H and I made a fire in the fire pit and let the kids roast some marshmallows then put them to bed. We sat outside for a couple hours and just talked. A few huge things were discussed:
First that in 16 years he has never been there for me if I had a real problem. He always told me to call my mom or a friend and never once held me if I was crying or upset. He admitted to that and said he had his own problems and he didn't even know it therefore he had no idea how to deal with mine.
Secondly he asked me if I have seen changes in him and I said yes. He then said if I see anything in him start to pop up that is hurtful and reminds me of a past behavior he wants to know.
He also said he understands why I freak out that he works with all women and deals with women customers on a daily basis. He said he would feel the same way if roles were reversed and although he says I have nothing to worry about he understands it is rational and he will help me through it. (The A did not happen with a coworker btw)
We talked about how even getting married for him was all out of selfishness. His family was never there for him and he wanted his own family of people that would love and care about him - for a time of course because he was sure everyone in his life was out to hurt him. He admitted that all his life he was happy when people suffered because it made him feel not so alone. :(
We cried and laughed and went to bed and had amazing sex :). Progress is coming, slowly but it is there. Just a couple months ago he got upset not understanding why I would freak out over his work and if I ever said he was acting like his "old" self he would immediately become defensive and angry.
Our anniversary is this Friday and I have been weepy and anxious so our plan is to make another fire tonight and sit and talk more. He wants us both to write down any topics we feel need discussed.
Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".