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beagleboy posted 10/14/2013 11:11 AM

I passed D-Day at the end of September, and I think things have been going well. Back in March found out that my wife had an A with a co-worker for about a month and change. It took two days to get the truth from her, but she finally admitted to everything after I told her that the cell phone company was sending me a dump of her texts for the last two months (obviously they didn't). We had a tense discussion to decide what we were doing, and she had wanted to fix our marriage which was what I wanted. We immediately began counseling, but about a month into therapy, I found out that they still had contact via an e-mail system set up by the OM, and this was the first time in my life I wanted to commit violence against another human being (OM). My wife showed me that the communication had ended almost as soon as it had started, and this POS had no regrets or shame- my wife told me that when she went to end everything after we began counseling, his response was "well, I guess I'll just go back to my regular life"! I was told by my friends and by my counselor not to contact the OM because it would just open wounds and that the OM might try to re-establish contact again just for spite.I've never run from conflict in my life, but this is what I was doing. We wound up selling our house and moving 100 miles away because we both wanted a fresh start (we had both quit our jobs- she on D-Day and me a couple months later). I finally texted the OM a couple of months ago through an old email address. I sent a message about the affair and didn't use our names to see the response, and his first question was "who is this"! How many mens' wives have you slept with? I admitted to the contact at our session, and my wife was clearly embarrassed to discover that this guy who told her he loved her (she admitted that they used the L word) had basically played her all along, and she obviously wasn't the only one.
So the reason that I pass all this along is to tell you folks that there is a future. At this point, we have been rebuilding our lives- new jobs and a new outlook on our future together. Our dysfunctional sex life is vastly different, more "normal" than ever. We've revisited our "friendships" with others- the people who knew what happened were very supportive, while some people we considered very good friends too a "hands-off" approach when we told them we were having marriage problems. The end result - we are a stronger couple with a great support system in place.
I have to admit that I did a lot of spying on my wife in the months after the A came out, and she has always stood up to my scrutiny - I've searched her computer, her cell phone and never found a thing since D-Day. After 5 months of spying, I have reeled it back. I am wary but not paranoid as I was back at the first few months. I would welcome feedback, and I am happy to discuss further, so feel free.

silentheart posted 10/14/2013 13:35 PM

I just typed out a long message to you and hit the wrong button and lost it!! I will have to sum up what I said. Just in reading your post it sounds like your story might be one of the ones that has a good ending. First I'm sorry for all you went through but it sounds like things are better and that is good sign since it is just 6 months since DD. My DD was in July 2012 but I just found this site last week. This past year has been TOUGH. We are working towards R but it has been rocky and my BF just recently said he wanted to do whatever it took to help me heal b/c I think he finally realized the toll this has taken on me in every aspect of my life. I found out by logging in to a 2nd email account he had but guessing the password. When I first approached him with everything he denied it until I started speaking the details and then he showed remorse for like 4 hours with both of us in tears and him not wanting to lose me. The next morning he had the nerve to call me and say "I'm going to try and be calm and not lose my temper but how did you get in to my email". He threatened me with this for months saying it was illegal and I could get in big trouble. So all I have to go off of is his word and have not been able to check anything out since original DD. We spend lots of time together and he tells me he loves me so much and wants to be with me forever, etc etc. He closed his FB account and stopped going to the bars. So yes he made some changes but I worry about hidden emails, texts and instant messaging chats. I hate all of this! I wish I had confirmation that he wasn't still talking to her but I don't know how to get that. I'm sorry for all you went through but I truly wish you happiness and hope all goes well.

LosferWords posted 10/14/2013 21:38 PM

Hi beagleboy. It definitely sounds like things are going in the right direction with your relationship.

It's perfectly normal to go through a period of hyper-vigilance and spying. It's always okay to go back and double check on things at any time, too. Like you, I ended up dropping the majority of my spying after several months of not finding anything new. Another key when it comes to this is to listen to your gut.

The fact that you went into counseling immediately is a good thing.

Not everyone can do it, but I think uprooting and moving is probably a very good positive as well, especially with the OM being a co-worker.

Best of luck to you, and keep us posted on how things progress!

beagleboy posted 10/15/2013 09:59 AM

There was a period of about a month where my wife continued to work at the same place. She had assured me that they only had to have contact once a day in public with other workers. We had started counseling three days after DD, and I thought we were doing well. About a month in, I discovered an email exchange where my wife told OM that she needed to see him the day I was having a medical procedure. I went ballistic, but my wife showed me the exchange - it was the day she told him she wanted him to stay away and that they were done. Based on what he said in the e-mails it made sense. She also offered to quit her job that same day, which I agreed to. I called the therapist the day I went nuts, and he asked if my wife could come alone. I knew it was so that he could get her straightened out, and that was the last time we ever had any issues related to the OM. What really got me was that in the e-mail exchange, when my wife tells OM she wants to see him while I'm at the doctor, his first response is "how much time do you have?" Yet another sign of what a lowlife douche the OM is. During therapy it came out that this period between DD and the day of my procedure was a confusing time for my wife, and I understood after she started talking in therapy. The OM gave her this e-mail method to maintain contact outside of the texting (the way I discovered the A), and his reassurance was "this way we can talk if you need to". No conscience, and I really wanted to go to the company and beat the living crap out of him - definitely two broken knees.
Like I said previously, I am confident there is no more contact between them - she was certainly angered by his nonchalant response to her telling him what a mess our lives were because of the A. I watched my wife crawl on the floor hysterical telling me how sorry she was on more than one occasion. The only thing that kind of bothers me is that she no longer discusses it, but I know her way of doing things involves not looking back, and I get it. I'm not saying that I want to relive events, but I know that I still have it in my head at times so I'm sure she does. I'm not quite sure what I expect from her, but she seems to be doing everything she can to make me feel special. Moving helped as well - away from all the visual cues like the motel they went to, the place she worked, etc. I think we are on the right path, and I guess I just look for reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.