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4 Years since DDay

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WheredoIgonow posted 10/14/2013 01:22 AM

Well, today is 4 years to the day since that DDay. I don't come on here nearly as much as I used to. I really needed to in those early months.

I guess I just wanted to get on and let those who are in their early months or even years.

I can honestly say that it DOES GET better. I can almost say I don't think about it every day. Maybe I do. But at least I don't think about it every minute or hour.

It actually feels fairly "normal" like we did before all of this happened.

Though it's very different too. Some parts a lot better. Other parts different.

I can say that it we are definitely not the couple where the spouse felt super remorseful-and he's done everything in his powers to make it up to me. He is far from that.

However, we've both worked hard through IC and MC and just on each other. We are better people and better as a couple for the most part. It doesn't feel "special" like it used to - but we are proud of ourselves and look forward to our years ahead.

I'm proud of myself on who I am. I proud of the gift I gave my children and didn't ruin their lives for awhile. The one who suffered most was me. And I'm okay with that. I just can't believe how hard it was.. and I can't believe how far I and we have come.

So, if you really believe and he truly is trying and has kept the NC - then don't give up. It WILL get better or it surely can. I'm sure for some, it may not.

But I just wanted to let you know that it can. And if you make it to 4 years - it will likely be better. As long as you are taking care of yourself - and he's not cheating anymore.

Most of all, your self confidence will be so much better. You will feel so much better about yourself.

Thank you SI.. You were the best thing for me - and helped me out so much. I hope I can provide the hope and advice a little bit to others - like those who did for me.

Stay strong! Believe in yourself.

HardenMyHeart posted 10/14/2013 01:52 AM

OnAnIsland posted 10/14/2013 02:18 AM

Thanks for that. You sound great.

crossroads2010 posted 10/14/2013 04:54 AM

I'm proud of myself on who I am. I proud of the gift I gave my children and didn't ruin their lives for awhile. The one who suffered most was me. And I'm okay with that. I just can't believe how hard it was.. and I can't believe how far I and we have come.

I am a few weeks from my 35th wedding aniversay and a few weeks ago was my 4 year dday antiversary...I relate so well to your post. It DOES get better...I got better...I am pretty sure I can handle it and do what I have to do if he ever breaks NC...that is what makes life okay now. Like your H, mine is not gushing affection and remorsefulness...he doesn't express that well and my M is not "special" anymore and that does make me sad, but 40 years together have to count for something and normal may not be as exciting as an A but it is real. My grown kids also came out pretty much unscathed...they don't know. at times I wish they did...someimes I wish I had left him and think maybe it would have jerked him into the reality of life without me and he would have been more remorseful, but I have become a stronger person and know that I can handle most anything that may come along you know IT JUST TAKES TIME.

Peace to you WheredoIgonow on this day of reflection!

WheredoIgonow posted 10/14/2013 08:19 AM

Thank you everyone. Thank you Crossroads2010. You DO understand and can really relate to how I feel and my situation.

It's interesting, my children do know what happened and all of my family members.

Our two youngest were only 14 and 12 - and were devestated when we told them that their father was moving out and had made some bad choices. Our two oldest were in college and they were very angry at their father. But then only for awhile it seems.

But that's okay too. Because their lives went back to "normal" fairly quickly. And I think now, it really feels normal to them. So... that's my biggest gift to life in my eyes. Stability and some mormalcy - and Dad around (and a good Dad) around every day.

Most of my other family members NEVER bring it up... and why should they really. Though sometimes I wish they would - and say "how are you doing". Again, I'm really okay with it - because what matters now is that I AMJ OKAY. I know what I did for those children - me - and our M.

Though a couple of weeks ago, my BIL, who I'm fairly close to me, said, "I'm really proud of you... and that you hung in there and gave so much to my brother and your family. Do you know how different their high school school years would have been (the 2 youngest) if you had divorced my brother". And I quietly say, "I know" and smiled to myself. T told him thanks for noticing.

Hopefully, we'll get better and better every day and year.

I just wanted to let everyon out there who wonders (because I surely did) whether they really can get through this and have a good marriage, and know that YES - it's possible.

Zayda1 posted 10/14/2013 08:25 AM

Thank you for posting this. It really helps knowing that time really does make a difference.

WheredoIgonow posted 10/14/2013 08:28 AM

Oh yeah, one other thing. Eventhough today (well acturally yesterday now), was the actual 4 years to the day of our DDay, my husband didn't say a word - and probably didn't even realize it.

