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cl131716 posted 10/14/2013 09:05 AM

There have been a few strange developments in the past few days. Saturday night Wh's four kids (from a previous marriage) were here. We were all hanging out watching tv in the living room. I was watching Wh's and my 16 month old throw a football back and forth to Wh's oldest son (13). Wh began acting strange and I asked him what was wrong. He said we needed to talk. So we went somewhere private and he said he knew it was stupid and he was probably imagining it but he noticed I was glancing at his oldest son's crotch. Ummmm.....what???? I was doing no such thing! I explained to him I was simply watching our son play with him. Nothing more. I have no clue why he would ever think such a thing! The strangest part is he didn't seem upset but more like jealous? He's made comments before about me being closest to his eldest. Well, in a way, yes because I was the oldest growing up and I can relate to him. But I am NOT a pedaphile! He is a CHILD and I've never looked at him in any way like that.

The next day it got stranger. I clean the office and homes that are to be sold and Wh's place of employment. Everyone is off on Sundays so I was there alone. It's about a 20-25min drive from our home. The entire time I was there he kept messaging me to hurry home. I eventually got frustrated because he was acting strange and put off two of the homes that needed to be cleaned. I told him I was coming home. I got home 35 mins later due to traffic. Wh met me outside and immediately looked in the backseat. I knew instantly what he was doing. He was checking to see if the seats had been moved. He began interrogating me on my "actual" whereabouts and had me give him a play by play of how I spent my time. He kept staring at my neck and tried to claim I had what looked like hickeys??? I got angry, as this is certaintly not the first time he has done this, and when I did he seemed to lose it. He started sobbing, pleading with me to tell him if I am seeing anyone (I'm not!), and saying over and over "I'm sooo stupid. I'm sick babe, I need help." He then started to vomit. I was shocked. I've never seen him act like that before. Accusations, yes all the time but he seemed to have some sort of breakdown. He said he felt so guilty for what he did to me and now he has this gut feeling I am doing something wrong.

I feel so uneasy! We start counseling on Thursday but I don't even recognize him anymore! I'm starting to wonder if there isn't something seriously wrong with him. I don't know how to handle this. Is this something that is normal when someone feels extremely guilty? Is it a sign he is still be unfaithful? Or is this something more??? I'm at a loss. His behavior is so irrational!

I thought I was imagining the kooky stuff and villianizing him due to the infidelity but now I really think something is wrong.

Andthencraigslis posted 10/14/2013 09:18 AM

Honestly my first thought was he is accusing you because of his own shit. Then I read your profile, that is his pattern of behavior ... I think it is time to do some investigative work of your own. The bit with your stepson made me want to Do you have reason to suspect any underage issues with WH? Perhaps he is just desperate to accuse you of SOMETHING...

Nature_Girl posted 10/14/2013 09:23 AM

You need to meet with a lawyer immediately. Document this with someone immediately. He's possibly setting you up to be arrested for child molesting. I think you're in serious trouble.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 10/14/2013 09:25 AM

that is very odd...like VERY!

the only thing i could think of is my H has occasional panic attacks where he will flip out and be saying, come home now please! and has actually vomited from panic attacks.

is he on any meds?

bionicgal posted 10/14/2013 09:27 AM

Not sure how to offer support. . . He does sound troubled. Sometimes regular people get anxious, obsessive thoughts of a sexual nature that they need to relieve by "checking" to make sure they aren't true. His comment that he is "sick" makes me wonder if that isn't the case. He could have just gotten a fleeting thought that you were looking
At an inappropriate place, fixated on it, and then to relieve his anxiety, asked you about it. My guess is that it is an anxiety thing. Otherwise, if he thought it were really true, he'd be outraged, scared, and ticked off, right?

It doesn't mean he is mentally ill, but combined with his history of blaming you for things he is doing, it is at least a pink flag.

Glad he is going to counseling. . . Keep reaching out for support.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:32 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

hathnofury posted 10/14/2013 09:28 AM

I agree with NG and Andthen. He is projecting his shit on you, and possibly setting you up to take the focus off him. It sounds like he was molested as a child, he's acting out sexually with others, he could potentially be molesting his own children or grooming them for inappropriate things, and is at the very least gaslighting you so you don't notice and very worst framing you for something to throw the scent off his illegal activities. Get a lawyer, ASAP. Tell his XW to get the kids to a counselor to be evaluated, or call the school counselor and give them a heads up.

Something is very very wrong with this picture.

[This message edited by hathnofury at 9:30 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

refuz2bavictim posted 10/14/2013 09:31 AM

"I'm sooo stupid. I'm sick babe, I need help." He then started to vomit.

This would really cause my alarm bells to go off. That's a pretty visceral reaction.

I don't know what the source of this behavior is, but for self protection I too, would get this documented.

Maybe he has done something that he fears is about to be exposed. Irrational behavior is hard to explain, so regardless of what it is...I'd take him at his word. Whatever he means by "stupid, sick and needs help" means you need to protect yourself.

solus sto posted 10/14/2013 09:37 AM

I'm sick babe, I need help.
I don't know what is causing your husband's behavior---but I'd take him at his word.

He's sick.

He needs help.

I hope to God that he's not projecting onto you. I hope he's never even glanced at a child's genitalia in a sexual manner. I hope he's done NONE of the things he's ever accused you of doing.

But take him at his word.

He's sick.

He needs help.

Help him get it, and if he will not, ask him to leave until he does. (I know this is hard; I have done it.)

And in the meantime, do talk with a lawyer. I think he may be setting you up.

(((((cll)))) I'm really sorry.

ETA: In your shoes, I'd postpone MC. MC with a sick spouse is futile. I'd ask that he set himself up with IC, and do the same.

