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I seem to be in a unique situation for SI. My STBXH and I actually get along well despite his A and SA diagnosis. I have told him honestly that I still care for him, but I cannot be married to him. I have to protect myself and the kids from his problems. He agrees.

We've been living apart since Aug 2013. We have a workable visitation schedule in place. I'm not opposed to joint legal custody as long as I have physical custody. We don't really have any assets, and we agree to split our debts 50/50. Our house in going into foreclosure, and we've talked about how to split and dispose of household property. STBXH is willing to pay CS and Maintenance for me up to a total of 45-50% of his net income.

I retained a L and filed on Sep 5th. STBXH has also retained a L, who has filed an appearance, and answer. (I haven't seen it yet).

Our first case management date before the court is Dec 5th. I'd like to have everything ironed out and ready to present to the judge by then. Is this feasible?

My L said something about 'sending us to mediation.' Is there anything wrong with us working out details ahead of time and then having one of the lawyers write it up?

Any advice from the wise sages of SI would be appreciated.

my lawyer actually suggested we try to work it out first to save $$.

Also, I would try to get get it in the divorce papers that there are no overnights with gf. This has saved my sanity as my XWH is with a SA. They see nothing wrong with 3 teenagers sharing a living room on overnights. The SA he is with would do anyone, including my handsome 16 son. - in our state the age of consent is 16 unless it is with a teacher or minister, then it's a crime.

So, good luck to you!

Yes you can come with an agreement already in place.

However, one note of caution, my XSAWH and I have a good relationship the first few months of separation. However, when the divorce became "real" to him he went into his addiction full force, which included exceptional cruelty to me. If he is still active in his addiction, then keep in mind that that is where addicts go in times of stress. Just telling you to be prepared in case he suddenly reverses

My WH and I hammered out the division ourselves and created an excel spreadsheet with notes that we emailed to the attorney. It was all drafted and only needed a little tweaking. This saved us thousands in legal fees and our D will be final within two months of when we sent the document to the attorney. It depends of course on your state laws and the norm in your court system, and even the judge who handles your case. You can PM if you want more info.

My situation was similar to Triples. We were not cordial, but due to his strong feelings of guilt, we drew something up very easily. He didn't even get a lawyer. We gave the lawyer all the details and he drew it up and took it to court. 30 days later, we were divorced.

As long as nothing seems unduly punitive to either party, a judge will easily accept whatever you have agreed upon.

Good luck!

Thanks, this gives me some hope. We're keeping things as amicable as possible for the kids. Part of the reason I'd like things to go fast is that I'm worried it won't last.

I think part of the reason STBXH wants things to go fast is that he has possible sex offender charges hanging over his head. Once he's charged with that, there's no chance in hell he'll get visitation, not to mention joint custody. (We think the cops are currently waiting for him to f/u again so they can show a "pattern of behavior".) The only reason I care is that he can't pay us support if he's in jail, plus it's better for the kids.

Gemini, check on your state laws and you can find out how to speed things up. The court website is usually a wealth of information. Courts prefer to see settlements hammered out between the parties.

In my state we are able to prepare our own paperwork with court provided forms. I did my homework first to know what I would likely get anyway. I chose to be cordial with POS for the sole purpose of speeding the process and getting him to agree to what I want before I knew the winds would change. I got those papers in August, filed, and our final hearing is less than a week away. Since I filed, and got what I wanted, I have gone totally dark on POS (total NC). As expected, now that he is shacked up with OW3 he is trying to change his mind, but it is too late and I just laugh and have not responded to any of his insane tirades. Being cordial and pushing the D through was a strategic move on my part, and worked.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 9:39 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]