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cluless posted 10/13/2013 19:07 PM

As I sit here crying, as I've been for months now, I think to myself... why? Is any one man worth all this pain? What is at the bottom of this betrayal and making ME want to die to escape the pain? It wasn't him, that had so much power over me? What is marriage? It's a piece of paper, that so easily eradicated, what is the point? Is love really worth this? Or is this something else entirely?

Why do we need people to want and love us? If they turn on you, take your marriage vows and completely disregard them, that is his problem not mine. Yet... here I sit crying. I can't keep going like this, is it easier just leaving the marriage? Or does the pain follow you? Is there anything out there that can take it away? Is there anyway to ever trust anyone again? Is life possible after this?

Learning to live again is killing me

SerJR posted 10/13/2013 19:34 PM

Is one hurtful man worth the pain he caused?
But what is worth the pain though is believing in something.
And believing in love is definitely something.
And that is why it hurts so much when all seems lost.
But you don't have to give up what you believe in.
The bad does not make the good things unimportant.
Faith is about making something real enough to change your life for the better. And everything you put into your marriage was real.
It's about making a promise and bravely moving forward. You have to look for the good if you're going to find it.
Of course you hurt. You hurt because love is worth it. And that it a good thing. Because that means you haven't given up. It means that you do still believe in something, even if you can't see it yet. It means that your heart has not closed off entirely. It means that somewhere in your heart, hope exists.
And that is worth more than a boxfull of certainties.
Yes, life is possible after infidelity. We don't always get to chose how the world came to be... but we can chose the path we travel through it. One step at a time. Day by day.
Believe that you are worth being loved. And let that belief real enough to guide your path.

[This message edited by SerJR at 7:35 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

ok4now posted 10/13/2013 19:39 PM


Oh gosh have I been there. I can only answer for me. But part of it for me was the things I could always count on, part of my foundation was my marriage and it would forever be altered and changed. I know it is what everybody says but I never thought in a million yrs I would be here. Through the ups and downs of life he was part of my foundation that I always knew would be there.

When the betrayal happened it rocked me to my core. I started to question everything and everybody.

When I dreamed of my future it always included him.

I felt lost and confused and I not only grieved the betrayal but I grieved the loss of that rock in my life. The constant questioning of his morals and ability to lie to me. That stability was gone. I felt like I was drowning. I questioned my judgement and my reality.

All I can say is R for me is going well at this point but it took several mos and therapy to get here.

That being said I still do not feel the same safety I once did.

I really do not think I was much help to you, but I wanted you to know you were heard and you are not alone.

Take care,

[This message edited by ok4now at 7:49 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

nowiknow23 posted 10/13/2013 19:42 PM

((((clueless)))) I'm sorry you are in such pain tonight, honey. I know it doesn't seem possible right now, but the pain does fade. Life does go on. Happiness is possible, regardless of which path you take out of the betrayal.

Iamacrab posted 10/13/2013 20:36 PM

Sending all of the positive thoughts I can manage right now your way...
Unfortunately I believe this all simply takes time. I feel as you do many days, and I hope that with filling my life and future with new things it will ease the loneliness of the time passing until one day there is a healed wound.
Irrespective of that, some days and nights, just seem never ending, and the pain is very raw, I know.
I am certain we will both find life will continue, and continue well, because we still have a belief that love and goodness is worth it.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, and the days moving forward.

silentheart posted 10/14/2013 10:44 AM

I'm so very sorry for your pain. I know exactly what you are feeling. My DD was in July 2012. I only saw a future with my BF of 13 years. I have always had an old-fashioned soul. I truly believed in true love, commitment and honesty. I knew that deception was out there but did not believe that my BF was capable of it. DD for me hit me like a mac truck. I cried almost daily for most months out of this past year. I have read wonderful stories of true love and of R with the same person that betrayed but I too question R of a liar and a cheater. I'm still in the process of R but doubt it often bc I'm just not able to fully trust. I know I'm not offering much hope in my words but that is where I am at and I just wanted to recognize your pain. I will say that I wish I would have found this site withing days of DD but I just found it about a week ago and there is tremendous support and knowledge here so please take comfort in that.

I wish you comfort and peace.

lordhasaplan? posted 10/14/2013 10:51 AM

Read what SerJr posted over and over. That is the straight truth. Dont loose your belief in love and yourself. its the principle that guides yuoout of this hell. Well played Ser....

cluless posted 10/14/2013 11:05 AM

Thanks for your help. ALL of you helped, to show that this road is a long one and windy at best.

I know in my heart I can NEVER trust this man again. I don't even trust any simple things he says to me now. Everything that comes out of his mouth I question. I don't want be like this. I don't want to question my sanity. How can somebody that is supposed to love you treat you like this? If you can never restore your marriage to pre-A what is the point?

My kids are tired of seeing me cry, being held up in my room, and not seeing my friends. I have NO interest in anything, food, tv, anything

I have a book our "marriage" counselor had given us when we were in therapy (the same therapy he started to help cover his affair) it has an article on forgiveness. I CAN'T even pick it up. I want to rip the pages out of it. I NEED help. I almost OD'ed on xanax last night. I can't continue feeling this pain anymore.

I look at my husband, he's eating, laughs, doesn't have a care in the world. I write to him (email) so I can get my feelings out, it took him 14 hours to respond, he is also bored with how long this is taking. I've only learned of the WHOLE story for a few days now. Those new images our now engraved into my mind. Wouldn't it be easier to just leave the marriage?


SerJR posted 10/14/2013 12:37 PM


I think you are right cluless. You can't do THIS anymore.

What has your WH done to take responsibility for his choices and the consequences? What has he done to express his remorse and desire to set things right? What has he done to find out what was missing withing himself that allowed him to make these choices? What has he done to make amends to the marriage and rebuild? What has he done to gain your trust? What actions has he put in place to ensure that he never does this again?

If you don't have an answer to these questions... then reconciling with this man would be as effective as trying to ride a bicycle with only one tire. No matter how much effort one tire puts into it, both tires are what makes it a bicycle.
Take some time and be patient with yourself. Think about what your needs are in the marriage and let him know what they are. Think about what you will not tolerate in your marriage and let him know. Let him know that it is his choice as to how he follows up, and that you will not do his part for him. Let him know that you will move forward with your life and he is free to join you if he so choses and if he is willing to work on his self improvement. You have needs and you have boundaries. It is up to you to stand up for them.

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