The 1st year or 2, I would have crushed and cried because he wasn't sensitive to that - now, I don't. I wish he would - but this is a good example of fWH. It's not really a purposeful loss of memory - but just his not really paying attention and unwareness of what day it is.

Compared to the first year or two or maybe even last year, where we had decided to go "do" something and get away. This year I'm actually on a quick business trip myself - so, I'm kind of glad in away - because I don't have to be tempted to say, do you know what day it is today?"

And that's why I mean, we are somewhat back to "normal" and in a way I'm kind of glad. I feel like I'm taking this day back again - and it's a normal day.

Thanks again everyone.

Audrina posted 10/14/2013 10:05 AM

Like you, I am about 4 yrs out and I feel the same way as you described.

I feel "normal" as you put it.
And that is something I thought I would NEVER feel again.
So many times, I wanted to throw in the towel and just give up.
Especially after trigger after trigger and not wanting to live like this for the rest of my life.
I never thought I would move past the pain. It was just so hard.

I never thought I would feel confident again as a woman.

But I do.

It takes time, yes it does. And a lot of work. BUT it can be done.

[This message edited by Audrina at 10:07 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

devasted30 posted 10/14/2013 11:33 AM

Thanks guys. I need all the encouragement I can get right now and my DDay is Thursday and I'm not looking forward to it at all. I have been triggering all over the place and my WS just doesn't know what to say or do to make it better. Honestly, I don't think there is anything he can do. We are escaping for a few days starting tomorrow and trying to build new memories but I know that from now until January 1st (when he returned) is going to be bad. If he had only told me the truth at the beginning instead of TT maybe I'd be further along in this process, but he didn't and I'm not even sure I know it all still. But, we are trying so hard to move forward and he has been absolutely great when it comes to my questions - the same ones over and over. He too is having a hard time understanding why he did what he did. What made him cross that line - go to such a DARK place and find it acceptable to do. He's as confused as I am and is horrified by his choices and can't believe he is the reason why I am so unbelievably hurt. He sees the destruction and devastation he has created and knows that it's going to be years. He just asks me constantly to keep trying and he'll work the rest of his life to make it up to me and prove to me that he is worthy of my love. But, is he???? I struggle with that everyday. If you love someone, why would you hurt them so much? I guess it's a question that will never be answered fully. I just have to try to learn to accept that it happened and realize that it can't be changed. But the horrors play out in my mind over and over and over and over...............

[This message edited by devasted30 at 11:34 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

littledebbie posted 10/14/2013 11:49 AM

Thanks for your post, we are 2 years out today. We are doing really good, it's been a very hard, long road, but it's been worth it. It's good to see positive stories on here.

hdhs3 posted 10/14/2013 13:00 PM

Thank you for your Post, my situation is not much different as yours / others report, meaning not alot of remorse or affection, I believe we both remain in our respective version of "The Fog". FYI, while D-Day for her LTA was over 2 years ago,we are about 15 months into true reconciliation process ( we were separated for the balance after I left home a few months after D-Day) , and it hurts every day, but I do believe time - if well invested- in on our side. I am wondering what peoples experience is on suggesting that the FWS read some of the same things I've been reading, both here and on the Marriage Advocates site - some really good stuff on what is really going on in an Affair, something different than true love as affair partners think they experience, my concern is it can create tension, which has a chilling affect on intimacy, maybe I should start a separate thread, but decided to start here, God Bless You all.

silentheart posted 10/14/2013 14:39 PM

Thank you for posting. I am 14 months out from DD and this past 14 months has been very very hard. The first few months were near unbearable. Only recently has my BF taken this very seriously and said he is willing to do whatever it takes to help me heal. We have been together a total of 13 years but his A was for 4 years. We had that something "special" and it scares me that my heart won't ever be able to feel exactly the same as it did before. But at the same time I don't want to give up on history and we both have always been and still remain in love with each other. It is complicated. I'm angry at what he did to us. I'm angry some days at myself for selling myself short and staying after DD bc I always told myself, him and everyone that knew me that cheating was a deal breaker for me. I wasn't true to myself b/c I stayed. I struggle with that but I love him. I wish I would have found this site long ago but I just found it last week. Thanks for posting your update and I hope things just keep getting better for you.

crazyblindsided posted 10/14/2013 17:02 PM

Thank you! Your post really helped me today.

My WH and I have been on the up an up. He is even bringing up the A on his own. *Keeping my fingers crossed as I want us to make it*

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