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A Positive Update

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HappilyUnMarried posted 10/14/2013 02:04 AM

My SO and I have been dating for 10 months. The last time I posted (4 months back), I was going to break up with him because I basically couldn't accept his "uber" social behavior. He wanted us to go out 5-6 times a week. Sometimes with me, sometimes with his buds. He is Mr. Outgoing Party Guy... I am much more introverted and can only go out with groups every so often.

In addition, I felt he wasn't there for me when I needed him. My job was falling apart at the time (I was laid off about a month later). I needed him then and I needed him at other times too. After I witnessed a bike rider get run over by a truck and he went out drinking with his friends before he came to my house to console me, I broke up with him. I felt unimportant. I didn't feel like I was his priority at all.

But I have since learned it wasn't all him. It was me too... especially my passive-aggressive tendencies I learned living with my NPDXH for 16 years. It was my survival mechanism and I was just as guilty as he was. His survival mechanism he used in his M was to go out as much as possible so he wouldn't fight with his W. We had bad, bad behaviors on both of our parts.

Anyway, he was very upset with our break-up; completely unaware anything was wrong! We talked a lot before getting back together. He told me he needed to be told POINT BLANK exactly what I need from him (emphasizing the fact over and over again that he is not a mind reader).

So I told him everything that was a "deal breaker" for me. For example, I told him that I need to be shown that I am his priority... that I can be a little needy especially during stressful periods of my life. I have been feeling insecure and worthless since the job has been failing. I told him I crave quality time and physical touch. This is different than his XW's "love language" (she liked gifts and acts of service). But that was all he was used to. He bought me flowers a lot... but that is not what I "needed".

Since our talk, he has learned my love language (and I have learned his) and we now go out of our way to "talk" in our respected languages to each other. He is totally paying attention to me and I feel like a VIP in his world. I love it.

I also told him when he makes plans with his friends he needs to ask me first. This way I am in the "know" about his activities so if there is a conflict I will be able to nip it in the bud before it becomes an issue. This has caused huge problems between us before. But since our talk, he's been religiously asking me before he makes plans, and there hasn't been any problems. I tell him "yes" about 95% of the time. And I now know in advance when he plans to go out with his buddies so I can get together with my gal friends! Win-win.

From our "almost break-up" in June to our relationship now.... Wow. It's been remarkable, incredible. It gets better ever day. Because we both "care" to make it work.

We moved in together this month. It's my house, so he pays for almost everything and gives me extra money whenever I ask for it.

He does chores around the house without being asked or nagged (!)

He bought us a great TV for "our" bedroom.

He helps with the kids: talks to them, helps them with their HW, loves and cares for them.

He wants to grocery shop with me (and pays!)

He gives me space when I want it (my bedroom is my fortress)

I gave him space when he wants it (I gave him a "Man Cave" formerly known as POS NPDXH's office)

He has never, ever raised his voice to me or the kids.

He's kind to everyone he meets; has tons of close friends

He is so much fun!

I love him.

Every point above is day and night from NPDXH. Day and night.

He is the most aware and compassionate guy I know. And I am so, so, so, so lucky that I found him! And that I didn't drop him when I wanted to.

But, if we stayed "as-is", the relationship would have been over. But the fact he and I both wanted to make changes where it makes sense to make the relationship work is such a new concept for me... and him! A few nips and tucks here and there can make all the difference.

People can change-- if they want to.

I never had a guy who loves and cherishes me so much and is willing to make these little changes in order to keep things going smooth for us. And I am changing myself for him too. In good ways only.

I never had this in any other relationship. Never.

I'm glad I waited almost 6 years since my D and never settled.

For all of you out there... there is hope!!!

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 5:55 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

MyVoice posted 10/14/2013 05:23 AM

Sounds like life is pretty wonderful for you

thebighurt posted 10/14/2013 07:31 AM

I LOVE this post!

This is the ONLY reason I would want another relationship. I would love to know what it's like to feel like this!! After learning that xpos never cared anything about anyone but himself and how much he gaslighted me and set me up to fail, this would be so welcome. And I wonder if I could make the changes you have from being passive-aggressive in response to him.

I'm so happy for you!!

thebighurt posted 10/14/2013 07:31 AM

Double post. My finger stuttered. Sorry.

[This message edited by thebighurt at 7:33 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

NaiveAgain posted 10/14/2013 08:47 AM

I am so, so happy for you!

I think sometimes we are so ready to give up on relationships here when everything isn't perfect but we forget no one is perfect. But there is a HUGE difference between a fatal flaw or just a communication gap. You just had a communication gap and I am so glad you were able to talk things thru!

Williesmom posted 10/14/2013 08:57 AM

awesome post.

I guess we all need to keep in mind that we HAVE to communicate.

little turtle posted 10/14/2013 09:56 AM

I'm glad things are going well for you! It's amazing how much having a conversation or two can make a world of a difference!!! Keep it up!

Thanks for the reminder that we all need to share things with the people in our lives. Family, partner, friends... no one can read our mind!

HappilyUnMarried posted 10/14/2013 18:00 PM

Thank Guys!

I really wanted to post this because sometimes we tend to forget the fact that people can change. We need to cut them some slack sometimes for not being the "perfect soul-mate" right out of the box. We should at least give them the opportunity to see if they can change. If they are not willing, then cut your losses. But you need to communicate. You need to try. Getting a good one right out of the box without a tweak or two would be pretty darn rare.

I didn't get it then. I figured that if he wasn't who I wanted him to be I might as well move on: change is futile.

But his point is that he was willing to make the changes... but I had to actually give him the OPTION to try to change! And give him a little time. And patience.

I didn't. At first. But I'm so, so glad he gave ME a second chance!

What a concept!

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 6:10 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

persevere posted 10/14/2013 20:21 PM

Happy for you lady!

fraeuken posted 10/14/2013 20:30 PM

You gave me hope. You go girl!

gardenparty posted 10/14/2013 20:46 PM

awesome post and some very valid points about learning each others communication methods and love language.

Lisa2You posted 10/15/2013 00:57 AM

Just wanted to thank you for this post. I'm a looong way from dating, but you give me hope. Sometimes it seems that nobody here has one happy or positive thing to say. It's just nice to know that someone out there is having positive things happen in their life - after all the pain and hurt. Just good to know! ~L

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