WS here, am VERY familiar with the roller coaster. It's a ride that you have NO
control over and seems to have a mind of it's own.
I also feel that my WH is only sticking around out of obligation. I believe us WS's feel this way because of the messages we've received from our WH's. I know that during the A, my WH was cold, distant and I felt completely disconnected from him. I write in my journal daily, I would read about my thoughts during the time, how scared I was that I was losing my husband, how lonely I was, etc. What WH don't seem to "get" is that you NEVER get away with an A. Even if your WS NEVER finds out, it affects the relationship negatively. I often think why... why would this man that I thought loved me turn his back on me, his family and act in such a way that shows total disregard to vows we took?
In answer to "why" you had the A, it was because you could. I've had many opportunities and I thought of the consequences. IF I got caught, how would it affect my husband, children, is it worth it? Even at my most miserable times with my WH, I made a vow. We are all adults, we all make choices, what makes one person more selfish than the next is anyone's guess. You have only yourself that is in control of your behavior. I think of it like this... if my WH was standing next to me would I say, or do.... if the answer is no, then your out of line. If you're not happy in the marriage and there is no way to resolve it. Then finish it up, leave it, THEN start a new relationship. If everybody followed those simple morale judgments, there would be no roller coaster, or emotions that are so conflicting and upsetting that it changes who you are.
My advice, if you truly love your wife and want this to work, bend over backwards, sideways, UNTIL.... Put your needs away, you've had yours met, now it's HER's turn. Really dig deep why the A was worth the risks. You might be surprised what you discover.
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.
Status: We're going to try IC one more time.