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Fightingmad posted 10/14/2013 08:47 AM

Has anyone gone to this to help. My first antiversary is Wednesday and for the last several months I feel nothing. I could curl up in bed and just exist if it wasn't for kids, work,...I go through the motions daily but its a struggle. I keep thinking ok its stress from my boards (took big exam last month) and if I get through it things will be better - well that time has passed and not better. Then I blame an injury in my foot which has derailed my training ( I am an avid runner - did first marathon last year and found out about affair 2 days later),... I don't know if its just me and I shouldn't blame the affair (can't blame it forever), or if it truly is just because of the time of year...

I can not live like this. there is no joy, I snap at my kids, have no interest in anything...

I have never taken a medication in my life and it scares me to death but so does this complete apathy

Just wondering about others experiences

bionicgal posted 10/14/2013 09:13 AM

Hmmm. .. Have you heard of thr plain of lethal flatness? Some say it is a stage in the healing process. I have a low tolerance for depression, and when i feel it for an hour I start to panic. However, to me it sounds like you got an awful lot done for being depressed. Took your boards. ..

What can you do about exercising? I know if I don't exercise nearly every day, I am a mess. Also, sometimes if we are having a bad day/week we can project that we felt bad a lot further back than what we did.

If you decide to go that route, do it under the care of a psychotherapist and not just your regular doctor.JMHO.

blakesteele posted 10/14/2013 09:23 AM

(((fightingmad))) I too have wondered about AD far I have not used them.

I have used over the counter sleep aides. It has helped a bunch! I have read a person needs at least 1 REM cycle per night to repair nerve damage in the brain. I remind myself of this every time I wake in the middle of the night....Kind of like telling myself "If you are serious about R you better get back to sleep...this is important!". It works most of the time. is your sleep pattern? If you are not getting 6 straight hours, you might try sleeping pills first. If over the counter didnt work I was prepared to go to my Dr. and get a prescription. I dont want to get into any serious drugs if I don't have to. My job is one that requires me to be on-call every 5 weeks...but also be prepared to work if a storm rolls through. I want to be as clear-headed as I can for that.

Plus, I think good growth comes from pain...though there are limits and clinical depression CAN be a result to infidelity...both in the WS and BS so you are wise to be mindful of this.

I am like bionicgal....depression panics me as well...exercise is key. I lift weights for just a short period of time early in the morning and I also go for walks and jog often. I also spend time in nature...just being outside is very theraputic for me. I am lucky to live in a rural part of our state...and some of my work related conferences are held in rural conference venues (on banks of rivers, near state parks, etc.). I have one this week and am looking so very forward to it.

Gently...the fact is that you ARE doing things because of work and kids. That is not a cop out. Sure it is not the fun we use to have in our marriage, in our home...but you are not missing lots of work or totally ignoring the kids either.

Hang in their sucks...I know it does...but you are doing well.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:24 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

bionicgal posted 10/14/2013 09:42 AM

PS i want to echo what BS said which was unsaid in my post, which is that to some degree I think that feeling down during this time is a necessary evil. I resist it, so I understand why you might want to avoid it. Also, I wouldn't want anyone to stay there if it were unsafe for them. However, sometimes it is the very wish to escape the darkness that causes us the most pain. I try to read about it (Buddhist Pema Chodron helps me a lot) and accept it is part of the process. It is hard, no doubt.

My experience with ADs (I was on them for 7 years) is that they kept me somewhat stuck, and took out my highs and lows. (And my sex life. . .they were v. Bad for my marriage,) There is actually considerable doubt as to their true efficacy. However i am not a doctor. . .

I'd personally play around with exercise, sleep, opening up to people, and working on myself. But, that is my path. Good luck to you. . . I am sorry for your pain.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:43 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

Fightingmad posted 10/14/2013 09:55 AM

Sleep - whats that? I have had a very hard time with that over the last few months. My job requires 24 hours shifts and it screws up my ability to sleep even at home. So yes that contributes.

Excercise - its like alcohol to an alcoholic to me and I am doing what I can but it is not anywhere near my normal 1-2 hours per day that I am used to. I have plantar fasciitis and even walking is painful at times. I have had it injected, am doing pt,...still lifting and trying elliptical but I pay the price so the pain adding...

I just see no purpose to life anymore. If it was not for my children I am not sure what I would do!

I will try an otc sleep aid and see if that helps.

Thank you for your replies

blakesteele posted 10/14/2013 11:01 AM

Can you reach out via PM to a female member of SI? Get a sense you feel very isolated right now. I recommend a "same sex" reach out so as to not blur any boundary lines. I think it important, for those of us desiring to R with our spouses, to not satisfy that male-to-female connection anywhere but with our spouses....need to keep that thirst there until we reconnect with our spouses or we D and are in a position to do so honestly. But I also believe people need adult human connections outside their marriage.

SI public posts are invaluable but not a replacement for one on one connections.

Sorry to hear about your work schedule. I can see that is a complicating are wise to recognize it as such. I have worked several storm events with my work since my DD....have been welcome mental breaks as I must focus intently on every task when we are in "storm mode". But your sitch is different....sounds as if it the norm for you.

Saying a specific prayer of peace for you now.

Keep the faith.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:04 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

Rebreather posted 10/14/2013 11:07 AM

I decided ADs were not for me for an assortment of reasons. But I know many here have had success.

That said, sometimes this process is just shitty. Well, ok, maybe it is always shitty with some times more shitty than others. Are you still in IC? I echo the previous comments to focus on yourself. Do for you. Call a girlfriend for lunch. See a movie. Get a mani. Whatever your thing is. Maybe swimming would be easier on that foot?

