I think it would be great to hear some hope to continue navigating the Plain of Leathal Flatness.
Can we ever truely be happy again?
[This message edited by Chicho at 10:54 AM, October 14th (Monday)]
You are on the path. I think the worst is behind you but the past is so scary it is hard to let go of. I was very much on the 5 year plan and found some relief in year 3.
Chicho - I also am in Year Two. It's been my experience that the second year has for the most part sucked way more than Year One.
I just keep remembering Dory from Finding Nemo... Just keep swimming, just keep swimming... and I know now that whatever the outcome is, I will be okay.
Divorce final 2/10/14.
Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.
My W still has issues to resolve, and they tie into her A.
I still have issues to resolve, and they impact our M. I still have feelings about W's A, but for the life of me, they seem minor - of course, I could be wrong. I think I'm back to normal, but 'normal' now accounts for residual pain from the A, the knowledge that my partner is in pain and has always been in pain without my recognizing it. I'm less joyful, but I'm in closer touch with reality, and I keep telling myself I'm better off that way.
(But something's been going on inside for a few weeks, but when I sit down to think it through, I get stuck very quickly.)
My overall view is doing the work of recovery makes our lives better. I don't think your mileage will vary from that.
ETA: and what lhap? says.
[This message edited by sisoon at 3:13 PM, October 14th (Monday)]
Year 2 just sucks.
Looking forward to this time next year to see where we are......hopefully it will just keep getting better. I think it will because a lot of the little things we've worked to change about ourselves seem to have become a habit now. We're more considerate, kinder and communicate respectfully when we feel something needs to be addressed rather than burying it to keep peace.
I found happy again.....at times, I even feel joy......
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!
Year 2 is hard. Harder than year one because the reality of what we have lost gets really heavy. The upside is that with acceptance comes a newfound ability to let go and move forward. Even if things in the M are still up in the air, your feet will start to feel more firmly planted in the ground. Year 3 is better.
BS here and I am at the beginning of year two R. Anyone with any suggestions on how I could bypass year two completely and go directly to year three
Married 23 years - together for 29 years
DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children
"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers
Like others I had read that year 2 was worse but I decided to avoid any possible self-fulfilling prophecy. I entered year two without any preconceived notion of how difficult it would be. Certainly there were difficult times but overall it was easier.
As I approach the end of year 3 I can say that it was much easier than year 1 and 2.
Fortunately, my Wh has worked harder than I during R. As my tagline says, he is putting 200% into it, as he should. This is probably why it was easier for me each year...he has never stopped trying to fix what he destroyed.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Life is, on the whole, better. I still think about the A but probably because I still lurk on here and that sometimes triggers me.
We are now a fully functioning couple. We've never been able to say that before.
Year 1= pain
Year 2= working out your M
Year 3= coming to terms with your new reality
Year 4 and so forth=being comfortable as a couple.
It's hard work R but can be so fulfilling when your spouse is truly remorseful.
I am happy, contented, alive and LOVING my life as well as my FWH
Stick at it. Oh- and to the poster who asked how to completely bypass year 2? There's always alcohol but my doctor advised against it! He said it would hurt my pocket probably more than my liver
[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 5:56 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]
I was wrong!
The wind came out of my sails quickly and I thought more about divorce in Year 2 than I ever did in Year One. The PLF hit hard. My husband worked his butt off to keep moving R forward because I was just too tired and apathetic to be bothered.
Something clicked in the last half of Year 2. I could feel the difference within myself. I knew I would make it regardless of the outcome.
Year 3 has improved upon that. We've built so many new and wonderful memories while the old sad ones have faded. The unhealthy dynamic has been replaced with a new healthier version.
Still a work in progress but the progress is visible to ourselves and others. And FWIW, we spend a lot of time together -- all day, most days -- and we haven't wanted to kill each other yet.......instead, we enjoy each other's company.
Many times I struggle with what to post on SI now because I'm not in that bad place anymore. It's getting harder to remember and relate to it.