MC is for remorseful people who are capable of gathering tools to improve their relationships.

He is not properly equipped. And unequipped, he can cause you tremendous damage.

ETA: I disagree that a "normal" person (and I don't like that term, but it was used upthread) might develop an obsessive thought of a child-related sexual nature, vomit as a result of panic, and "need to check" to validate that the obsessive thought is not true.

No. That is unhealthy behavior, and the person exhibiting it is sick. Now, perfectly nice people become sick. Some get well. Some do not. Both need help.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:44 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

cl131716 posted 10/14/2013 09:52 AM

I can't stop thinking about the looking at his son thing. Like someone said I too hope he isn't projecting!!! I have a 7 year old daughter. It makes me sick to think something could have happened. Omg, I'm in such a panic right now. I've been so uneasy since those two conversations. My parents are attorneys and while I'd hate to involve them in all this, I feel like I have to!

Nature_Girl posted 10/14/2013 10:00 AM

Your parents are attorneys? Call them right now. You need to admit that this is bigger than you. Further, this isn't about you. This is about your children. Your daughter, for the love of God! Call your parents Tell them about this.

cl131716 posted 10/14/2013 10:31 AM

Naturegrl-I am!

circe posted 10/14/2013 10:43 AM

"I'm sooo stupid. I'm sick babe, I need help."

This was a cry for help. He wasn't controlling himself at that moment and this was a real message from inside himself, coming out.

Believe it.

I agree that an MC is not equipped to deal with this issue. This is not a marriage issue at its base. It is not a communication issue, or compromise issue. It's a WH issue, and one that goes deeper than the marriage.

He's gotten to the point where he knows he's sick and he knows it's out of his control - this is serious. Take it seriously and please get him IC help after you make moves to protect yourself and your children.

As far as the fact that he was surfing for porn that emphasized extreme age differences between the partners, and then coincidentally accused you of doing something that is so far from normal behavior that most people wouldn't even think in those terms much less imagine they see it, even less so imagine they see it in a completely innocent family moment with their spouse and children.

In these cases, as parents, we have to protect ourselves and children as if the worst case scenario is in play, and then adjust accordingly once we know what the reality is. If he's a loving father he'll be offended and defensive, but in the long run will understand any temporary protective measures you have to put in place until this is resolved.

Dark Inertia posted 10/14/2013 10:50 AM

It would be foolish of you not to involve your parents at this point. The son thing is way sick.

NeverAgain2013 posted 10/14/2013 10:52 AM

This man needs a complete psychoanalysis to find out what's horribly, horribly mentally wrong with him. He sounds unstable, paranoid and most importantly, creepy and frightening as HELL.

Good luck to you.

Nature_Girl posted 10/14/2013 10:52 AM

I have an additional suggestion. You need a VAR (voice activated recorder). You probably need several. But for sure you need one that you carry with you, on your person, at all times. EVERY time you have a conversation with your WH you need to be recording it. Whether it's admissible in court is not the point right now. It is possible that you could use the conversations simply as a negotiating tactic in the future.

You might also want to consider getting a nanny cam & setting it up in your daughter's bedroom.

My STBX is a SA. He is into, among other sick shit, teen rape. Lots of rape in all orafices, very young girls. As long as it's rape. I know how depraved people can be. What I didn't know was that my husband, the father of my children, is one of those depraved people. You need to really become a mother bear, Hon.

Ostrich80 posted 10/14/2013 12:17 PM

I think he just gave you a glance into his disturbed self. Cry for help. This is very disturbing to me, the remark about his son. That is so far out there, I think he's talking about himself.. How fortunate to have lawyers in your family, take advantage of it quickly. Hugs to you, I think things are going to bust open.

cl131716 posted 10/14/2013 12:35 PM

Ostrich-I have feeling it is as well. It's time for me to really be brave to protect my kids. I'm so scared right now but I can't ignore these things anymore. I thought maybe I was being paranoid but these are the facts. I needed these responses. I knew he was off, I knew something was wrong but I minimized it. I was too proud to admit the truth.

circe posted 10/14/2013 13:41 PM

When something shocking or disturbing like this happens and it's close to home I think part of the protective response is to try to normalize it. "I'm sure he meant..." and then add in something more normal, less frightening, to explain it away. So I think the fact that it reached the point where that normalization instinct can't compensate for what you're seeing and hearing, and when you're able to put your unease into words and ask for advice, on some level you know it's reached the tipping point and you reach for corroboration that yes, it's serious and yes, it's time to take action. I hope we can help you with that. Because from an outside view, yes it's serious and yes it's completely outside normal behavior. I'm sorry, and I know that this must be so distressing for you.

Nature_Girl posted 10/14/2013 14:04 PM

I've dealt with that same distorted sense of reality. When it goes on & on for an extended period of time it becomes your "normal". At that point you no longer have a normal sense of reality. I applaud you reaching out to try and determine if what you're seeing is "normal".

Now please take action. I can assure you that no one you speak to is going to think you're the crazy person. Take definitive action starting today. I

Iamacrab posted 10/14/2013 14:07 PM

I second what everyone is saying.
When my WH first started w OW he had the same reaction one day. I was driving an hr from work to pick him up "at work" - really was across the street at the bar where she was.
He was texting and texting saying he had to leave, I had to get there, etc.
5 min after he gets into our car and I'm driving, he projectile vomits everywhere. In the vents, over the dashboard, on himself, everywhere.
I believe it was a form of panic coming to the surface, as an "what have I done" moment.

I, too, find the other things you posted to be scary, and a definite need for help. Sending you many, many positive courageous vibes to help you deal with this.

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