ShatteredLove00 posted 10/14/2013 12:56 PM

I'm now on antidepressants, but I was literally borderline suicidal. I'm pregnant and the doctors were very hesitant to prescribe, but I wanted to give the baby up for adoption and was fantasizing about killing myself and even doing "trial runs" - it was very scary. I was unable to do daily tasks like eat and I was sleeping only 3-4 hours a night.

If you are functional, I'm not sure I would recommend taking them. For me, they just made me functional. I am very, very thankful to be on them, but it doesn't make everything rosy.

hopefulhubby00 posted 10/14/2013 13:03 PM

So I went on Prozac while my BS went on Celexa. It seems to be working really well for both of us. From my standpoint it gave me perspective on what life should have been like - but it seems that I most likely had some sort of anxiety disorder during the whole thing that I was "medicating" with alcohol and other behavior.

It seems from my perspective that I am taking much more pleasure in things I used to think of as chores (because of the stress associated?) I hope the perspective helps.

Itstoohard posted 10/14/2013 13:15 PM

When I went for my scheduled doctors appointment, she could not get over weight list aend when I told her why she asked some questions ...I started to cry..anyways she gave me citalopram. I filled script but didn't take for a week or so. Not much for drugs. Once I took I called her and said I don't feel any different. She doubled dose and then it worked. Hard to describe but first thing I was sleeping...yes finally sleeping. I felt content. In all this mess I still had moments of contentment. I only stayed on for 3 months and am in process of weaning off. 1/2 pill every other day. I think I liked the way I felt better when on them. I know I slept better but scares me. At least now I know how they work on me and if necessary I can go back on. My doctor said just to let her know and she would prescribe.i guess my point is it doesn't hurt to try and you could feel a whole lot better and be healthier. I gained about 8 lbs back and doctor was pleased with that.

Scubachick posted 10/14/2013 14:19 PM

I just see no purpose to life anymore. If it was not for my children I am not sure what I would do!

I feel the same way. When I was trying to explain it to my husband last night, I told him I have no purpose. I feel useless and hopeless. It's making me cry just to write this. I cry daily. I know what I need to do to feel better but I just don't do it and I don't even know why. I've been out of my thyroid medicine for 2 weeks now and I'm sure that just messes with my emotions even more. I hope you feel better soon!

Scubachick posted 10/14/2013 14:20 PM

I just see no purpose to life anymore. If it was not for my children I am not sure what I would do!

I feel the same way. When I was trying to explain it to my husband last night, I told him I have no purpose. I feel useless and hopeless. It's making me cry just to write this. I cry daily. I know what I need to do to feel better but I just don't do it and I don't even know why. I've been out of my thyroid medicine for 2 weeks now and I'm sure that just messes with my emotions even more. I hope you feel better soon!

Alyssamd24 posted 10/14/2013 15:49 PM

I am on an antidepressant and have been for the last 5 years...I was originally prescribed it for narcolepsy (it controls my cataplexy) but I recently asked my Neuro to increase the dosage because I was having a hard time dealing with everything going on and felt like I was becoming numb to everything, and would take naps as much as possible just to escape life for a while. I do feel better since increasing my dosage.

Antidepressants are a scary thing.....I hate that I have to take them daily in order to feel like a normal person. If I had a choice I definitely wouldn't.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

crazyblindsided posted 10/14/2013 17:04 PM

I believe AD's saved my life during this ordeal.

FeelingSoMuch posted 10/14/2013 17:40 PM

I have been on Cypralex since the third month or so after never taking any kind of medication my entire life.

It's been good. My lows aren't so low anymore. For a guy who hadn't cried in many, many years, I found myself crying and unable to function multiple times a day at first. The AD made that significantly easier to handle.

I'm more efficient at work (although not 100 per cent yet) and have been able to push the negative thoughts away enough of the time to actually enjoy time with my WW.

Next month, the doctor is going to start lowering my dosage to wean me off.

For me, it's been a lifesaver. Literally and figuratively.

emotionalgirl posted 10/14/2013 19:00 PM

I have taken citalopram for the past 6 years. I have lived a life full of depression with suicidal thoughts and awful anxiety since I was a young girl. It wasn't until I felt such terrible apathy and then had a melt down in my Drs office and started the AD that I felt human. I wish someone had prescribed them to me years ago. I honestly don't know how I would have survived this mess without them.

You do not have to stay on them long term but could give them a try. Just remember all AD take 14-21 days to take effect. Good luck!

topperoff22 posted 10/14/2013 19:44 PM

I'm on some natural things for my depression and anxiety for now. I'm not just saying is really helping. Rhodilia Rosea and PharmaGaba and l-theanine for the anxiety. You might want to read this article by Suzy Cohen before you go the route of antidepressants:

SoVerySadNow posted 10/14/2013 19:59 PM

I was on Zoloft for about 5 years. The dose was gradally increased. That was pre d-day. It leveled me out, no lows, no highs either. It decreased my sex drive too.
After d-day, when WH asked if I felt that asking my doctor for some meds might be a good idea I decided against them. I just didn't want to be on anything.
But they can be a godsend for many. If anxiety or depression is affecting your relationship with your children, it woud be worth a discussion with your doctor.
Edited for clarity

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 8:14 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Fightingmad posted 10/16/2013 14:15 PM

Thank you all for your input. Today is my one year antiversary and I am working and who do I run into - OW! Arg. I actually did okay.

I am nervous about taking any medication -never been one for them. I'm nervous about weight gain (which would throw me over the edge) and decreased sex drive which I already don't have much of one but I am also scared of feeling nothing forever...

Thank you for sharing

breakingpoint posted 10/16/2013 18:24 PM

Lexapro helped me a lot. I haven't had weight gain or decreased sexual desire. Just feel physically calmer.

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