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TMI warning -sexual intimacy issues

My WS has no problems performing sexually, as long as he is in control, and is happy to have sex several times a week, but he has huge intimacy problems. We have gone years having sex without even kissing, there is no romance or connection, and when it sort of feels like there might be he is quick to say something “dirty” or even inappropriate, or do things I have told him I don’t like. …. It is like he would rather I tell him to stop than actually experience some sort of bond that way. I was aware before we got married he was into BDSM stuff, and being somewhat naïve I thought nothing was wrong with a little spank and tickle. I assumed it would be a small part of a bigger sexual life with lots of experimentation, which sounded fun. When really it is just him getting off on the idea of being emotionally mean.
Ok I’m dancing around this because it feels inappropriate to tell anyone, even in a forum like this, but as an example one of the fantasies he has mentioned multiple times which I specifically asked him to not say outloud again, but he continues to say on occasion and uses to get off is to tell me how he wishes I was nursing again so he could tie me out in the backyard and milk me? WTF! More than once I have immediately got up and left after he pulled this gem out – yet he continues every few months to make some reference, because you know most women want to be compared to and treated like cow!! And it is not so much he even gets off on this idea (though I find it REALLY creepy) but that he refuses to keep it to himself- he is getting something out of telling me it and getting me upset. It is clear that sexual closeness makes him uncomfortable. Ironically after sex he is happy to cuddle and I usually just want to run away because it makes me feel LESS close to him.
He is also very uncomfortable discussing anything sexual, (except to say awful things to me right before he climaxes) I know he looks at porn, and I imagine he masturbates, I mean everyone man I’ve ever known does, right? But he actually told me he doesn’t except when I am out of town, even after I told him I do…. I actually imagine he does it a lot because it is largely how he has to finish, or with me facing away from him and him saying really unsexy things to me, and I know I’m not that bad in bed  …. I think … Anyway not really sure it matters, whether I am or not, because it feels more like I’m just a receptacle than we are having loving sexy fun times together.
I’m sure this is all playing a role. No better way to keep your spouse intimately distant from you than cheat … Just wondering if that makes attempting any sort of reconciliation attempt futile – if he really doesn’t want intimacy with me. I’m not expecting every day to be like a romantic movie, but I would love to actually enjoy our encounters, maybe even feel close with him. Can anyone else relate? This all feels so isolating- hard enough to tell friends your husband is cheating, than to admit he is degrading and mean in bed and you have NEVER "made love".

((And then))

I'm sorry. My wxh was very similar in that he didn't kiss me for months. Toward the end, he would only have sex from behind also. His skank told me that was because I am so ugly that he didn't want to look at my face.

So, yes- I now have some hang ups. I was unable to kiss anyone for about 4 years, until I met the man I'm currently seeing. Sex, yes-kissing, no.

I believe that all of this was done to demean me as a person, as a control to make me doubt myself.

I won't say that I'm now a totally confident person, but I have taken the approach of "fuck him" with regard to my wxh.

F.
T.
G.

Andthencraigslis,

I know kinky when I see it and I know abusive behavior when I see it. You H is not into kinky stuff, he is an abuser. It is not my place to say that he is sick, but he is sick.

I am so sorry for your predicament.

Just to be clear...

His interest may be classified as "kinky".

The fact that he can only get off by tormenting you with it is sick.

It sounds like he has some deep seeded sexual issues involving being victimized himself. The fact that he can't finish with you looking means there is a lot of shame involved. Has he ever opened up about being sexually abused?

That is horrifically abusive. He need help!! YOU need help!!! Are you guys in therapy? You need IC badly. He's got major major issues.

Was he abused? What kind of porn does he look at?

I want you to know you are very brave to get this admission out.
Hopefully some of the great minds on SI can offer some wisdom. I have found that sharing is emotionally freeing. So hopefully getting it out is healing in someway for you
I can say the fact your husband does't kiss falls in with the belief that kissing is more of an emotional connection for some. They can fuck ( which IMHO is very personal) but not kiss. W T F
Also since I read so many mentions of Craig's list posting...I looked. I read a post for a male looking to hook up with a female that was nursing..the larger the better. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what the hell lactating had to do with sex.
I offer no great insight but reminder you have to be comfortable in the intimacy you exchange with hubby. Don't ever be intimidated or compromise your value.
Hugs...

Although he hasn't admitted to sexual abuse, he was physically abused and eventually abandoned by his dad. His mother then had a string of husbands, and has progressively fallen into mental illness. So definite FOO issues.
Regardless sex is hugely shameful to him and in some ways finds shaming me a turn on? He sincerely acts surprised that I didn't enjoy what he was saying everytime... like he just doesn't get that being humiliated wouldn't be sexy for me?
Any porn I am aware of is BDSM, that is how I found out he was into it ... I found out about one site he went to, called collarme. I was worried at the time because it is a BDSM dating site and he said it was just porn he was looking at and I believed him. Hindsight....
Then when I was helping him pack for us to move into our home together, I found one movie which he said was old and he didn't watch. It was all about humiliating and degrading this woman... thought it was creepy but I ignored the voice in my head and just threw the movie out. I'm guessing now that was a lie and I threw out porn he really liked.
This was all several years ago and then nothing until I found out he had been on craigslist. We are not in counseling but are supposed to start soon. If I bring this up I could see him not coming back in the room and getting very angry with me. He has stormed out, or turned into a screaming match about everything I do wrong, even when I try to discuss it with him alone.

[This message edited by Andthencraigslis at 7:52 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

This is so concerning for me. If you don't address it with a therapist, it will continue, and it WILL break you.

Sweetie, this is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. He has some deep seated issues, and storms out of the room, because you are getting too close to the truth. If you are not enjoying it, and I can certainly see why, then it is unhealthy, and will cause issues, and escalate.

For your own sake get into IC to help you understand why you are willing to tolerate this level of disrespect. The only person you have control of is you. If he is unwilling to deal with it, and continues to attempt to sneak in these things that are clearly unhealthy the only option you have is to not allow yourself to be put in that position.

He has some very real issues. Probably related to abuse, and until he is willing to accept and address that there is nothing YOU can do to change it.

((((and strength))))

(((Andthen)))
I would recommend counseling for you and him separate. Look you need to make sure they specialize in SA and infidelity. I am not diagnosing your spouse but obviously there are issues.
You need someone in real life that will be in your corner during these sessions so you can get the outcome you need.