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I triggered hard at work today

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vistainc posted 10/14/2013 07:54 AM

I work in a hospital in my area and am occasionally asked to "sit" with a patient that may have the need for some 1 on 1 attention. Yesterday was one of those days.

My patient was an elderly man (who lost his wife not long ago) who was experiencing some confusion and needed someone to keep him safe. I guess I fit the bill because I was scheduled to be with him for my entire 12 hour shift.

While providing care to this man, he began talking about things he could remember about his one point he even called me by her name. That was the beginning of the trigger. This man was with his wife for 60 years. What an accomplishment.

Everytime he mentioned her name, tears came to his eyes and he put her ring (which he wore on a chain around his neck) to his lips and kissed it gently before putting it back down.

That was it for me. The thought that if something ever happened to me, what ring would my husband wear? I don't wear one because my marriage is broken, has been for quite some time obviously.

What would I do if something happened to him? Would I then feel that I needed to wear his ring around my neck? At that moment I knew that I wouldn't have. How sad was that? Extremely sad and I began to cry. Of course my co-workers on that floor (I am a float) don't know my business and I would like to keep it that way, but that was the worst shift of my career so far.

By the end of the day his family had arrived to spend time with him and they all became very emotional regarding his care, their Mom, his emotions etc. I couldn't wait to get out of there at the end of the night.

Just sitting here typing this is making me cry all over again. I know it seems like such a trivial thing, but just knowing that "we" don't have that kind of connection anymore, breaks my heart all over again.

[This message edited by vistainc at 7:55 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 10/14/2013 09:37 AM

I am sorry for your trigger. The story made me tear up too. I could see that being me some day. But I am not sure if I could see that being my fWS.

toughernow posted 10/14/2013 09:54 AM

Hi visatinc,

I read your post and it hit me so close to home.

know it seems like such a trivial thing, but just knowing that "we" don't have that kind of connection anymore, breaks my heart all over again.

I have had the same feelings toward fWH. I don't think its a trivial thing for us to feel this way when we see that kind of love. The kind of love and devotion that you saw being demonstrated by your patient is a rare and precious gift that so many of us BS's bestowed upon our WS and they did not appreciate it , at least not during the time they were having the A.

Sometimes in my darker moments I realize that I will never feel that level of love and pure devotion to him that I had felt for 28 years.
The ring.

I don't wear one because my marriage is broken, has been for quite some time obviously.

I refuse to wear my rings . They do not carry the same meaning for me that they once did. I wear a new ring that he had made for me to symbolize a "new" marriage. Only way I could do it.

I trigger all the time. Each time I do I find myself flat out on the ground, dumbfounded, "how did I get here?"

I know that it is impossible to completely avoid triggers, but i think I am slowly learning to avoid certain situations that are not so good for me.

I had a good friend tell me once that she noticed that when I would talk about my husband , "My face would light up."
I don't light up anymore when I talk about him.

PhoenixRising88 posted 10/14/2013 12:02 PM

Your post struck a chord with me as well... While in Kentucky for the family reunion, I got to sit and talk with Great Uncle Alonzo and Great Aunt Margaret. We visited for a bit and then they got up to walk down to Aunt Mary's house for the meal. These two have been married for 62 years. They didn't know it but I took a picture of them as they walked away, holding hands like newlyweds. It made me cry. Because once upon a time I knew without a doubt, to my core, that my H and I would grow old together and still be in love like that. Now I'm not sure of anything.


Audrina posted 10/14/2013 12:15 PM

I am sure these couples that have stayed together for 60 plus yrs had their miserable times too.
Maybe they experienced infidelity, loss of a child, illness, differences etc


[This message edited by Audrina at 12:16 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

toughernow posted 10/14/2013 12:45 PM

when we were newlyweds we used to go skating on a frozen lake near our home and I would sometimes see this elderly couple there. They both wore tartan scarves and hats and they skated arm in arm smiling as they made their way around the lake. I had not thought of them for years, but recently I have been thinking of them, and wondering if they had ever had something like an A rock their marriage. There was just this closeness between them that seemed etherial.
I will never know of course, but it just makes me know, about things that are forged in fire becoming stronger.
I still want to believe that will be us 20 years from now.

silentheart posted 10/14/2013 12:55 PM

I cried when I read your post and it is NOT trivial at all. I have always been an old-fashioned soul and believed in love like that and thought I had it with my BF of 13 years. I didn't think he was even capable of betrayal. I'm angry at him for stealing that from me. I'm so sorry for the trigger - it would have affected me the same way. To me it restores a little faith that that kind of love and commitment is possible but also makes me sad to my core that my dreams were shattered when my BF betrayed me. We have to remain hopeful and keep believing.

Take care of yourself :)

vistainc posted 10/14/2013 19:39 PM

I think this may be a post I print out for FWH. He doesn't use the computer but occasionally I print things out for him to read. I guess I want him to "get" how all this feels on my end.

Sure, he understands what he did was very wrong and his actions have caused so much pain, but I don't think he realizes how permanent the effects of those actions will be.

Thanks for all the responses. It's always good to know you are not alone.

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