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User Topic: Opinions please
Myname
♂ 23138
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So the last month or so I've been getting more and more depressed. I have been somewhat distant and not myself with SO. Depression is not uncommon for me at this time of year (SO knows this).

My cutting the last few weeks has increased to every 5-7 days. I was only cutting every 4-6 weeks. I'm starting to want to isolate more and more. I've started having suicidal thoughts too. Not to act on anything but more along the lines of I wouldn't care if I died tomorrow. This is all "normal" for me at this time of year and typically gets worse as the winter rolls on (lots of trigger dates and no work distraction).

I've talked to SO and told her that I've been depressed and that's why I'm not myself but it is still causing some issues with us. I haven't told her the full extent of my depression because I don't want to burden her as she has a lot on her plate right now. So she doesn't know that the cutting has increased or just how depressed I actually am.

I don't want to be lying to her but I also don't want to add to her stress level. I feel like she's right on the edge herself and I don't want my issues to be the thing that sends her into a tailspin.

How do I deal with this? I want to be honest with her but don't want to stress her out. She knows that I've attempted suicide before and have had some close calls with the cutting so telling her about it will make her very nervous and stressed.

Sometimes I wonder if I should even be dating. She doesn't deserve this kind of stress.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long have you been dating this SO? Are you Separated or Divorced? (it looks like Separated.... are you in the process of D?) It sounds like you should probably be spending some time for yourself in IC and working on yourself than being in a relationship so that you can get to a healthy place in your life where no matter what time of year it is, that you are "for the most part" okay... ya know? D day for me was November 15th, 2009... and Christmas that year was awful....and then my D was final the following December 13th! BUT..... I still love this time of year... and it doesn't affect me in that way anymore. I ran my 1st marathon on what would have been my 6th wedding anniversary! You need to "re-claim" this time of year for YOU and turn it into a positive thing! Make new memories and stomp out the old ones! You can do it... I'm not sure if you SHOULD do it in a relationship.... but if you are bound and determined to do so.... the best policy is honesty... and if your SO loves you, she will appreciate it and she will be understanding, sensitive, and receptive to your needs and feelings during this difficult time for you. That's what a loving and communicative relationship is like.... or so I've heard!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 11:58 AM, October 14th (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Myname
♂ 23138
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long have you been dating this SO?

We have known each other for almost 2 years now and started dating this last February. Just to say she knew about all my issues before we started to date.

Are you Separated or Divorced?

S since December 2010. Working on D.

I've been going to IC for 6 months now.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I should have said all that in my original post.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not trying to be nosy....but why is the D taking so long? You don't have any kids right? My XWH fought me and I had to get a lawyer and everything but my divorce was final pretty quick...between filing and end date....8 or 9 months...but in my state without kids...its 6 months ...if you have kids its a year... That sucks that you are still going through a D all this time later! I'm so sorry!

I know that a lot of people here (including me because I made the mistake of doing it) believe that you shouldn't date until you are D and have had time to heal from everything. I rebound dated...and ended up preggo from that relationship... and now am a single mom. He's not in my daughter's life AT ALL. I started dating her sperm donor just 2 weeks post-D and had a player use me and poof on me while separated. Just try to tread lightly.....you are still very vulnerable... I've been in IC now almost 2 years.....and I can't say I'm 100% healed....but I'm well on my way! It just takes time!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 1:17 PM, October 14th (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Myname
♂ 23138
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D has taken so long partially because I was too stubborn to file. I have a L at this point and all the paperwork has been filled out. I have a verbal agreement with WW on how to separate things but all of her stuff is at my house. So once I file, I have 2 months to get it all out.

I have no one to help me move it all and some of it is heavy. I am working a lot of hours and simply don't have the time to move it all out myself. And I DO NOT want her or any of her "friends" to come here to move it out.

I'm a landscaper and I will not be working soon so I will have the time to move her stuff in the winter.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((myname))

Don't allow yourself to be isolated. Sometimes, I have to force myself to be around other humans - it helps. On the weekends, I'll go to a movie or go into the city to a museum.

Anything to uplift the spirit and bring some small joy into my life.

I know that your work slows down at this time of year, and you need to fill your time. It appears to me that you're filling your time with activities that aren't good for you.

I keep telling myself that life is so short - I can spend my time here living, or I can spend it hating myself.

While I feel that you need to be honest with your SO, I can see that you don't want to burden her with your issues.I can't really help you there - I think you need to work on YOU, and the relationship stuff will follow.

Heading into the holiday season sucks. I get that.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7862 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ETA:

Pay someone to move her shit into storage. I understand that you don't want her or her "friends" at your house, but seriously - Fuck that.

You've been more than kind about being the storage facility. Sever that tie. Be done with her.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7862 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand about not wanting to burden your SO, but isn't that kinda withholding information? Who knows...maybe by telling her you will release some of the tension and actually feel better. She may be blaming herself for you pulling away.