So, it does get better. Hang in there.
t/j I'd love to be able to read Rebreather's hotel analogy again.
Year 3 has been spent reconnecting and discovering if a life together is really what we both want. I'm about 80% sure it is; I don't want to speak for him but I'd say he's around the same, percentage-wise.
I do know that the work I did in years 1-2 has made me very confident in my ability to finally participate properly in an adult relationship, for which I'm grateful regardless of XH.
Divorced and remarried to XBH
I have been thinking about this a lot this past weekend.
I didn’t find SI until we were close to 5 years out, so maybe my healing would have been faster if I had some direction? I dunno. I was definitely on the 5 year plan.
For me, after year 2 which was difficult, as others mentioned, I found myself needing to address the crazies.
We had gone through plenty of digging, talking, unearthing FOO issues, IC….you name it. I got to a point where I knew I would be ok. But I still allowed myself to go to crazy places. I could set myself back with negative thoughts if I allowed my crazy brain to drive me. I could be in a puddle on the floor, full of doubt, making big out of small and creating a chaotic mess for myself.
It had become almost normal for me. But it was far from healthy and certainly not a normal I wanted to live in.
Through the last 3-4 years I have learned how to let go and accept. It took me a long time to do it. I had a spouse that did everything he could to make things right, to fix himself, to help me with my pain and to walk a path with me we would both be happy down.
I realized this part was about me, he couldn’t get here for me and it was unfair to continuously be holding him accountable for things he had no control over. I had to learn that I was enough, that I was good and worth him giving his all to me. I had to start to put into play all that I learned from my healing. Prior, I “knew” what I had learned, could tell you the answer to the question, but still wasn’t always living it.
I had to remove things that were not A related from my pain, if that makes sense. Not everything is A related, but in the first 1-2 years its as if everything is connected…I had to reverse that and only address A issues as A issues, not letting my life be the A issue…KWIM?
So I started to let go. I let go of the voice that would spin webs in my head. I ignored little nagging negative things that were really nothing.
I replaced them with action, a different kind of action since dday. I did positive things for my M, with my spouse, because I wanted to, not because I was escaping a trigger or trying to right a wrong. We began to live married again. I removed the A from my motives to do.
I was in my M because I wanted to be. I wasn’t in survival mode; I wasn’t fighting for my life.
We had won the fight, but I had to realize it was time to stop fighting and let things be.
The pain of the A is behind me, behind us. I don’t worry about him cheating; I don’t control him or his life. Right now, in this moment we both live respectfully and aware that what we do has an effect on the other. We communicate our wants, needs, frustrations with each other. Neither of us is right or wrong at any given moment, we are different. What one needs the other may not, but we both take into account that when the other is in need there needs to be attention given to that need.
We share everything, happiness, successes, failures, pain, doubts and fears. We ask each other for help, we both carry the load and occasionally carry more than our share when the other is tired.
We do this because we love each other, and we choose to fuel that love. We choose now to pay our marriage and our family the love, respect and attention it deserves.
It isn’t easy to get through but I can say that my life has a clarity it never had before. I don’t question the future, I am content with my past and I am able to go forward without fear holding me back.
For me, it’s an amazing place to be and I am eternally grateful. We were given a second chance and we both grabbed on and took it. I don’t ever take the blessing for granted.
I think it's the reality of what my life has become that's weighing heavily on me. I have so much resentment that I find myself wishing he'd screw up so I'd have an excuse to leave.
I'm 4 months away from the magical year 3 to start. I do hope it gets easier.
I can see this thread getting bumped in the months and years ahead.
I think it will because a lot of the little things we've worked to change about ourselves seem to have become a habit now.
That is impt. Doing things differently so the new good stuff becomes habit. Like going to the gym.
I don’t question the future, I am content with my past and I am able to go forward without fear holding me back.
This made my nose tingle in a, "I hope that is me one day" kind of way.
Thanks again wise ones.