"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

sunandmoon posted 10/14/2013 11:22 AM

Okay. I couldn't even come up with a Topic Title for this easily...

"B" has been my very close friend for the last ten years or so. We would generally talk on the phone every day, go out once a week, consult on all things- good times/bad times. In the last six months or so many things have changed in her life. She got a D, is dating (and basically living with someone) who is more than ten years younger than her (nearly 20 years younger than I am), has embraced a lifestyle that has been more and more a part of her life over the course of the last eighteen months or so (now it is central second only to her BF).

This is a person who I would have once shared anything and everything with. Who I could and would say anything to. Now I feel uncomfortable around her. I go days without any contact or a very minor text converation. I see her once or twice a month. When I do see her I leave feeling the weight of how much I feel disconnected from her.

I blew it off thinking it was a number of things- first the rough ride of accepting that she was in this relationship she is in now and that it started before she asked her H for a D (the A is really not central which is why I did not post this to General. Then it was the lifestyle change- she is very connected to her active liefstyle and seems to discount anyone who does nto subscribe to the same lifestyle. Now I am starting to face the fact that I may just not like who she has become through all of these changes. She is vain, she mimics her BF's beliefs and behaviors (not so becoming or appropriate when you consider the age difference and the fact that she has kids that are just a few years younger than the BF), she is thoughtless/careless of other people which is the thing that bothers me the most becuase she was always so caring in the years I have known her.

Now comes the part where I throw myself under the bus-

Is it me? Am I just jealous of her new love, her weightloss/physical fitness (I am the heaviest I have ever been despite no diet change or reduction in excercise), her moving on to a new life?

I really do not know. And I feel like I should just tell her how I feel but part of me wonders if this is just a phase that I need to ride out?

Thoughts? Anything?

sunandmoon

Deeply Scared posted 10/14/2013 12:10 PM

sunandmoon...

There were several negative things that you pointed out about her character and personally I know I wouldn't want to be around someone like that (her...not you).

Sometimes we just out-grow our friends. It happens and it's not necessarily always a bad thing either. People change...sometimes for the better and sometimes not so better. I think we owe it to ourselves to determine who is emotionally healthy to stay in our lives.

Vein, thoughtless, careless...those are traits I would not want in a friend.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this...go slow and try to look from the outside in

sunandmoon posted 10/14/2013 12:56 PM

DS-

Thank you for your thought.

I get what you are saying. If I met her for the first time today I would not cultivate a relationship with her (or I doubt I would). I guess I am not ready to write it off because I have invested years and her in me. And because I see her BF as being such an influence on her behavior. I guess it is a question of who is the real "B" this person I am seeing now or the one I have known for years??

sunandmoon

Deeply Scared posted 10/14/2013 13:00 PM

I completely understand not wanting to write it off.

Since you have such a deep bond with her, do you think you could sit down and talk to her about what you've been noticing/feeling? Maybe if you shared your feelings with her she may be able to help mend the problem

Undefinabl3 posted 10/14/2013 13:51 PM

As a BFF my first reaction is....what Koolaid is this guy giving her that would turn her away from me?

My friends and I from high school ebb and flow with our lives, but none of us have ever pulled away so dramatically that we are uncomfortable with each other.

I would be more concerned that she is trying so hard to be with this guy, that she is forgetting the really important parts. It sounds like to me that she has changed who she is to fit in with this younger guy, rather then to be accepted by the guy as an older woman.

Either way, she has sacrificed her friendship and maturiety for it.

Is it me? Am I just jealous of her new love, her weightloss/physical fitness (I am the heaviest I have ever been despite no diet change or reduction in excercise), her moving on to a new life?

Maybe, but i doubt it. Other then the healthy weightloss part, what part of her life are you really that jealous off?

If you start to lose weight JUST to be friends with her, then you are really in no better shape then she is doing all that she's doing to fit in with her boyfriends crowd.

I really do not know. And I feel like I should just tell her how I feel but part of me wonders if this is just a phase that I need to ride out?

Would you want to be there when this new relationship comes to an end? Keep tabs on her, say hi every once in a while, but dont set your watch by her.

When you invite her, don't expect her to show up....but you never know if you really want to stay friends, just chill....see what happens.

sunandmoon posted 10/14/2013 14:16 PM

In terms of the weight loss and fitness thing. Here's the deal. She was overweight/not fit for most of our friendship. I was up and down but at times on the thin side (thinnest post dday but also with diet and personal trainer) and frankly I never saw it as a cernterpiece to the relationship. I am and have always been supportive of her journey. But now it defines her. It's all about her workout, eating "clean", almost that she is better than others because of that. And I just wonder- how would she have felt if all of those years I was judging her? Only basing my friendship on how she looked?

In terms of lowering herself (if you call it that, not sure how I should phrase it) to her BFs level I would have to agree. She sees him as "very mature" but I see a twenty something guy- thinks 24/7 sarcasm is charming/funny, no sentence is complete with out at least one curse word or another and the best way to be is his way. Pretty normal for someone who really has not lived. Does not have kids and understand why that can be an all encompassing priority, does not own a home so cannot related to that committment and has not been married and cannot see why people might think that is something that is sacred.....

SIGH. I get as I write this it seems simple- cut her off. But I feel sick today. Just really lost.

sunandmoon

sunandmoon posted 10/14/2013 21:12 PM

Ok- maybe it isn't just me. Her sister reached out to me tonight to say many of the same things...

Audrina posted 10/14/2013 22:02 PM

I would not cut her off.
You guys have a history and from what I understood in her post she has been a support for you in the past.

It just sounds that she is going through some life changes right now and trying to find her way. Divorce does that to a person.

I don't see anything wrong with having a talk with her, ask some questions.

[This message edited by Audrina at 10:03 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

sunandmoon posted 10/15/2013 08:41 AM

Audrina and all-

I think it does make sense to talk through a rough patch in a freindship. But there has to be a mutual purpose to the conversation and I don't see that happening here. She does not want to hear that she has changed, or that the people who have loved and stood by her always feel alienated at least and completely fed up at most.

I have resolved to put this to the side for now. I have a lot on my plate for the next several weeks and my energy belongs there.

I do so appreciate everyone's perspective!!

sunandmoon

NaiveAgain posted 10/15/2013 10:40 AM

I have resolved to put this to the side for now.

That is how I would handle it. It sounds to me like she is feeling really good about herself for the first time (maybe ever) in her life and it has gone to her head. That can change how she views things and the change may be temporary or it may be permanent.

SO I don't think it is necessary to completely write her off, but I would give the friendship a break, just check in with her every once in a while to see how she is doing (and if she is starting to get over herself and her new body/boyfriend/lifestyle yet) or if she is making this a permanent new change.