I think posting on SI is a good way to get it out too. Journaling. Can you volunteer at a local botanical gardens for the winter? Just to get out of the house and around people and things you like to do.

Isolating is never good. I am an introvert and have to sometimes force myself to get out among people and friends. I can be a little too happy just watching a movie alone since going out takes effort for me.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4279 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if you went and stayed with SO (or in her town at least) until spring when you go back to work?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13928 | Registered: Jul 2011
Myname
♂ 23138
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if you went and stayed with SO (or in her town at least) until spring when you go back to work?

I've actually thought of doing that but it would mean having to stay in a hotel which would be really expensive. I can't stay at her place. She has kids and part of her D says that there are no "sleep overs" before M.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you looked into monthly rentals?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13928 | Registered: Jul 2011
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pay someone to move her shit into storage. I understand that you don't want her or her "friends" at your house, but seriously - Fuck that.

You've been more than kind about being the storage facility. Sever that tie. Be done with her.

^^^^THIS! Yeah.....get her shit out! She should have to pay for storage....its hard for you to move on with her crap lingering in your home. Plus, I really think you need closure and this would be a good first step in that direction from your M.

I had to move in with my dad for a year after my D and put my things in a storage unit and pay for it.... you do what you have to do. Its a D....not a festival! You have no reason to do her any favors going forward!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 2:23 PM, October 14th (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Myname
♂ 23138
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you looked into monthly rentals?

No. I hadn't really thought of it. I might look into it though. If for nothing else to get a feel for how our relationship would be if I was actually living close by and not so far away. I really do nothing all winter so I could spend a month near her.

I know I need to get her stuff out of my house. It is taking up an entire room. I actually have someone that works for me that I could pay to help me move the stuff out. My only issue is that he isn't very strong and I think may have a problem lifting some of the stuff. I just hate paying to move her stuff.

SO even offered to help. She thought it would be funny for her to mark the boxes b/c the writing would clearly be a "girls writing" and not mine.

I know I got to get the D final. I just feel like I'm balancing so many things sometimes.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just hate paying to move her stuff.

Garbage. Removal. Fee.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13928 | Registered: Jul 2011
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it sounds like abandoned property that you could sell in a garage sale


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3203 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
peacelovetea
♀ 26071
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Myname, my bigger concern than telling your SO (which, to be clear, I do also think you should do) is have you told your IC? These are highly concerning behaviors that s/he needs to know about. Its great that you have insight into the fact that its happening, now its time to get into the ways in which this behavior is functioning for you and why you are triggering at this time of year.

Along that lines, I would also be upping your Vitamin D dosage, and making sure you are maintaining your exercise, and checking into a lightbox if you don't have one. This time of year there could be a physiological reason for part of your decline. Get that reversed and the more psychological part will be easier to manage. You may also want to consider AntiDs if you aren't already on them, or upping your dose if you are. Again, you need to support the physiological. Be sure you are taking care of yourself -- sleep, eating well. And not letting yourself isolate is part of that too!

You may also want to look at alternative sources of work for the winter to keep your self-confidence up and give you a reason to function day to day. Going where there are people you want to see and things you enjoy is a good step too, maybe you can combine those things. I wonder how much of your depression at this time is simply out of boredom and loss of a sense of competence from not working. (and its probably not ever just one of these things, so you need to address them all, unfortunately).

I hope you can get back to the progress you were making soon, myname. We believe in you!


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ps any more pumpkins in the works this year?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13928 | Registered: Jul 2011
Myname
♂ 23138
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

peacelovetea,

IC does know about the recent increased frequency in the cutting and depression. I have a very difficult trigger day coming up and instead of my normal every 2 week appointment I will be meeting with IC 2 weeks in a row with the trigger day in the middle.

I'm a landscaper and get a lot of exercise and sunlight. I eat very healthy and will be taking vitamin D over the winter as well as working out 2-3 hours a day when my work slows up.

The winter is hard b/c that is when the A all went down. I'm not on AD's.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
Myname
♂ 23138
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS any more pumpkins in the works this year?

I actually did a pumpkin for my brothers company. They had seen the Spider-man pumpkin and wanted one with the company name. It was their name, slogan and logo. I can't really post it here for obvious reasons but it came out really good. I think it took 14 hours or something.

The CEO of the company hired me to powerwash his driveway so we will see if I end up getting anymore work out of it. Just to say, this CEO's house was well over a million $$$. It was pretty cool to be working there.

I do have another pumpkin that I want to do but work has been so busy I don't really have the time to do it. I'm really going to try and do it though.


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
Pentup
♀ 20563
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you doing? Praying for you.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6717 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Topic Posts: 32
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