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beyondsad posted 10/14/2013 12:19 PM

I found out thru a friend a really good mutual friendd of ours carried on flirting and touching with my husband 3yrs ago. She said she it ended when she got married ( we attended). My H had a A 5 yrs ago and this friend new what we went thru. Our realtionship is ok but this throws me for a loop. It is to late to say anything yet I am sick inside, re-living everything. Looking back I do remember thinking that my friend was a being to familar with my H but she has always been a flirty look at me kinda girl.

The part that get hard is both of these friends have been good friends to me. The only reason my one friend told me was she said it has been eating her up and she felt she had to tell me . Now this had all been 3 yrs ago so what the hell do I do with this infor now.

Truly posted 10/14/2013 12:32 PM

Hi Beyondsad,

I feel your pain. When new AP's appear after years your heart gets blown apart again and your chest gets tight, but what do you DO?

This happened to me earlier this year and I still don't know what to do. I know I'm boiling mad and hurt but if it's years ago and things are better...

And when it involves 'friends' as well?
Is it time to ask your husband for more honesty? It can't be too late to say anything, this is your marriage too. He needs to know you're hurting.
Is she still your 'friend'? Secrets and lies eat away at relationships, time for the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

In my case I have tried to ask, got nothing (other than the fact that I would like her because she's so like me ) she's not! Grr

So I wonder if finding out about another OW now is my real deal breaker...

MovingUpward posted 10/14/2013 12:32 PM

I can see how this reopens the wounds and casts new doubts. Did he ever give you a timeline or claimed to have told you everything about his inappropriate behavior no matter whom it was?

breakingpoint posted 10/14/2013 12:32 PM

I would ask your husband about it. You can't R if you have unresolved issues and fear of secrets. Even if it happened a long time ago, you deserve to know exactly what happened and how his approach to women has changed (or not changed) since then.

callmecrazy posted 10/14/2013 12:41 PM

So sorry you are having old wounds poked at and having to endure new info. For 1, it is not too late to say anything, you just found out that not only did he conduct himself like that, he continued to hide and lie after going through the 1st A with you. Im sure his behavior was on the list of things he knew he could not do and he chose to do it to you, with your "friend" and then play house with you like he was a good boy in R.

If you feel certain that it was a singular incident, you can and should talk to him, you know it will just eat at you if you do not. However, if you question other actions now, maybe you should do a little digging, but only you know your H's actions and can make that call. Im not suggesting you dig and dig if you truly think things are good, because 3 years ago it is entirely possible things are going better now.

As for the friends, also your call. I would find it hard to consider someone a freind if they were willing to behave that way with my husband knowing they could devastate me and my family if I knew.

((beyondsad)) The people who should have your back and want you happy unfortunately are the ones who are carelessly throwing the knives in your back as you walk away.

I hope that if you do approach your husband he is remorseful and supportive of you being hurt and handles it without trying to downplay his actions.

beyondsad posted 10/14/2013 13:27 PM

Thank you so much for the responses. The bottom line is I am so disappointed that my husband is "that guy". The guy who flirts and is just a piece of shit. No amount of talking or explaining is gonna change that he's "that guy".

If I could do it over after finding about his affair five years ago I would file for divorce immediately! The flirty girl who I thought was my friend I have not talked to yet, but she will no longer be my friend.

My calling them out will only be a scene. I think I am at the done part now.

SisterMilkshake posted 10/14/2013 13:54 PM

She said she it ended when she got married ( we attended).
Isn't that just super special sweet? Its okay to fuck around with your marriage, but she isn't going to fuck around with hers?
The flirty girl who I thought was my friend I have not talked to yet, but she will no longer be my friend.
If you ever feel you need to tell the "friend" some of your thoughts of her, I feel that would be fine. Since she is a mutual friend there will be opportunities were you will probably be at the same place. The absolute total ignoring of someone really does speak louder than words sometimes. To look right through them as if they aren't even there.

beyondsad posted 10/14/2013 14:15 PM

There are so many things I would like to say to my flirty friend! BUT our mutual friend that told me would be dragged in the middle and with 3yrs since this happened not sure if I would get the real truth from her or H.

It just proves the old saying for some men once a cheater always a cheater! Hope karma gets them both.

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