"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

cytron posted 10/13/2013 20:56 PM

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=506967&HL=40550

Above is the link to my story. We have spent the last four weeks since CD (confrontation day) pretty much separate, sleeping separate, me taking kids one day, her taking them the next day. Etc. Etc. Actually it was great therapy for me because I got the time I needed to evaluation the entire 20 years that we were together and more than just the affair.

We sat down tonight and we were going to talk about where we go from here. I told her how I have felt for the past month and how I have had time to evaluate things, get support from friends, get support from my family and a therapist along with a support group and this site. I then was telling her how I felt about her affair with him and she lost it!!!!!!!

She went off on me claiming why she has no remorse for what she did because nothing was there, it was just talk, OM and his wife are just fine because she isn't immature like I am, she did nothing wrong and all her friends tell her that I am an immature, whining, manipulative person for waiting four months to tell her what I knew and that the four months that I spent trying to be better than him were a sham and meant nothing to her.

She spouted off at me for about 10 minutes, yelling up and down the stairwell while the kids were sleeping waking them up. She said she didn't care if they hear what is going on as they will find out soon enough.

She said she is going to the bank tomorrow, making her own reservations for Disney (I already made them for December months ago and paid for hotel and hopper passes ) She is getting her lawyer to draw up papers and she doesn't trust me at all to do anything that will benefit her at all.

All I can say is wow!!!!! She didn't even let me get to the point where I really wanted the conversation to go and that is one of mutual respect and the desire to be friendly and do what is best for the kids and do this in the most amicable manner possible.

I guess women have that devil side that I never imagine that she would. She went completely psycho on my tonight and I can't believe what she is about to do to her family and kids.

WOW!!!!!

LeopoldB posted 10/13/2013 21:12 PM

Sounds like she fired all of her rockets. If that is the best she can do, you will be fine.

It is unfortunate, but the crazier she acts now, the better the chance for a good outcome. I would be more worried about the ones that run silent and deep.

breakingpoint posted 10/13/2013 22:09 PM

I know that my EA was partly attractive to me because of how hurt I was in my relationship. So when my husband and I separated I was filled with rage from all the years of being ignored and neglected. It was consuming rage like none other. It just all poured out.

So it seems very selfish for a WS to make it about them, but most likely she is addressing hurts that have piled up for years. Once it starts to fade, the real person slowly emerges. Or at least, that is how it happened for me.

damncutekitty posted 10/13/2013 22:31 PM

If you haven't already, get a lawyer. She sounds like one of the crazy ones.

Don't put it past her to do really shitty things from here on out. Like drain the bank accounts, change the locks, lie to judges and get a restraining order to get you out of the house, etc. Dont think one night of screeching will be the end of it for her.

wontdefineme posted 10/13/2013 22:40 PM

Remember that a WS had their A because it was about them. When its not about them they make it about them. How dare you make her pay for what you made her do because of something you didn't or did do. When the WS is not remorseful, this is how it goes. Hold on cause they do lie, cheat and rob you of any peace until they screw you over some more.

cytron posted 10/13/2013 23:08 PM

We just had a 90 minute good conversation and came to terms about our marriage being over. She was actually really nice after the initial going off the deep end against me.

I think she shows no remorse because she believes and knows that nothing happened between her and him and she might be right. Maybe nothing did.

So, while I am definitely reconsulting my attorney, I am going to be cautiously optimistic. I know most people here say to have both guns blazing and she will try to clean my clock, but I honestly want to believe that we will be amicable. Am I being unrealistic/

ZedLeppelin posted 10/13/2013 23:52 PM

Have you exposed to the betrayed wife yet?

By the way, if you think the separation process will be smooth - just head over to Abonddad's thread. Get yourself a lawyer.

[This message edited by ZedLeppelin at 11:55 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

Gr8Lady posted 10/14/2013 01:36 AM

Just WOW

Talk about justification.

Just protect yourself in the process of securing legal representation. Your WS is looking out for #1

OK now posted 10/14/2013 07:23 AM

I watched him pull into our garage and go into our house and leave over 90 minutes later. All the texts were about what they were doing to each other, how they should have done more, how they wanted each other, etc. etc. I couldn't believe it.

I just re-read your very first post; it is obvious and clear that she had sex with the OM. Surprise, surprise, she's telling lies. Well, nothing new there.

Telling you that she did not have sex puts her in a stronger position ; she will claim that you are a mentally unstable paranoid and she will use this against you when child custody arrangements are being negotiated.

We all told you that the OM would do a snow job on his wife and get her to believe that you were off the rails, now this will be used against you during the divorce. Be prepared to have limited access to your kids during separation and after divorce.

You have been totally out-manoeuvred and sad to say, you have not accepted much of the SI advice given. Your failure to immediately contact the BW with your texting evidence, which clearly demonstrated an affair, will cost you dear. Now all three of them on one side, you on the other.

I agree with ZedLeppelin; just wait until divorce time. I suspect you will come off very much worse than you imagine. You should have used the text evidence to demonstrate to the BW and your immediate family that she was having an affair;maybe also obtained other evidence. Now your wife is innocent and pure and you're the bad guy. Also the affair will continue since the BW thinks you have delusions and does not have the suspicions, as Inspector Clouseau would say.

I can only repeat; you have been totally out-manoeuvred by your wife and OM. She is winning a war you don't even know you're part of.

shiloe posted 10/14/2013 07:34 AM

Please tell the other BS.
They probably already told her you were "crazy".

damncutekitty posted 10/14/2013 07:48 AM

She is showing no remorse because she feels entitled to cheat- she doesn't care that she's hurt you, or that she's destroying a family. She wants what she wants. Part of cheating is creating elaborate lies in one's own mind to justify the behavior. She has built you up to be the bad guy. She thinks you deserve this pain.

Just be cautious and protect yourself. She has shown you what kind of person she really is now. Maybe you will be lucky and she will be amicable, but she is capable of anything. Maybe some of the other male members who have been screwed by vindictive WWs will tell you their stories.

Coma posted 10/14/2013 09:13 AM

Sounds so familiar to my situation. Explodes over everything and blames me for her explosions.

All ineed to know from her right now is are we finished because i am done.

confused615 posted 10/14/2013 09:19 AM

Yelling and screaming loud enough that it wakes the kids..unacceptable.

She is rewriting the marital history to make herself feel better.

Funny how she is so concerned about you not doing anything to benefit her in the divorce. What about the kids?

Goodbye and good riddance.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:19 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

cytron posted 10/15/2013 22:26 PM

I know what you all say and I get it. But a lot of what I read from my post is anger.

I am not angry anymore. I am relieved. We are both relieved as we knew this marriage was over for years and this was just the final nail.

We had another good conversation tonight and I really believe that we can be amicable about this and for hte kids sakes, we need to be.

StillLivin posted 10/16/2013 15:52 PM

Cytron
Nobody is saying you can't be amicable. We ALL hope that this will hold true in the future.
However, cover your a.. (CYA). See a lawyer, know your rights, get copies of important documentation and keep them in a safe place she can't get to. Keep a journal of incidents. You can always throw all of this stuff away after the divorce. An ounce of prevention and all those other cliches.
Best of luck to you and your family.

OK now posted 10/16/2013 19:51 PM

Wish you luck as you go through separation and divorce. Just want to add that you should be prepared for a stab in the back from your WW when she hires an attorney and the knives come out.

Often both parties intend a peaceful end to the marriage, but once the lawyers get to work all of that seems to fly out of the window. Attorneys don't appreciate harmony and civilized agreement; it undercuts their profits.