I can not believe five years have flown by.
So many horrible days have occurred and so many wonderful as well, i think it may be 50/50 at this point.
BH and I are surviving infidelity.
He has developed some very healthy habits and activities to replace the alchoholic activity.
I am still struggling with developing healthy relationships outside of my home/work life in the way of hobbies and such.
But my real struggle is feeling true remorse for what I have done. I have remorse for what I have done to my children, i just can not honestly say at this point I feel remorse for what I did to BH. I regret my choices because of the person I was, I hate that I have done this to me and my life, but to feel real sadness for what my BH is struggling with is hard for me.
About 6 months ago I just decided to go through the motions of remorse, read up on what it is (vs not) and have been kind of faking it til I make it, but its not where I want to be. I am realizing that my inability to forgive my BH for pre affair issues is such a brick wall in the progression of our healing as a couple. I think I have forgiven the past, and moved on but I havent because if I had, then I am sure I would be able to stop the negative thoughts I have towards him. Especially when we are in the heat of a discussion about the A. I don't say anything to defend my actions, because there are no defenses. BUT, its like I am always saying in my mind, you got what was coming to you....and this needs to stop. I really have to deal with my anger towards him. Sometimes I think that his behavior was a deal breaker for me and that is why I feel stuck.
I am in a support group trying to get to the point of letting go of our past in actions, not just words.
I really want to be able to talk about my A without the internal justification rattling off in my head.
BH sees major changes in me, but they are due to my efforts to get through for him and our children, to keep it all together. To demonstrate that I have changed, that I am going to continue to live the authentic life we have been building together.
Maybe, I am realizing this right now I really want him to give my more than he can right now, in the area of emotional support.
I used to think my A was a deal breaker for him, but I can see now that it is not, and because I believe that people can change, perhaps I need to extend the same grace to him and he is trying to extend to me...
It's sooooo complicated!!!