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Gwintch posted 10/14/2013 09:11 AM

My story is long so I will spare some of the details. I was 5 months pregnant when I discovered pictures in my husbands email. I was only looking because it was midnight and he wasn't picking up my phone calls or answering my texts for hours so I suspected he was out with someone else. I did some more detective work and found out the pictures were from a coworker. He finally called me knowing how frantically upset I was he raced home to calm me and assured me they were just pictures and sexual texts nothing more. In my state of mind I wanted to believe him. He promised to never reach out to her again he wanted this to work etc. I of course believed him. We were about to give birth to our second child anyway. So we were determined to make it work. We started counseling he was quiet and let me do most of the talking. He told me he would let me know if he ever saw her in the office and promised me if she tried to contact him he'd let me know. Well of course he didn't. I went away for work and brought our daughter which left him alone. Of course I discovered texts from her. Nothing sexual but texts nonetheless that he didn't tell me about so of course I assume he was with her when we were trying so hard to get better. Anyway I still promised to try. I still love him and we were about to have another baby together. Fast forward to the birth of our child. We finally got to a place where I thought we were moving on and a week later he tells me he did in fact sleep with her and has an std. It's been 5 months since the news and I'm struggling. I love him but I can't stand him. I know he's been honest with me now but at my expense and I feel like if I make the decision to separate or get divorced I will ruin my kids lives and feel the guilt of that decision forever. There's also the part of me that knows how hard he's trying now and how regretful he is. He really has shown how much he cares and loves us but I'm so hurt. Any words if wisdom? Any reason why I shouldn't give up? I don't want to but this is so exhausting.

maddmurph posted 10/14/2013 09:36 AM

I'm there with you. I don't have any wise words (there other better people here who do). Just know you aren't alone.

silentheart posted 10/14/2013 10:50 AM

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I do not have any children so I don't have support to offer there but read through the forum topics and take advice and comfort from those with similar stories to yours. I do know that YOU are important in all of this and how you feel matters. Your husband is being very selfish and only thinking of himself. There is NO excuse for him to be in contact with her AT ALL - texts or anything. You have to make it clear to him where you stand and what you will not tolerate. He has to show true remorse and willingness to shut off all contact with her.

I am very sorry for the pain you are feeling. I know the inner turmoil you are dealing with of how bad you want it to work but at the same time feeling so sad, hurt, angry, betrayed and it is the worst feeling every.

Take care of yourself.

mepe27 posted 10/14/2013 11:26 AM

I had an infant and toddler when I found out and I think that was the main reason I was even willing to try to save our marriage when I found out. I was so hurt and at that point I couldn't see me ever trusting him again but because of my boys I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to make sure.

It was hard, that first year was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I think you need to focus on your H's actions, is he doing everything he can to ease your mind, make you feel safe in the relationship, and showing you that he is trustworthy? If the answer is yes than you have a lot to do to start healing yourself. I say that b/c in my experience a WS can assist you in healing but they can't fix you. I think that first year I started getting mad b/c my H wasn't fixing me, healing me, he can't. I had to see an IC and work thru the issues my H's affair caused, but I was the only one that could fix them ( sudden insecurity, unwillingness to trust/fear of trusting, anger, resentment and wanting to punish him) those are all things our WS can't fix.

So if your H is showing you, not telling, words mean nothing, but truly doing whatever you need to feel safe then the work starts with an IC and possibly MC if you need help learning how to communicate and sort thru issues. If your H doesn't know why he chose to have an affair and doesn't know how to handle boundaries with others or how to deal with whatever issue lead to his choice, IC for him for sure. Even if he says he'll never do it again, no way! if he hasn't dealt with what got him there in the first place, it's going to happen again, b/c he doesn't have an alternate way of coping.

I am positive a marriage can survive infidelity, we are doing great at 6 years, but it was really hard work, both people have to want to save it and make it better and be willing to work thru the bad stuff not "put it behind us" but face it head on and deal with it all. It's worth it, our marriage is better and I'm happy and he's happy and the kids are happier having two parents that are committed to each other and them, we weren't like that before the A, we were a mess but I didn't realize it at the time.

Gwintch posted 10/14/2013 11:35 AM

Wow. Thank you all so much. You've already made me start to feel better like I can survive all of this for myself and my family. He's definitely showing not just telling but you're right I have to get better and not expect him to fix me if I want this to work. Georgia thanks for being an example!