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Taking ME back....

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emotionalgirl posted 10/13/2013 22:00 PM

Tonight I had an interesting epiphany! I am slowly taking me back from the abyss that has been my married life for 25 yrs.

Long story short...WH came home from work tonight at 630pm and says he needs to go and meet some guys from work for drinks. I politely requested that he not go as supper would be ready in less than an hour
( it is Canadian thanksgiving weekend and although we are alone I had made the effort to do a stuffed turkey breast and all the trimmings). WH says he doesn't want to go but HAS to and "show face". I responded nobody is making you go and I should be first not them this is a holiday. Well guess what he ever so grudgingly went because he so doesn't want to and told me to keep supper hot, we would eat by 830pm. No one had a gun to his head he chose them over me!

How does this story mean I am taking back me? Well....I finished supper and sat down to a lovely perfectly cooked meal by myself! He came home to dried up food on the counter and was not very happy. I stated that past experience says he will not be home by the time he stated so I went ahead and ate. In the past I would have at least waited until the appointed time he said he would be home, but no more....this is what I mean by taking me back!

Last week I went to a fundraiser alone and he had to track me down because he wasn't home on time and this week it is meals when I want to eat them! Baby steps folks, baby steps!

Maybe one day he will take the hint, maybe he won't. Either way I am choosing to make me important. Who knows he wants to R but one day he might come home to an empty house!

emotionalgirl posted 10/13/2013 22:02 PM

Just an after thought as I know some will ask. The OW is out of town so no he isn't with her and yes I GPS tracked him and he is exactly where he said he would be.

Pentup posted 10/13/2013 23:26 PM

Yeahhhhhh YOU!
Sometimes, these small steps are enough to let ourselves know we are worthy of respect from ourselves! if your spouse mans up and gets on board, well, that is just gravy on your turkey dinner.

thebighurt posted 10/13/2013 23:53 PM

Good for you! And Happy Thanksgiving. I'm glad you enjoyed your dinner while it was freshly cooked. And you're sure of where he was. You're taking control of that too. (But are you sure of who was there with him?)

In my case, when I did something like that, I believe it helped him make the decision to leave. I did not know about the A for sure until DDay and that was when he left, but I had started taking me back and taking care of ME first because I finally realized how he was mistreating me and stood up for ME. My IC says this was the beginning of the end because xpos is ALL about himself. It was the best thing that could have happened to me!

It may go either way in your case, but whatever he does, keep looking out for YOU.

Gemini71 posted 10/14/2013 00:21 AM

So glad you're taking back your self esteem! Enjoy those baby steps for the progress they are.

Marathonwaseasy posted 10/14/2013 00:55 AM

Well done you
I'm trying to do the same. Not so much with FWS who is putting me first realising what he stands to lose. But I've been so lacking in self esteem I've been a doormat universally. I'm taking less crap at work and with my parents who taught me how to respond to passive aggression (just take it and do more and more and more)
Go us. Take back who we are and if ws follows fair enough but if not we are more than enough on our own

callmecrazy posted 10/14/2013 07:29 AM

Considering you slaved in the kitchen and made a feast and he dared do what he did, he's lucky you left squat on the counter for him. Good for you eating it while it was in prime condition!!!

Raven96 posted 10/14/2013 07:39 AM

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm glad you didn't wait for him and enjoyed your meal! Keep doing what you're doing. Baby steps lead to leaps and bounds! Keep up the good work!!


emotionalgirl posted 10/14/2013 12:17 PM

Hi everyone....I had been doing a version of 180 suggested by my IC as when it is just the 2 of you in the house it can be difficult. Added to the fact that I am a truly Co-dependent spouse and wow it's tuff!

I have been much stronger since this whole mess started however I had let myself slide into some old patterns when he started to do the work for R. Thing is I slid into old patterns and he slid even worse. Well guess what no more mrs nice wife! My WH has always been disrespectful of my feelings and simple things like meal times and being home when he says he would be.

I don't know who was there last night and frankly I don't much care! I checked the GPS to see if he was where he said he would be just for my sanity when he was 2 hrs late and I happen to know through rumour that the OW is out of town. But you know what? I just don't care! If he wants this marriage he has to show some respect and work for it! I don't want to be his PO or his babysitter for the rest if our lives. In his line of work he is gone too much but the A always get back to us spouses one way or another. He knows he has had his two strikes and third strike he's out.

It's scary but I am becoming a bit ambivalent, and in a marriage that is not a good thing. I am tired of being a doormat, someone to do it all while he lives the good life. I have too much respect for myself. We don't have an intimate relationship and haven't for over a year (long story) so basically I live with a room mate. So either I get my own life within the marriage, that doesn't include intimacy and let him finance it or eventually one of us walks away (likely me). It could go either way and frankly I am not sure how much I care anymore.

Feeling strong today!

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