So, as we realize, an A is a supremely selfish act. I am of the camp that although the selfishness is obvious, the WHY of a person being that selfish deserves exploration.
I always knew that my H was selfish. I even brought it up calmly with him every now and then and he never denied it but did absolutely nothing to change. I knew that he had a crappy childhood (although not just HOW crappy). Everything was always about him and what he could get out of it. I just dealt with it, for the most part, although at times it did really bug me and also it bothered the kids. (they would say, "Dad, you are SO selfish!!" and he would shrug). Big things and little things. Little things like he would always want to try my food before his own at a restaurant, and always want a bite of my candy bar and then eat half. Big things like he didn't want to join in family game night or family outings unless it was something he particularly enjoyed.
Anyway. Since the A, when all of his lifelong defenses came down and the history of CSA came out he has done a 180. He is just so giving and generous now. This weekend it was so apparent. We went away, as tradition, up north to leaf peep and hike, bike, etc. He has a cold, but even so since he knew I wanted to hike he did this challenging hike to the best of his ability, even though it was killing him and never once complained. Every restaurant he was pushing me to take the last bite of whatever, sharing his food. Refused to take any of mine unless I pushed. Made a point to please me sexually twice a day even though he was tired.
I thanked him for all this, of course, and asked him if this would change when he felt he had done his "penance". He replied that no, he had really changed and this is who he is now.
And wow do I love it!