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First post.. need something, though I'm not sure what

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SadScientist posted 10/13/2013 13:07 PM

I've been lurking for about 6 months, but finally decided to register and post.

Condensed version: I cheated, he found out. DD#1 slight admission then TT. DD#2 more admission then TT. DD#3 full admission. This was 3 months ago. He initially agreed to R, but a month ago, he filed for divorce. I found out 2 weeks ago, and he is moving into another house as I type. These past two weeks have been hell. He has been more affectionate and loving than he was the entire 6 years of marriage combined. We would be intimate (always initiated by him), then afterward, he would discuss details of how the divorce/separation were to go. This even happened this morning before he left to move furniture into his new home.
I know I'm truly pathetic for allowing this to happen, but I still love him, and DO NOT want to divorce. I wasn't taking it as a sign that he was going to call off the divorce. I just needed something normal to hold onto while everything else was spinning out of control. I'm pretty sure (though not entirely certain) that this will continue to happen even after he has completely moved out.
Have any other WS had this happened? How did you handle it?

authenticnow posted 10/13/2013 13:21 PM

Hi SadScientist,

I had a response typed out to you but I don't think it was very good feedback so I erased it.

I do want to welcome you to SI. I'm glad you decided to register and start posting.

Hopefully someone else will come along with something helpful.


SadScientist posted 10/13/2013 13:30 PM

Thank you for the welcome.

Deeply Scared posted 10/13/2013 13:59 PM


That didn't happen to me, however, you have every right to establish boundaries. Just because you're the WS doesn't mean you can't have boundaries in place that also protect you and your feelings.

I'm sure you do love him...but don't let him use you just for sex. If he's moving on and into a new house, then let him and work on yourself. Become a better person for *you*

SadScientist posted 10/13/2013 16:04 PM

Deeply Scared,
Thank you. I needed to hear that. I keep forgetting that this is no longer my marriage. This is the END of my marriage. It just sucks because sex was the only thing we were good at together

Darkness Falls posted 10/13/2013 16:59 PM

My XH and I were intimate frequently in the weeks between D-day (when he told me he wanted a divorce) and when I moved out & we filed.

I thought it was OK at the time (I did not want the divorce). In retrospect, it was not a good idea.

But, you need to do what is right for you. Just remember that even though you were the one who cheated, you still have every right to establish boundaries with your STBX.

breakingpoint posted 10/13/2013 18:55 PM

I don't have words of wisdom, but we are still having sex as well. We are separated and we are "working on ourselves" and trying to R. But getting back together is not certain. At times I feel a little used as well. You aren't alone!

Alyssamd24 posted 10/13/2013 19:13 PM

Hi SS,
My BH and I were separated for 9 months after D Day. We would try to spend time together so we could talk and fix things and had sex on more than one occasion. He would be loving and affectionate until we had sex, but then once it was done would send me back to my parents house.

This happened on more than one occasion until I put a stop to it cuz I wasn't comfortable with it. It was nice to feel normal for a while, but I did feel like I was being used in a way. I told him that we couldn't continue that way and we had bigger things to deal with than sex. So for a while I would still go over and spend time with him, but wouldn't do anything sexual.

I have been back home with him for two months and things seem to be better....we still have sex but I am the one who usually initiates it.

I don't know if this will help but just wanted to share my story.

I agree with the others who have said you can still set boundaries although you are the WS.....and for now, work on yourself before anything else.

SadScientist posted 10/14/2013 02:26 AM

Thank you everyone who took time to respond.
The word "used" came up more than once, and that's exactly how I'm feeling. I know that what I'm feeling is nothing compared to what my actions has caused him to feel. But it's almost like he is going to make me suffer until the second he walks out of that door for good.

I did, however, tell him that tonight needs to be the last night that he stays here.

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