DD. I still can't decipher if that's how he really feels. I know I don't say things unless I've been thinking it. Do they JUST mean it at the time, did they not mean it at all, or is it what they really feel. Who knows? I sure don't but those words felt like a kick in the stomach.

wannarun posted 10/14/2013 14:44 PM

It's been over two years and he still says mean things from time to time!! It's heartwrenching and has torn me to the ground. I just can't keep it from replaying in my head and killing my self esteem

dindy posted 10/14/2013 16:42 PM

All I can think of is that he said these cruel things as a way of justifying his actions.

I am in a similar place to where you are now.

I no longer wonder what he is doing and when sadness does hit me it is fleeting and not all encompassing like it used to be. I deal with it and move on. I'm doing a lot of positive stuff to make good changes for me and my children.

But every now and then some of the cruel things he said to me comes back to haunt me. It's definitely the hardest thing to let go of.

I just remind myself of how far I have come in 8.5 months since DDay and it helps me to get a better picture of where I am at emotionally and mentally.

I'm hoping that in time these lies will fade like the memories of who we thought our xWS' were.

It sounds like you're doing a great job.

Hang in there, you are very worth it! :)

PhantomLimb posted 10/14/2013 16:49 PM

You, too!

I was just reading another post in S/D where StrongButBroken said re: her ex:

They can think whatever the fuck they like. In times past I told the sad clown "What you think of me matters less to me than you might imagine". It was as true then as it is now.

A girlfriend called this afternoon to check in and we basically talked about the same thing.

I'll admit that sometimes the possibility that he actually believes some of the horrible stuff he said to me does bother me. It's probably at the root of why his cruel words still sting.

Maybe if we can all get to a place where they have lost so much respect in our eyes that their opinion no longer matters, it won't hurt anymore.

I think I'm getting there!

Some days, anyway. :)

Chicky posted 10/14/2013 17:25 PM

Time and space will help. Although we are reconciled and very, very happy now, I still remember vividly some of the cruel things said to my face and behind my back TO her.

His head was so far up his ass at one point that when I asked him (in tears mind you) why he never even bothered to apologize to me for the all the hurt he had caused, his response was, "Why should I apologize for something when I'm not sorry I did it?" I perfected the 180 after that.

Focus on YOU and how fabulous your life is going to be when he is no longer in it. Continue to work with your IC. Most important, forget about him and his nastiness - love and cherish YOU.

PhantomLimb posted 10/14/2013 17:30 PM

I got a version of that. He said "This is going to be hard to hear-- but I don't think that I'm sorry."

It still hurts to type that out.

To me, that is one of the worst things they can possibly say. I get ILYB. I fell out of love with him loads of times over a decade and then found that love for him again. That's the nature of a M.

But to see your spouse in agony, crushed, confused, heartbroken, alone... and to say you're not sorry for causing all of that?


On one hand, sure, that really pisses me off. Who does he think he is?

On the other hand, just amazingly cruel. Horrifying.

crazyblindsided posted 10/14/2013 18:38 PM

Not only will I never unhear my WH's cruel words, but I will never unhear MOW's either.

They both let loose on me.

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