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Sam793 posted 10/14/2013 12:22 PM

I totally understand the roller coaster. I understand there will we ups and downs. One thing I don't do is ride the downslope knowing that we will be heading on the upslope soon. Each and every time I take the downslope at face value believing we will crash at the bottom.

I care greatly about my BW and how she feels. I've never been good a displaying this. My BW thinks I don't care and that the only reason I want to be with her still is because of our children. Not true at all. Children or no children I'd still want to be with her. I needed to deal with my issues and identify why I did what I did and I've come closer and closer to this and every day things make me understand more why I did this.

I also have found that during an experiment while trying figure out why I had an affair that my AD's are causing me to forget things more then normal. I stopped taking them which of course altered my attitude but made my mind think clearer. Going back on them made me forget what I was going to talk about to my BW. She calls bull but it's honestly the truth.

I'm going to work on this. My marriage and my BW is worth it. Roller coaster or not my BW needs peace any way she can get it. I just need to figure out how that is.

losingmyground posted 10/14/2013 13:05 PM

Yeah the roller coaster really sucks. But you need to try and be the positive one. Right now everything negative is running through her head. It's your job to help her through it.

Sam793 posted 10/14/2013 19:03 PM

I wish I could be positive all of the time but it's like when I try too hard things crash and burn. For example I try and help out each morning before I got to work for afternoon shift. I was looking forward to it tomorrow until I get a fax a few minutes ago requiring me to come to work for 10 am. Now we all are disappointed. It's hard to be positive all of the time when negative things happen.

cluless posted 10/20/2013 15:37 PM

WS here, am VERY familiar with the roller coaster. It's a ride that you have NO control over and seems to have a mind of it's own.

I also feel that my WH is only sticking around out of obligation. I believe us WS's feel this way because of the messages we've received from our WH's. I know that during the A, my WH was cold, distant and I felt completely disconnected from him. I write in my journal daily, I would read about my thoughts during the time, how scared I was that I was losing my husband, how lonely I was, etc. What WH don't seem to "get" is that you NEVER get away with an A. Even if your WS NEVER finds out, it affects the relationship negatively. I often think why... why would this man that I thought loved me turn his back on me, his family and act in such a way that shows total disregard to vows we took?

In answer to "why" you had the A, it was because you could. I've had many opportunities and I thought of the consequences. IF I got caught, how would it affect my husband, children, is it worth it? Even at my most miserable times with my WH, I made a vow. We are all adults, we all make choices, what makes one person more selfish than the next is anyone's guess. You have only yourself that is in control of your behavior. I think of it like this... if my WH was standing next to me would I say, or do.... if the answer is no, then your out of line. If you're not happy in the marriage and there is no way to resolve it. Then finish it up, leave it, THEN start a new relationship. If everybody followed those simple morale judgments, there would be no roller coaster, or emotions that are so conflicting and upsetting that it changes who you are.

My advice, if you truly love your wife and want this to work, bend over backwards, sideways, UNTIL.... Put your needs away, you've had yours met, now it's HER's turn. Really dig deep why the A was worth the risks. You might be surprised what you discover.