Hey Chicho
I have been thinking about this a lot this past weekend.
I didn’t find SI until we were close to 5 years out, so maybe my healing would have been faster if I had some direction? I dunno. I was definitely on the 5 year plan.
For me, after year 2 which was difficult, as others mentioned, I found myself needing to address the crazies.
We had gone through plenty of digging, talking, unearthing FOO issues, IC….you name it. I got to a point where I knew I would be ok. But I still allowed myself to go to crazy places. I could set myself back with negative thoughts if I allowed my crazy brain to drive me. I could be in a puddle on the floor, full of doubt, making big out of small and creating a chaotic mess for myself.
It had become almost normal for me. But it was far from healthy and certainly not a normal I wanted to live in.
Through the last 3-4 years I have learned how to let go and accept. It took me a long time to do it. I had a spouse that did everything he could to make things right, to fix himself, to help me with my pain and to walk a path with me we would both be happy down.
I realized this part was about me, he couldn’t get here for me and it was unfair to continuously be holding him accountable for things he had no control over. I had to learn that I was enough, that I was good and worth him giving his all to me. I had to start to put into play all that I learned from my healing. Prior, I “knew” what I had learned, could tell you the answer to the question, but still wasn’t always living it.
I had to remove things that were not A related from my pain, if that makes sense. Not everything is A related, but in the first 1-2 years its as if everything is connected…I had to reverse that and only address A issues as A issues, not letting my life be the A issue…KWIM?
So I started to let go. I let go of the voice that would spin webs in my head. I ignored little nagging negative things that were really nothing.
I replaced them with action, a different kind of action since dday. I did positive things for my M, with my spouse, because I wanted to, not because I was escaping a trigger or trying to right a wrong. We began to live married again. I removed the A from my motives to do.
I was in my M because I wanted to be. I wasn’t in survival mode; I wasn’t fighting for my life.
We had won the fight, but I had to realize it was time to stop fighting and let things be.
The pain of the A is behind me, behind us. I don’t worry about him cheating; I don’t control him or his life. Right now, in this moment we both live respectfully and aware that what we do has an effect on the other. We communicate our wants, needs, frustrations with each other. Neither of us is right or wrong at any given moment, we are different. What one needs the other may not, but we both take into account that when the other is in need there needs to be attention given to that need.
We share everything, happiness, successes, failures, pain, doubts and fears. We ask each other for help, we both carry the load and occasionally carry more than our share when the other is tired.
We do this because we love each other, and we choose to fuel that love. We choose now to pay our marriage and our family the love, respect and attention it deserves.
It isn’t easy to get through but I can say that my life has a clarity it never had before. I don’t question the future, I am content with my past and I am able to go forward without fear holding me back.
For me, it’s an amazing place to be and I am eternally grateful. We were given a second chance and we both grabbed on and took it. I don’t ever take the blessing for granted.