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Seeing OW - feeling pi$$ed

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bionicgal posted 10/13/2013 17:47 PM

So, I scrape up all my courage today and decide to go back to church for the 1st time since DDay - -knowing OW will be there.

I have been putting it off, but H and I both felt we needed to try and claim our space there, as it has been a central part of our community and our life where we live. We actually checked the church out before we moved here, and there aren't any other congregations of the type within 100 miles. She is not a super-regular attendee, but is teaching a few Sunday School classes (ha - right?) and will be there for sure a few more weeks.

Anyway, saw OW as expected -- just ignored her and didn't make eye contact, don't know if she looked at us or not. H and I sat close, and he held my hand tight the whole time - stayed by my side. Was happy to be there with me and help reclaim our space and demonstrate where his heart is.

Problem is, I've been pissed all day. Mad before we left - since I woke up -- and mad since we got home. We are doing good work, and my marriage is better than it has been in years, but I am mad as hell that I have to deal with this. So, I should be celebrating a victory with H ("We did this, together. . ") and all I can muster up is feeling bitchy. I hate that this is my life - worrying about running into some frizzy headed $#&@ at church. Sigh.

Any words of wisdom?

Jrazz posted 10/13/2013 17:52 PM

It was a great first step. Of course you were going to trigger and feel badly about this, but hopefully with a little time and space you will be able to check this off as a victory and feel good about it. Just keep approaching things as a team and you can't go wrong.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 5:53 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

bionicgal posted 10/13/2013 18:01 PM

Thanks, jrazz.
I know you are right - I just thought I'd feel a little more "Whoo-hoo!" and victory-lap-ish.

I feel more like Lucy Van Pelt.

Jrazz posted 10/13/2013 18:27 PM

Hey - we all get to be a little Lucy about this. Practice makes perfect. By this time next year you'll be much more Sally.

broken81 posted 10/13/2013 18:55 PM

Sadly its that thing we all hate hearing..."TIME".
As time goes on and the number of times I have run into OW have gone up, my reaction has gone down.

For a first time back I think it went pretty well. You two stuck together, maybe not the major victory but still a victory.

bionicgal posted 10/13/2013 18:59 PM

So it really does happen, broken81? That I'll get somewhat desensitized to seeing her? I guess I sometimes wonder if this is just my life now. . .

Actually, I saw her a few weeks ago (unexpectedly) and wound up shaking in the parking lot. . . (which surprised me.) This did seem way better.

I partly feel bad b/c H is proud of us and keeps trying to be positive and "Go Team!" ish, and I am not feeling it yet.

broken81 posted 10/13/2013 19:09 PM

It really does get better.
For a long time after DDay if I saw her i was in a rage, shaking and wanting to vomit.
The physical effects faded and I was just really bitchy.
Now 20ish months from DDay I'm just annoyed and that only lasts maybe 15 minutes. Before it could ruin days.

It was a big turning point in my reaction to it when i just saw her as pathetic and nothing else.
She even on occassion follows me doesnt totally upset me anymore. I dont fear her and just see how pathetic she is.

It might always cause a reaction but the intensity fades greatly.

She lives down the street and our kids attend the same school so the opportunity to have a run in is high. our kids just started the same school this year. In the beginning of the year i thought seeing her everyday would be too much. two months in i'm pretty over it. She just isnt worth it.

[This message edited by broken81 at 7:14 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

blakesteele posted 10/13/2013 19:14 PM

For almost a year I reacted like a silver back gorilla protecting his family when I was with my family and saw my wife's AP.

Upon my 1 year anti-v I got the courage to walk our girls to school....fully expecting to be challenged, like you were at church, but our paths did not cross. Felt like I was ready to hit one out of the park only to be intentionally walked! You got pitches thrown to didn't hit a home run but you did swing and get on base while your husband cheered you on. Congratulations!

Asked if it gets better?

Just recently we had dinner at a steak house....where they cook right in front of you....wife's AP and his family filled out the other half of the cooking area....I saw them the whole silver back reactions!

Time and intentional practice is the key.

So you didn't hit one out of the are still in the game, got some guys on base, and your husband is in the batters line up. I bet the opposing team (OW) was expecting a no she is more rattled by the days events than you are. After all, it is clear who is on your team and that you both have put serious work into pre-game practices.

It was apparent that my wife's AP and his BS have done little if any practice....guess they have given up trying to hit the ball and are instead hoping to get "intentionally walked" through life.

Here's to you mr and mrs are not content to hope for "walks" have the courage to honor the team you agreed to be a part by stepping up to bat and swinging at life's pitches....some of which would intimidate others, causing them to stay in the dugout.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:57 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 10/13/2013 19:42 PM

Just to let you I had a rough afternoon. So I still struggle too. I get that this was a tough day. But it encouraged me that you and hubby supported each other. You didn't cuss at him for putting you in this position, he didn't get mad or impatient with you for are in the big leagues now and are showing you are worthy to be there.

Keep the faith.

LA44 posted 10/13/2013 20:08 PM

Hi bg! I am glad you reclaimed your place together in church today. As blake said you did well by not cussing him out even though you feel understandably angry that "this is your life now". How many x have I said that out loud?

Your reaction is totally normal. While I held on with head up at the conference last month and we were a united front, don't think for one minute I didn't go back to the hotel and feel angry that I was even dealing w the circumstances - my new 'normal' - or fall asleep asking myslef "what the hell?!"

Broken is right about time being your friend. But yeah. It does hurt ((bg)) and of course it makes you angry. We understand.

fourever posted 10/13/2013 20:20 PM

ReClaiming is very difficult. But, when you finally make it, sometimes after a few tries, it feels really good. Even better when you are doing it together and your fws is your biggest cheerleader.
Hang in. You will get there.

bionicgal posted 10/13/2013 20:24 PM

BS - My H and I have followed your posts about walking your girls to school, and the dinner that night, and he actually brought you up today to show that it can get better!

homewrecked2011 posted 10/13/2013 20:24 PM

I dont' know if I can explain this right, but I look at my XWH as being addicted to OW - like she is a bottle of beer to an alcoholic. So, when I see her, I think, bottle of beer.

I also trigger, but the addiction analogy helps me. It's hard on me when I see her with my XWH and my children at the store, etc. Still trying to work thru that part.

bionicgal posted 10/13/2013 20:24 PM

I appreciate everyone's posts so much.

rachelc posted 10/13/2013 20:39 PM

God, I hope time helps. I have a physical reaction when it happens and this is not fair. I've had enough trauma in my life. no more.

I mean, the betrayal is enough. Why must we have to deal with this as well?

I'm sorry, OP! You are very positive about this. I am negative.. you are so brave to attempt this.

Hugs to you!!

torn2pieces posted 10/13/2013 20:42 PM

i see my husbands ap at school functions and around town. i didn't think it would get better but 18 months later it doesn't shake me as much. i don't enjoy it but can deal. i actually look at her with alot of pitty . she still thinks she's in high school looking for drama...but she never sees that she's the cause of most of it. you reclaim your spot andenjoyknowing that its just pissing

blakesteele posted 10/13/2013 20:54 PM

((((Bionicgal and mr bionicgal)))).

My heart swells upon reading your response to my posts to you. Glad you did not think I was making light of your day and being too positive at the expense of minimizing your struggle.

Peace to you both.

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